Tag Archives: National Football League

Best of the NFC 2020 Midseason

Introduction

Only because we have to, here is our best of the NFC 2020 Midseason. As mentioned in the previous article, we aren’t exactly at the halfway point. Some teams have played nine games. There’s no undefeated team in the NFC to defer to like the Steelers. Plus, I don’t have any NFC team this year that has me psyched. Therefore, we do this out of obligation.

Love, too, of course. Always love.

I don’t mean to say that there aren’t good things in the NFC. It’s just that the bad is so bad (and consequently in the east, so where I start this article) that I don’t even want to face it. I joked earlier in the year that the NFL should move the AFC South to Europe when they expand. With the way the NFC East is playing this year, maybe we should move them into the Atlantic Ocean. With that, how about that Best of the NFC 2020 midseason!

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles (3-4-1): That is not a typo. The Eagles are in first place with a sub 500 record. If I had done this a few weeks ago, the leader of the division only had 2 wins. I told you. Putrid. The best for the Eagles this year is it’s only been 2 years since they won the Super Bowl, so maybe that glow is still a bit shiny.

Washington Football Team (2-6): Yes, I will bang this drum until it snaps. The best thing about the Washington Football Team is that they are no longer nicknamed an offensive term. In true Dan Snyder douche fashion, though, they haven’t picked a new nickname and are only known as the football team. What a dumb ass.

Dallas Cowboys (2-7): I’m struggling here. The Pokes had deulsions of grandeur before the season. Those shattered spectacularly in the first game and then again when Dak went down. I guess the best thing is that their 4th string QB held his own against the Steelers. *shrug*

New York Giants (2-7): The best thing about this is that I’m done with this terrible division. On to better things.

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks (6-2): I considered calling the Seahawks my NFC team because they’ve been probably the most consistent team in the first half of the season. Sure, they’ve had some bumps in the road, but that’s to be expected. I really want a Seattle/KC Super Bowl. Also, DK Metcalf is a stone cold stud.

Arizona Cardinals (5-3): The best thing about the Cardinals is that they’ve avoided the Covid surge in their state. Seriously, though, how can you say anything other than Kyler Effing Murray. I thought he might be too short to succeed in the NFL. Shows how much I know.

Los Angeles Rams (5-3): I mean, the best thing is that if they can figure out a way to beat the Seahawks, they’ll technically be in first place. The Rams are just another of those faceless teams that could disappear tomorrow and nobody would mourn them.

San Francisco 49ers (4-5): Having suffered a bit of a curse because of their treatment of Colin Kaepernick, the good news is that it seems as if Kaep doesn’t want to play. So, the best thing is that the effects of the curse are minor and localized to selling yourself into salcap hell for a Super bowl loss last year.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers (6-2): I almost coronated the Packers as my NFC team, too. I’ve always liked Rodgers. He’s a more palatable anti-Brady than the Manning Brothers ever were. If Seattle doesn’t play in the Super Bowl, I want it to be these guys.

Chicago Bears (5-3): The best for these guys is that the pact they made with the devil or whatever voodoo magic they weaved at the beginning of the season only demanded the benching of Trubisky. This team stinks and yet, they’re in the hunt for the playoffs. I just hope Mitch gets another shot with a real coach.

Minnesota Vikings (3-5): I hate going to a well too often, but the only thing I got for the Vikings is at least they’re not the Lions. Remember when I said that the Rams were faceless? At least I can name their QB and coach off the top of my head. Not so for the Vikings.

Detroit Lions (3-5): After several years of doing this, I finally remembered that Matthew Stafford is their quarterback. That’s gotta be worth something. No? Well, then, I got nothing.

NFC South

New Orleans Saints (6-2): Speaking of voodoo magic, how the hell are the Aints in first place with noodle arm Drew Brees under center? Plus, there’s that whole controversy about him speaking out about gay rights or something? I could Google it, but I’m feeling lazy right now. Just know that I’m firmly on the Taysom Hill bandwagon.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3): You expect me to say Tom Brady. I expect me to say Tom Brady. After week 1, it didn’t look like I would say Tom Brady. After this most recent game, it might seem silly if I said Tom Brady. Seriously, though, how can I say anything but Tom Brady?

Atlanta Falcons (3-6): How do you come up with a best for Atlanta ever since their Super Bowl loss to the Patriots a couple of years ago? It has just been one nightmare after another for this team. Whatever voodoo magic they used has not ultimately paid off.

Carolina Panthers (3-6): I mean, Cam Newton is in New England stinking up the joint. That gave Teddy Bridgewater a chance to start. I wouldn’t say that’s be great, but it is probably the best thing to happen to the team. At least the future looks bright.

The Verdict

NFC 2020 midseason isn’t as much fun as the AFC was in my opinion. First off, you have the worst division in football in the NFC East. Secondly, I can’t distinguish between about a half a dozen of these teams. Third, there’s only about 2 or 3 teams that I’d actively root for as a non fan. There’s just not enough here to say that the NFC 2020 midseason report is the best of the two.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Best of the AFC 2020 Midseason

Introduction

I realize it isn’t exactly the AFC 2020 midseason. Some teams, including the Colts and Titans after last night, have played 9 games. However, the team of my childhood (and the surprising favorite team of a colleague I recently learned) the Steelers, have only played 8. While I take no joy necessarily in the fact that they’re undefeated, they are. We should show deference to that perfection.

Tried to find a humorous image using the search term “imperfectly perfect” and it was just a bunch of motivational crap. Nobody has time for that.

And, so that is how we have arrived at the “midseason” report for the AFC this year. For the quarter report, we did “awards”. This time around, because we like to focus on the positive, I’m going to do the best of the first half of the year for each team. I thought about doing best and worse, but (a) that’s twice as much work and (b) focus on the positive! So, let’s discuss the best of the AFC 2020 Midseason.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills (7-2): The best thing to happen to the Bills this year has got to be that Josh Allen finally seems to be rounding into form as a decent to good quarterback. He’s still not a top tier quarterback even though I might have him in my top 10 at this point. That’s actually an intriguing couple of questions. Maybe I’ll answer them before the end of the year.

Miami Dolphins (5-3): Anyone who has followed this page for any period of time knows exactly what I’m going to say here. Granted, it has only been two games and he wasn’t great in one of them, but Tua Tagovaiola has been my man crush since his first appearance at Alabama.

New England Patriots (3-5): I guess in a year where everything seems to be going sideways for the Pats, the best thing for them is that they aren’t “Eff the Pats” this year. I’m sure they appreciate it. The thing is, I don’t hate Brady without the Pats and I feel sorry for the Pats without Brady. It was just an unholy alliance I couldn’t allow to exist.

New York Jets (0-9): I mean, what can I say about the Jets? At least they have an inside track at Trevor Lawrence. Though, what does that mean now that the guy has had Covid-19? We’ve seen that might have lingering effects. I suppose that it is fitting that I’m having trouble spinning an 0-9 record into a positive.

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs (8-1): You might expect me to say Mahomes here. And, with reason because I considered it. After all, last year he became my main NFL man crush. But, the fact of the matter is…well, the fact of the matter is that I’m saying Mahomes is the best thing that has happened to the Chiefs this year and maybe ever.

Las Vegas Raiders (5-3): I didn’t want the Raiders to move. The Raiders are, and always will be, from Oakland. However, I’d be lying if I said anything other than “Vegas Baby!” when discussing the best for this team. It’s just perfect that there are now two teams in the gambling capital of America. It really puts a dent in the whole sports is about comradery and competition.

Denver Broncos (3-5): Denver is rapidly approaching the territory that Seattle occupied briefly a few years ago. If someone doesn’t remind me periodically of their existence, I forget. I guess the best thing I can say about them is that at least they have this year to avoid being the fourth place team in the division. Because, next year, Herbert is going to blow up and propel San Diego ahead of them.

San Diego (I know, LA, but eff that) Chargers (2-6): The Chargers don’t deserve Justin Herbert. But, they have him. And, like Mahomes, he’s the best thing to happen to this team in a long time. Sure, they had Phillip Rivers, but honestly, what kind of a life is that for a football team?

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-0): They are my childhood team. That’s a tough habit to break. However, I drift farther and farther away every year from this team. Perhaps that’s the best thing to happen to them as they are 8-0 this year. I refuse to admit their rapey helmetless motorcycle riding QB is great. Their receiving corps thogh.

Baltimore Ravens (6-2): The best thing for this team is that they aren’t the Browns anymore. Can you imagine? Having Baker Mayfield as QB instead of Lamar Jackson? Think about it. Just for a minute, Ravens fans, and tell me I’m wrong.

Cleveland Browns (5-3): I used to like Baker. I rooted for the Browns and tried to use the 538 playoff predictor to get them into the playoffs a couple of years ago. I might still like Baker. But, he’s not the best thing on the Browns this year. Then again, he just might be. I can’t think of anything better. How sad is that?

Cincinatti Bengals (2-5-1): I’d be insane to say anything other than Joe “Mothereffing” Burrow. The kid has lived up to the hype as the number one pick. Sure, the Bengals are in last place in the division and they have two games left against the Steelers and one against the Ravens. They can hang their hat on Burrow being legit and next year being better.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts (6-3): I guess the best thing about the Colts is that they’re tied for first in the division in spite of being in salcap hell because of Andrew Luck’s decision to retire at the beginning of last season. By the way, I still support it 100%. Some things (meaning pretty much anything) are more important than football.

Tennessee Titans (6-3): Having trouble coming up with a best for the Titans. Until the Steelers beat them a few weeks ago, they were also undefeated. Since then, they’ve lost 3 out of 4 including one to the aforementioned Colts. I guess Derrick Henry is a beast.

Houston Texans (2-7): The best thing for the Texans is that they’ve gone back to their annual status of most disappointing team in the AFC. I mean, that’s not really a best, but it is a superlative. Great job, Texans!

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-7): Sure the Jets are winless, but I’m not entirely sure where I was going with that. The fact of the matter is that it is best for both of these teams that American sports don’t have European soccer style relegation.

The Verdict

I’m actually more interested in the conference now that we’ve reached the AFC 2020 midseason. The Chiefs no longer look to be the world beaters. The Steelers are surprisingly playing an effective heel as the only undefeated team. Tua! is winning hearts across Florida. Justin Herbert and Joe Burrow round out the great young QBs in the league. I keep saying to Chris that we seem to be going through another golden age for QBs and I’m here for it.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

AFC First Quarter 2020 Year In Review

Introduction

Welcome to the AFC first quarter 2020 year in review! I promise to be back to nerd content next week when I finally give my reviews for comics from last month and this month. Yes, unfortunately comics got the short end of the stick due to my decline in free time because school is kicking my butt so far this year.

Kink shaming aside, this is what it feels like.

So, until we get back to the nerd content next week, I will go through the weird start to the NFL season. In reality, with how weird 2020 has been, it could have been predicted that the NFL season would be weird, as well. And, honestly, it’s not like it has been that much more weird than some of the more recent seasons. In any case, let’s talk about the AFC first quarter 2020.

Note: As you will discover, I’m going to format this as an awards ceremony. I got the half baked idea yesterday afternoon while driving home and listening to Simmons and Sal. That’s where most of my half baked ideas seem to happen.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills (4-0): This is what Trubisky Should Have Been Award. Chris and I were texting about the Bills last week. He’s bitter because the Pats have had to play with the corpse of Brian Hoyer and unknown quantity Jarrett Stidham during Cam’s quarantine. Meanwhile, it looks like Josh Allen has finally turned the corner and they have Matt Barkley and Jake Fromm as insurance. It really is an embarrassment of riches right now for the Buffalos.

New England Patriots (2-2): We’ve Been Good So Long That We Don’t Know How to Handle Mediocrity Award. This one goes out to the fans. Not the fans fans. Both my father in law and Chris are reasonable fans who have been willing to admit that TB12 and “In Bill We Trust” are idiotic concepts. I’m talking about Sully and Bawls who regularly call into radio shows and post status updates after the first week about what a mistake Brady made by moving to a warmer climate and potentially better team.

Miami Dolphins (1-3): Where’s Tua? Award. Regular readers of the page know that I’ve had a man crush on Tua since his first appearance at Alabama. I’ve literally watched his legend grow over the years. I don’t understand why Miami is sticking with Fitzpatrick. Maybe they are just waiting for the inevitable magic to run out. Perhaps they’re skittish because of Tua’s injury history. Either way, I hope we see him soon.

New York Jets (0-4): Shame There’s no Professional Football Team in New York Award. I know next to nothing about the Jets. Have they even been relevant since the “Butt Fumble”? I promise that wasn’t just a reason to say “Butt Fumble”. Okay, it actually was. BRB, I’m going to Google “Butt Fumble”.

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs (4-0): Can We Just Give Them The Trophy Now? Award. Okay, that was fun. Side note: “Butt Fumble” seems to have taken on an NSFW side meaning. Don’t indiscriminately Google “Butt Fumble”. As far as the Chiefs, I know that things can happen, especially in 2020. However, in the old world, the Chiefs would be the juggernaut that nobody else can touch. How do you beat them unless they just get bored and start playing 7 on 11 or something. Hell, with Mahomes, they might still beat some teams.

Vegas Raiders (2-2): Who Still Calls them Oakland Raiders? Award. I’m actually surprised that I didn’t call them that on accident. Hell, I still call them the San Diego Chargers sometimes. I just think it’s awesome that sports leagues are avoiding all pretense of being legitimate competition and embracing their status as simply a front for gambling.

Denver Broncos (1-3): Was Larry Testaverde Busy? Award. I stold that joke from Sal. Deal with it. Maybe it will get me some exposure. It hasn’t worked so far, but only a matter of time, right? I mean, they started Brett Rypien in an NFL game. I mean, I had to look that up. All I knew is that he had the same last name as a mediocre NFL quarterback from the 1980s.

San Diego Chargers (1-3): I Always Liked Phil Rivers–Wait, What? Award. So, Phillip Rivers is no longer on the team. I think in my NFL preview, I made a Phillip Rivers joke as the Chargers preview. Oh, that wasn’t intentional. Even after having just talked about it, I still wrote the San Diego Chargers. 32 teams is far too many to keep track of every year.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0): It’s Not Our Fault the Titans Had a Covid19 Outbreak Award. That was the empathetic response by one of the Steelers when they postponed the game and moved it to a common bye week later in the season. This team is making it more and more difficult to remain a fan.

Baltimore Ravens (3-1): Am I a Ravens Fan? Award. Having grown up a Steelers fan, this is a weird time for me. As mentioned earlier, I find that there are more and more reasons to dislike that team. By the same token, Lamar Jackson is another fun player to watch. I think I might be rooting for the Ravens more than the Steelers at this point.

Cleveland Browns (3-1): How The Hell is Cleveland 3-1? Award. Look, I have been one of the biggest Baker Backers. However, even I am willing to admit that the guy stinks on ice. He’s just not a good quarterback. He has OBJ for crying out loud and he threw for 165 yards last week. OBJ should be good for at least that many yards a week.

Cincinnati Bengals (1-2-1): Get Him A Body Bag! Award. My wife and I finished season 2 of Cobra Kai last week. Now we have to wait a few months for season 3 to release. How does that relate to the Bengals? Joe Burrow is going to end up in the hospital before the end of the year. They might need to bench him just for his own safety, especially against the Ravens and Steelers.

AFC South

Tennessee Titans (3-0): Maybe We Can Use Coronavirus to End the Season Undefeated Award. The Titans have already had one game postponed due to an outbreak. Every day, they seem to have more and more players test positive. What if they just call off the rest of their season and finish 3-0? What a fitting end to 2020 that would be.

Indianapolis Colts (3-1): How Did Phil Rivers End Up Here? Award. When I learned that Phillip Rivers was no longer in San Diego (or Los Angeles for that matter), I assumed that he retired to spend more time with his wife and 9 kids. Then again, now that I read that last sentence again, I can understand completely why he would not do that.

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3): The Blake Bortles Memorial Award. Fear not fellow Bortles Believers. He’s not dead. Apparently, he’s on the Broncos, so he might even get a chance to start at some point in the season. It’s just that Leonard Fournette said something along the lines of having never played with a good quarterback when he signed with Tampa Bay. Like our man Bortles never handed off the ball to him. For shame, Leonard. For shame.

Houston Texans (0-4): Well, it was a Good Run Award. After being everyone’s it team for seemingly a decade only to implode every season, the Texans actually had a bit of a decent run last year. That seems to all be over so far this year. Thank goodness. It will make it that much easier to send this division to Europe when the NFL expands in a few years.

The Verdict (AFC first quarter 2020 has been fine)

The AFC first quarter 2020 hasn’t been much to write home about. I came into the season not really all that excited about football. Texting with Chris got me slightly more interested. I’m back to the point where I’ll check out a game or two for a couple of minutes each week and I am doing daily fantasy (20 bucks won a couple weeks ago!). So, it’s kept my interest somewhat. But, right now the Chiefs just look like they’re unbeatable and I don’t even have the fun of hating the Pats this year. Thanks for reading my AFC first quarter 2020 preview and join me tomorrow for the NFC.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Completely Ignorant 2020 NFC Preview

Introduction

Yes, in spite of the fact that this 2020 NFC preview is being written after the conclusion of the first week of games, it is still completely ignorant. How can that be possible? Well, I didn’t watch a single game this weekend. Sure, I texted with Chris and checked out a few scores and highlights, but I’ve already forgotten most of that.

Besides, as KG told us, “Anything is possible!”

In my AFC Preview, I said that I hadn’t missed sports. It turns out that’s not entirely true. Between listening to Sal’s podcast last Friday and texting a few times with Chris, I’ve come to the conclusion that I sort of missed football. Obviously not enough to watch any games or get this article out in a timely manner. Nevertheless, I will display my ignorance and finish writing this up. On to the 2020 NFC preview!

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Both Sal and his buddy were high on the Cowboys during their NFC preview. Of course, theirs actually came before the season. Then again, they are getting paid to do theirs. I’m actually paying money to do this. Think of that next time you’re concerned with the quality of the page.

New York Giants – I said in my AFC preview that it’s a shame there are no professional football teams in New York. My beloved(?) Steelers then went out and tried their hardest to make the Giants look like one in the first game. Like Bobby Boucher’s mom said, “Foosball is the debil.”

Philadelphia Eagles – I don’t have anything to say about Philly. Well, that’s not true. I have two things to say about Philly, but only one is even remotely related to their football team. One, living in Massachusetts, when I used to tell people that I’m from Pennsylvania, they’d almost universally pose Philly as their guess. Two, I have a friend who was absolutely distraught that they lost to Washington.

Washingon Football Team – I don’t have to write *redacted* anymore. Sponsors, most notably FedEx, finally pressured Dan Snyder to join the 18th century and retire the racist nickname. Snyder, of course, dicked it up an named the team as you see. Yes, that’s the official name of the team this year. I’m kind of happy that he inadvertently gave the team some European flavor by naming it similar to actual futbol teams. Hey, you take the small victories against these pricks.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – Lamar Jackson, Patrick Mahomes, and Kyler Murray. Poor Larry Fitzgerald played with stiff after stiff and had to drag the corpse of Kurt Warner along just to make it to a Super Bowl. Now that he’s an old guy, he gets Kyler Murray. Sometimes life just isn’t fair, true believers.

Los Angeles Rams – The Rams went from the hot new thing to hot garbage in almost record time. Even in a league that wants to be known for parity, this team boomeranged back into obscurity quickly enough to give us all whiplash.

San Francisco 49ers – Earlier this year, as I was planning (well, not really, and it might even make me sound worse that I planned these disastrous articles) this article, I had to look up who lost to the Chiefs in the Super Bowl. I was a few seconds away from having to Google both teams in the Super Bowl. Football just isn’t a priority anymore. Man, this whole section just revealed me as a fraud.

Seattle Seahawks – Speaking of frauds…not really, I just usually use those awkward moments as opportunities to segue into something less uncomfortable. I suppose I have by moving onto Seattle. Then again, all I have to say about Seattle is that I’m a Sounders fan and they won the MLS title last year. Go Seahawks!

NFC North

Chicago Bears – I know the name of an actual player on the Bears. Mitch Trubisky. Also, I know Khalil Mack is still on the team. So, that’s two players. Slowly digging my way out from under the pile of awkward.

Detroit Lions – So, I had my yearly, “Matt Stafford is still starting for the Lions?” realization. Seriously, it’s tradition like Halloween or Christmas at this year. I just hope that when it isn’t happening all the time, I will give it the proper somber remembrance it deserves.

Green Bay Packers – Somehow, Green Bay went 13-3 last year with little to no fanfare. Every time I hear that statistic, I am shocked anew. Seriously, if you had asked me what Green Bay’s record was, I’d have said 9-7. You might be able to talk me into 10-6. But, 13-3? That’s wild, Man.

Minnesota Vikings – Kirk Cousins in their quarterback. Hey, actual football knowledge! But, I’m about to sabotage even that much. I only know who their quarterback is because of some random dude I started following on Instagram when I first tried to promote the page that way. So, I guess I’m saying I don’t have much hope for the Vikes this year.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta is one of the weirdest teams in recent history. They have a great QB, a great WR, a serviceable RB usually, and a defense that should allow them to contend. They were just in the Super Bowl a few years ago. And yet, they usually stink on ice. Now that I’ve said that, they’ll probably win the Super Bowl this year.

Carolina Panthers – Cam is with the Pats this year. That is literally the extent of my Panthers knowledge. That can’t be good in a division that has Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, and now Tom Brady. Okay, I felt sorry for the Panthers, so I looked up their QB. Teddy B. I mean, he’s not bad, but I certainly wouldn’t put him in the same tier as those other guys.

New Orleans Saints – Some people are picking them to win the Super Bowl. I’m not falling into that trap again. This team is snake bitten. They’ll be great in the regular season and then some voodoo curse will knock them out of the NFC Championship. I suppose that’s fitting for a team from New Orleans.

The Verdict (The 2020 NFC Preview doesn’t have me as excited for the season as the AFC)

It’s two weeks late, but the 2 Guys Gaming Completely Ignorant 2020 NFC Preview is finally here. I will say that the NFC doesn’t have me as interested as the AFC. Sure, it’ll be neat to see what Tom Terrific does in Tampa. And, that might be the only story line I care about over there in the NFC. Oh, watching the Cowboys crash and burn and hearing Sad Sal every week might be cool.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Completely Ignorant 2020 AFC Preview

Introduction

Welcome to our completely ignorant 2020 AFC preview. This year’s edition is not just a clever (?) gimmick. A couple of days ago, Chris texted me, “I forgot that the season started yesterday.” I replied, “I actually forgot that the NFL existed until I saw people whining on the internet about kneeling.”

Chris hit right at my weak spot and said, “I’m just happy to see Mahomes picking up where he left off.”

That isn’t an exaggeration. My friend Craig often said, “I’m worried that people will realize just how much they haven’t missed due to this pandemic.” One of those things that I haven’t missed is sports. I thought that I might have a problem with no sports, but I haven’t watched a single NBA, MLB, or NHL game since they returned. I did keep an eye on the MLS tournament, but couldn’t tell you who won or who they beat.

Therefore, without further ado (and armed with limited information), join me for my completely ignorant 2020 AFC preview. Oh, it’s also the first Sunday of the season and one game has already been played. By the time I have posted both this and the NFC preview, week 1 will most certainly be completely done.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – The Bills became my darling team last year. I even had delusions of them possibly knocking the Pats off of their perch as the best team in the division. That didn’t happen and then they laid an egg in the playoffs against the Texans. Maybe this year is the year.

Miami Dolphins – I have nothing to say about the Dolphins. I suppose, that simply by virtue of mathematics, there have to be teams with losing records. It just feels like a league that promotes parity as much as the NFL does shouldn’t have teams that are as bad as the Dolphins have been for the last decade or so.

New England Patriots – This is usually where I say, “Eff the Pats”. It’s not that I don’t still believe that. It’s just that they’re much less offensive without the Golden Boy under center. Cam Newton taking over pushes the needle even more. This season is going to be confusing.

New York Jets – It’s a shame there are no professional football teams in New York right now.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – I mean, one of these teams has to finish second in the division behind KC. With Von Miller out, it’s hard to think of Denver as anything other than also rans.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chefs have my current man crush on the team. They made two epic comebacks in the playoffs last year against the Texans and the 49ers (another true story that will cement my status as completely ignorant is that I had to look up who the Chefs played in the Super Bowl in January) to win the Super Bowl and there’s really no reason that they can’t repeat this year. You might say, “What about a Mahome’s inj–” to which I’d reply, “You shut your whore mouth.”

Las Vegas Raiders – I think I might have had a running gag last year about the Raiders moving to Vegas. Well, they finally did. Remember when I said that they had an ineptitude all their own? Well, instead of using Vegas (like the Golden Knights and giving the Scrabble friendly abbreviation VGK), they’re going with Las Vegas. Remember when these guys were the bad boys of football? If you do, you’re probably old like me and right in the intended demographic for this page.

Los Angeles (Why not San Diego?) Chargers – The Chargers are the worst run franchise in the NFL. That’s saying something with the Raiders being in the same division and quite inept themselves. The only news I care about related to the Chargers is if Phillip Rivers had another kid. Two more and he has a starting XI.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – I genuinely like Lamar Jackson. So much that I actually found myself rooting for the Ravens. Like I said earlier about the Patriots, this NFL is quite a strange experience for me.

Cincinnati Bengals – I was going to make an Andy Dalton joke. Not wanting to look too ignorant, I Googled Andy Dalton and then the Bengals and saw that Joe Burrow is the quarterback there. If not this year, then soon, I might finally be able to stop feeling sorry for the Bungles and hating them again like every Steelers fan should.

Cleveland Browns – I really want Baker Mayfield to be a good quarterback. Like, really, really want that to happen. He’s not, but I won’t give up the dream. I think I’m just bored of the Steelers-Ravens rivalry being the only storyline in this boring division.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Speaking of the Steelers, I have several times over the last couple of years turned my back on my childhood team. Like I say, I’m just bored of them. Plus, Ben Roethlisberger’s name got dragged into the Stormy Daniels affair and reinforced that the guy is a douche.

AFC South

Houston Texans – I really wanted the Texans to lose to Buffalo. That didn’t happen. Then, I wanted them to beat New England. That did happen. Then, Tom Brady wen to Tampa Bay. That was unexpected. I don’t know. They’ll probably win the division again.

Indianapolis Colts – Last year, Andrew Luck made the decision to protect himself and his mental health by retiring from football. The always supportive NFL fans gave him the benefit of the doubt and allowed him to retire into quiet solitude. Just kidding, they treated him like a leper and called him all sorts of names. Never change, mad sports nerds.

Jacksonville Jaguars – My wife and I have been watching “The Good Place”. I tried to get her to watch it several times. She finally did and she really likes it. What does this have to do with the Jaguars? Well, one of the characters is from Jacksonville and obsessed with Blake Bortles. And, you all know my history with Blake Bortles.

Tennessee Titans – I have a Facebook friend who is a huge fan of the Titans. She’s from Texas and liked them since they were the Oilers and moved. Other than that, I’m an advocate of getting rid of the AFC South.

The Verdict (2020 AFC Preview Wrap Up)

I’m not at all excited for the AFC season. I wasn’t to begin with, but thought that by writing this 2020 AFC Preview that it might make me more excited. Other than Mahomes, there isn’t much here for me to care about. Maybe the anthem protests will persist and I can have fun trolling mad sports nerds on social media.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Noob’s Top 10: Super Bowl LIV

Introduction

First, it was nice of the NFL to name this year’s Super Bowl LIV after Steven Tyler’s daughter. I don’t think she’s been working much lately, so this will be a bit of a pick me up for her. Secondly, this Top 10 is going to be the “Top 10 reason I would actually watch the Super Bowl this year (but still won’t because my family has a tradition)” but that title was entirely too long.

Besides, I’m not sure how I would watch the game. I got rid of Hulu Live TV a few months ago to save money. Chris and I talked about maybe getting together for the game, but as too often happens with our plans, they fell apart. So, we are going to go with the usual family plan of watching movies instead. However, I will still have the Gamecast of Super Bowl LIV on in the background because I really want to watch this game. Let’s explore why.

Update: This was supposed to be posted before the Super Bowl. As happens, it was not. So, I will update it as a preview and post mortem. Hope you enjoy. Also be sure to check out my championship preview.

Noob’s Top 10: Super Bowl LIV

10. Eff the Pats – For the first time in forever, the Patriots didn’t even sniff the Super Bowl this year. Long time fans of the page will know why this makes me so happy. For those who are new here, welcome! I have always hated the Patriots for as long as I can remember. Stick around for a while and you’ll learn why. In any case, I’m so happy that the Pats lost in the wildcard round.

Update: The Patriots still weren’t in the game. In spite of my fears that they might find a way to use Tom Brady’s connection to Donald Trump to Electoral College their way in, the only connection to the Patriots was Jimmy G.

9. Schadenfreude – Don’t think that just because the Pats aren’t in the Super Bowl that I won’t be able to find joy in the misery of others. That’s my specialty. There is plenty to be happy about if Jimmy G falls on his face.

Update: Speaking of Jimmy G, he didn’t exactly fall on his face. However, he definitely wasn’t up to the challenge of out Mahomesing Mahomes. Honestly, I don’t know if anyone was up to that challenge this year.

8. Halftime Show – Gaga and Katy Perry. Then, whatever the heck happened last year. This year, another show that middle aged white guys like me will surely enjoy. I mean, Shakira and JLo on the same stage? How can you go wrong?

Update: The answer, of course, is that you couldn’t go wrong. Unless you are a bitter old racist. Then, seemingly, you lost your ever loving mind.

7. Andy Reid – I give him a lot of crap for his clock management and for good reason. However, a couple of weeks ago, Chris and I were texting. I said something about Reid letting the game plan go and allowing his coordinators to call the shots. I’m not sure how true that is, but the team has been running smoothly.

Update: Andy Reid was in the perfect position to Andy Reid the hell out of this game. He didn’t. Furthermore, it seemed like the Chiefs weren’t going to let him if he tried.

6. Go for the throat – Directly related to the last point, the Chiefs have taken a page from the Patriots playbook. They try to score at the end of the half and then bury the opposition with their first possession of the second half. It’s a beautiful thing to watch. Especially since it isn’t the Pats.

Update: The Chiefs managed to do neither of these things. I texted Chris that SF being able to prevent this from happening was huge. In fact, San Francisco was in prime position to win this game. They did nearly everything right. Uh, about that…

5. Kyle Shanahan – Remember, he was the offensive coordinator on the Falcons the year that they blew a 25 point lead. Now, I’m not saying that will have any bearing on this game, but it’s something to keep in the back of your mind as you watch.

Update: Poor Kyle Shanahan. I heard a ridiculous stat on Simmons and Sal about the last two 4th quarters that a Kyle Shanahan offense has been in the Super Bowl. It wasn’t good. Now, he goes down in history as the guy who blew it against Belichick and out Andy Reided Andy Reid.

4. Next Year – I don’t know the last time I was actually looking forward to an NFL season. It has been at least a decade. I got out of football slowly over the years, but you can see my progression if you watch my Facebook memories.

Update: I said to Chris after the game that I’m looking forward to the season, so this hasn’t changed. I want to see if Baltimore can continue their rise next year like the Chiefs did this year. I want to see if Father Time can finally defeat the Golden Boy. Chris mentioned Buffalo, who could easily win the east if so. Can’t wait!

3. Prop Bets – I’m not much of a gambler. Unlike many weekend warrior bettors, not even the amount of Super Bowl props can make me want to throw my money away. However, I like the shows about the bets and imagining myself making stupid money because someone scored a safety as the first points of the game.

Update: I didn’t make any money off the props again this year. I didn’t spend any money on them, either, so all in all, zero net gain is a win. Like the commercials that everyone enjoys watching for some reason, these things are getting out of control, though.

2. San Francisco’s Defense – Other than Patrick Mahomes, this is the sole reason to watch the game. They haven’t been historically good this year, but San Francisco’s defense is downright scary. If the 49ers win, I hope it is because of the defense and not beautiful Jimmy G.

Update: As mentioned above, San Francisco was in the pest position to win a Super Bowl that I’ve seen from a team in the last few years. They had a 10 point lead. Their defense was confounding Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs offense. Then, it all just fell apart. Or…

1. Patrick Mahomes – I had a brief fling with Lamar Jackson this year as my quarterback man crush, but Mahomes is the OG real deal. He is the only reason that I watch football at all over the last two years.

Update: Alternatively, Mahomes just did what Mahomes does. He and the Chiefs just seemed to want to spot their opponents 10+ point leads in the playoffs and then come back to win the game. I watched the last two touchdown drives when I finally realized they were streaming the game on NFL.com. They were things of beauty.

The Verdict

Super Bowl LIV was fun. Sure, the middle was a bit concerning if you were rooting for the Chiefs, but the comeback was amazing and that’s all we’ll remember years from now. The NFL will make sure of that by only playing highlights from the comeback. I’m excited for the new season and a fan of football again. However, not enough to watch the XFL.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2019 NFL Conference Championship Preview

Introduction

Welcome to my 2019 NFL Conference Championship Preview. This is getting posted during the Tennessee/KC game, so it will soon be obsolete. Nevertheless, I wanted to post the article for posterity sake. You will just have to take my word for it that I wrote it a few days ago. After all, I’m pretty good about being honest.

Speaking of being honest, I just spent the last 45 minutes playing cribbage with my wife. So, this isn’t going to post until after the Chiefs game and maybe well into the evening game. Oh well, better late than never. So, I can’t use the “Eff the Pats” scale that I used a couple of years ago. They got effed by Tennessee in the coin flip round.

Another admission. You can obviously see that this is posting on Monday afternoon, after both games were played. I mean, that’s not a huge deal since I’m not making any picks (though my picks were the Chiefs and 49ers, so 5-4-1 so far in the playoffs and improving every round). But, still, in the interest of full disclosure, I figured I’d explain. Now, on to the potential match ups.

Least Favorite (Tennessee vs. San Francisco)

San Francisco seems like the only team left in the playoffs capable of containing Derrick Henry. That would mean that this game would just end up being a snooze fest defensive battle. Once upon a time, that’s the kind of game I’d be interested in. However, this isn’t your father’s National Football League. We want offense and lots of it. Keep this boring match up in the truly worst of timelines.

Slightly More Interesting (Tennessee vs. Green Bay)

At least in this game, the possibility exists that Henry goes off and sets a Super Bowl record for rushing. Plus, Rodgers gets to go for his second. This is just a demonstrably more interesting match up than Tennessee and San Fran. I don’t want Tennessee anywhere near the Super Bowl this year, but facts are facts.

Okay, Now We’re Talking (Kansas City vs. Green Bay)

I was having a tough time ranking the last two match ups. Like Chris said when I texted him about it, “I just want KC. I’d be okay with either match up.” I’m excited for this one because I think it could just be a good old fashioned shoot out between Mahomes and Rodgers. But, Chris put a bit of a damper on it by saying that Mahomes wins hands down. He’s right. KC’s talent on offense is just ridiculous.

Strength vs. Strength (Kansas City vs. San Francisco)

Kansas City’s offense, as I just said, is ridiculous. San Francisco’s defense is downright scary. The classic immovable object vs. the irresistible force. Who wins? Unfortunately, I think that it’s San Fran’s defense, but it will still be a fun game if it happens.

The Verdict

Three out of the four match ups can be really fun. The fourth, I could talk myself into finding interesting in the two weeks of hype leading to the game. In any case, I hope that your team finds a way into the Super Bowl. Thanks for reading my 2019 NFL Conference Championship Preview. Be sure to come back for my Super Bowl Preview and Post Mortem in the weeks to come.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2019 NFL Divisional Playoffs Post Mortem

Introduction

Welcome to my 2019 NFL Divisional Playoffs Post Mortem. For the most part, things went as planned. There was, of course, the Tennessee Tuxedos destroying the Ravens. Other than that, though, there weren’t a ton of surprises. This is reflected in my 2-1-1 (I picked the Seahawks, but knew in my heart that Green Bay would win, so I’m taking a tie for that game.) record for the round. With my 1-3 in the coin flip weekend, that brings me to 3-4-1 for the playoffs so far.

That’s not a great record, of course. But, depending on how I bet the games, I could still be plus money at this point. Then again, I probably would have put a small fortune on Baltimore, so that point it moot. Speaking of Baltimore…

Tennessee at Baltimore

What more can I possibly say about this game? I was so convinced of the outcome that I didn’t bother even tuning in to see how it was going. It was only after Chris texted me several times during the beginning of the game. At least one of them was, “WTF”. So, I tuned in and Baltimore was down 14-0. Well, I thought, LJ is the MVP for this year and there’s plenty of time to come back. Well, about that. The come back never materialized and half of my Super Bowl pick was DOA. Well, both of them were actually dead, but that wasn’t official until Sunday.

Minnesota at San Francisco

This was the least surprising game of the weekend. I thought that San Francisco would roll the Vikings and they did. Sure, Minnesota stayed close for the first half, but eventually, San Fran’s talent just took over and won the game. There’s a reason that they were my close second to make it to the Super Bowl from the NFC.

Seattle at Green Bay

This was probably the other least surprising game from the weekend. I know that makes no sense in a couple of contexts. First, I picked Seattle to go to the Super Bowl. Second, how can you have 2 least surprising victories? Well, technically, you can’t. However, my original statement made even less sense, if that makes, er, sense. I mean, all you have to do is look at that last run on sentence to see where my brain is today. I mean, it was a bit surprising when I saw that Seattle was starting to come back, but not really. Russell Wilson is known for those come backs. So, ultimately, not terribly surprising.

Houston at Kansas City

I went for a walk through the Quabbin with Christine. I came home to no less than 5 texts from Chris again. Again, at least one of them read, “WTF.” So, I went to check the score of the game and it was 28-24. I thought that was the final. Nope, halftime. KC continued to pour it on after halftime and Mahomes seems to have finally reached his final form. We will see if Andy Reid can prevent himself from Andy Reiding all over the AFCC, but I’m excited for the prospect of Mahomes in the Super Bowl. Doesn’t even matter who they play. But, that is a discussion for the next article.

The Verdict

Thanks for reading my 2019 NFL Divisional Round Post Mortem. I texted Chris the other day that 9 times out of 10, Baltimore wins that game. We just live in the worst timeline. Oh well, at least Mahomes is still alive and chucking it. As long as that’s true, I’ll pay attention. So, hopefully, the timeline is fixing itself as we speak and I’ll get to see him in the Super Bowl.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend

Introduction

Note: Welcome to 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend. I thought that I had already pressed publish on this post. However, it would seem that I never even saved it. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but it disappeared from page. So, I will attempt to recreate it now. Also, you know that I’m not lying because I admit to picking both the Bills and Pats last night. Also, I know I promised New Year’s resolutions in my previous article. They are coming, faithful fans. Be patient.

A few years ago, I started this “completely ignorant” shtick by picking the playoffs. I don’t remember my record, but I remember that it was good enough to continue the shtick even into this year, a year that I’ve been interested in football more than any time in the last 5 or 6. I dubbed Wild Card weekend coin flip weekend because that was the only time I lost games due to the crazy nature.

AFC Coin Flip Games

Buffalo at Houston – Those of you who have been reading the page know that Buffalo has been my darling since about week 4 or 5. Others more in the know have finally admitted what I’ve known all year. Buffalo’s defense is very good. Their offense is a rag tag group of nobodies and that will eventually catch up to them. But, I think their defense can carry them in this game. It all ends next week against Baltimore, but it will be fun for another week.

Tennessee at New England – I was talking to a friend the other day and he reiterate what I’ve believed for most of my adult life. Sports are scripted. Sure, the outcomes of games might be more or less “random”, but leagues work heavily to push certain narratives. One of those narratives for the last decade or so has been that the Patriots always start to look mortal towards the end of the year and then suddenly, three weeks later they are in the Super Bowl. I honestly don’t think that’s going to happen, but it is possibly Brady’s last year in New England, so maybe he rides off like so many others have been able, too. Plus, the game is in Foxboro and the dynasty doesn’t end there.

NFC Coin Flip Games

Vikings at Saints – I really like Drew Brees. I know that he’s been “cancelled” or whatever by Twitter, but who gives a crap what the shut ins and bots at Twitter have to say? I’m sure there’s a good reason and I will do more research over the offseason to see what the ballyhoo is about. For now, though, I will live in my bubble of ignorance and root for the Saints. Plus, maybe they can finally put that stupid Minnesota Miracle nonsense behind them.

Seattle at Philadelphia – I find it personally offensive that the records of these teams are nearly identical to the Pats/Titans and yet, the team with the decidedly better record and resume are the ones on the road. Also, I picked Seattle to go to the Super Bowl a few weeks ago. I know that I’m allowed to change my pick, but I really don’t want to. I want to see Baltimore/Seattle, so I’m staying stubborn on this one.

The Verdict

The games this weekend aren’t bad. I’m worried that the Pats will survive another week to haunt me like the zombie movies of my youth. Other than that, I would be fine with any outcome. Oh, no Philadelphia, either. 9-7 division winners can get effed. Hope you all enjoy 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend and see you next week when the playoffs really start.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2019 NFL Season Review Part 2

Introduction

Welcome to our 2019 NFL Season review part 2. Yesterday, we did the first part of the review by playing Santa Claus and giving each of the AFC teams a late Christmas gift. Today it is time for the NFC. Then, at some point during the week, I will do New Year’s resolutions for each of the teams.

Apologies for all of the NFL content. It’s my way of trying to get back into the swing of things for the new year. I promised myself and the page that I would do something. Then, life got busy again. Yes, that is a bit of a convenient excuse. But, it’s also true. Okay, enough about me. Let’s give out some more gifts.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys weren’t quite the horror show that the Browns ended up being. However, they did underperform once again after a promising previous year. Jason Garrett, as much fun as it is to watch him on the sideline, needs to go. Since I gave Urban to the Browns, enjoy Lincoln Riley, Dallas.

New York Giants – I give them a peaceful and painless Eli Manning retirement. He wasn’t as historic as big brother. However, he did give you two Super Bowl victories over the Patriots. For that, he has my undying gratitude. God speed, Eli.

Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles fans are a miserable bunch. They went 9-7 this year and limped into the playoffs. But, they’re happy as long as Dallas isn’t and Dallas isn’t happy. So, the Eagles have everything they need. Please, just lose in the first round and go away.

Washington Racists – I will forever wish only one thing on this disgusting organization. Get a new name. I know that will only happen if Dan Snyder is gone, so draw your own conclusions.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals

Los Angeles Rams – I grant the Rams the ability to go back in time a few months and not hamstring their entire organization with the Jared Goff contract. That guy stinks on ice. Oh, and wunderkind Sean McVay? Yeah, about that.

San Francisco 49ers – I appear to have already given the 49ers one of the best gifts I possibly could. I picked the Seahawks to win the division and, ultimately, the Super Bowl. Apparently, that went right up on the billboard in 49ers locker room. You’re welcome.

Seattle Seahawks – I give the Seahawks a healthy running back that doesn’t have one foot in the retirement home. Beast Mode coming back is wonderful and heartwarming. However, it isn’t going to do much to erase the demons of Super Bowl 49.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – Last year, Da Bears got eliminated from the playoffs due to the “double doink”. This year, the wheels just fell off. I’m giving them a lucky rabbits foot, a four leaf clover, and a horseshoe. Hopefully that counteracts whatever bad mojo has been rising.

Detroit Lions – Earlier in the year, I was again surprised to learn that John Matthew Stafford was still a starting quarterback in this league. This has been an annual epiphany for at least the last three years. He is a gift unto himself.

Green Bay Packers – I give the Packers a peaceful week off and plenty of snow next week for the Saints to come into town. If things go the way I expect, that will be next week’s game.

Minnesota Vikings – I give the Vikings a pat on the heads and an “Atta boy” for making it into the playoffs. I just have a feeling the Saints are gonna steamroll them. No chance at a “Minnesota Miracle” this time.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Another team that grossly underperformed this year. I give you and your fans some time off to think about what you did to the league and other fans this year. It wasn’t a kind thing that you did and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Carolina Panthers – Chris told me the other day that Josh McDaniel was being considered as the head coach of Carolina. I replied with an “LOL”. Please, for the love of all that is holy, I give you any coach but him.

New Orleans Saints – I grant New Orleans the greatness of my presence this summer. I know that sounds conceited and it just might be. I’m just saying that I visited South Carolina last year and now Clemson is in the championship. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I give Jameis Winston LASIK surgery. I don’t know if he actually needs it, but he did become the first 30/30 man in the NFL. Sure, it’s entertaining as hell, but it had to be frustrating for TB fans. Both of you.

The Verdict

All 32 teams have been given their gift. Man, I don’t know how Santa does this every year. I’m spent after only 2 days of writing these articles. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed my 2019 NFL season review part 2. Join us the rest of the week as we do NFL resolutions.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).