Tag Archives: NFL Playoffs

2023 NFL Divisional Round Post Mortem

Introduction

I found myself home alone on Saturday as the Chefs/Jags game started. So, I did what any red blooded middle aged American male would do. I listened to the Lumineers on vinyl, built a Lego Lamborghini, and watched the game. My wife and youngest came home from the swim meet during the game, but they went off to their own thing. I watched neither the Iggs/Gynts nor Bungs/BIlls because I knew how they’d end. Fittingly for the losing teams, a true 2023 NFL Divisional Round Post Mortem.

The Lambo in question. Pretty cool set.

I kept an eye on the 9ers/Pokes via Gamecast and the text chain with Jason and Chris. I even started to believe for a bit that maybe the Pokes could pull off the upset. Alas, glad they didn’t because my 9ers/Bungs fake future plus the parlay that I doubled up Sunday morning both still play.

Chefs and Mahomes Play Dead, 27-20

I texted Chris during the game, “Rut roh, Mahomes is hurt.” Then, Chad Henne came into the game and threw a touchdown pass. And, then, Mahomes miraculously came back to hobble/hop/skip his way through some bad passes and ultimately the gutsy win. Tape it, shoot it with painkiller, and get out there, Kid. The NFL won’t make billions without you.

Iggs Silence Gynts and “Sharps”, 38-7

I gave this a sentence or two in the preview. That’s all it deserves. But, my fake tease paid, so that’s nice.

Buffalo Buffalos it Finally, 27-10

I like Josh Allen. I like the city of Buffalo and the Bills. What I don’t like is being right about this team and what it does to my brain. I feel so badly for the city of Buffalo. Cigarette Smoking Man, if you’re out there, remove the curse please. I can’t watch this team rip out the hearts of their fans every year like this.

Pokes Buffalo It, Too, 19-12

Other than the aforementioned and ultimately false hope, and the weird score, I don’t care that much about Dallas or their football team or this game. Like I said, I doubled up on a Bungs/9ers fake moneyline parlay earlier in the day, so I hoped for a 9ers win. Other than that, just go away.

The Verdict

Early in the playoffs, I said how much I didn’t want to see a 9ers/Bungs Super Bowl. Then, on my fake bet sheet, I filled them out as the “likely” combination. With a hobbled Mahomes and an overconfident Iggs team, that might just pay off. Oh well, I never watch the game anyway, so what do I care? 2023 NFL Divisional Round Post Mortem in the books. Conference Championship Extravaganza coming up at the end of the week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2022 NFL Conference Championships: Good, Better, Best

Introduction

Finally, we arrived at the 2022 NFl Conference Championships. This last week felt like it took forever. I covered that already in my last post. I want to use this one to celebrat two posts in two days. The only problem is that, unless I write much faster than my usual pace, this post will go live after at least the Chiefs/Bungs start. All I can do is promise that (even though I have fake money on the games), I will keep from watching the games if I intend to make predictions.

Generally, I don’t make predictions, though. It’s a bit of a miracle that I put even fake money on the games. Dad always said don’t bet on a game where the ball bounces funny. But, I suppose I’ve been listening to too much Simmons and especially Sal and they influenced me. But, I made 2000 fake dollars last week, so maybe I fly to Vegas for the Super Bowl.

2022 NFL Conference Championships (The Mahomes Scale)

A few years ago, I put together a Mahomes scale. I think either it was a modification of the Brady scale or the Brady scale was a modification of the Mahomes scale. In either case, whenever we get to the conference Championships, I rank each matchup by how excited I am to watch them. Obviously, you want more Mahomes (and, by extension less Brady) because he’s quite possibly the most exciting player in the league right now.

Author’s Note: The Chiefs automatically rank as 7 Mahomes. After last week, the Bills get 5 as well. So, a perfect rank on the Mahomes scale is 12 now instead of 10. If Josh Allen improves anymore, we might have to adjust the scale accordingly.

I would watch the f**k out of this

Super Bowl LVI: Cincinnati/San Francisco (0 Mahomes)

I can’t think of a more boring game that this one. Sure, Joe Burrow can be exciting, but the 49ers defense would most likely smother the Cincy offense. I see this one being 13-9 or something along those lines and Bosa becoming only the second defensive player to win MVP. Hold on, let me check those odds. Okay, I’m back. Put 10 bucks to win over 4000 just for giggles. Also, I’m worried because several have made the point that the first Cincy/SF Super Bowl was Madden’s first and he just died. The NFL loves that sentimental bullshit.

Super Bowl LVI: Cincinnati/Los Angeles Rams (3 Mahomes)

If you told me two years ago that Matt Stafford would rank 3 on the Mahomes scale, I’d have either (a) figured that 90% of the league folded or (b) found a way to put a futures bet in for the Lions to win the Super Bowl this year. Maybe both. But, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point about this, I like Rams Matt Stafford. He’s certainly come a long way from being the butt of my “he’s still in the league” jokes from a few years ago. That’s for sure.

Super Bowl LVI: Kansas City/San Francisco (7 Mahomes)

Okay, now we’re talking. We get Mahomes. We get a rematch from 2 Super Bowls ago. The Frisco defense might be able to keep Mahomes in check, but he always finds a way. Dr. Ian Malcolm warned us. Now we live with the consequences. At least they are mostly positive consequences, like his ultimate “Forgot About Dre” game last week.

Super Bowl LVI: Kansas City/Los Angeles Rams (10 Mahomes)

Aside from the dream match up of watching Mahomes and Allen go at it for 7 games (heck, I’d even settle for 5) and a grand total of 84 (or 60) Mahomes, this is the next best thing. Of the two quarterbacks left in the NFC, the only one I see hanging with Mahomes is Stafford. If the football gods are listening, please make this happen.

The Verdict

The only matchup I hate and never want to see is Cincinnati/San Francisco. Though, I will say, if that parlay hits, I win 2000 fake collars. So, that along with being one of the only games where I cheer for the Bengals almost makes it worth maybe 1 Mahomes in retrospect I’ll take that into consideration and maybe adjust accordingly.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

NFL Divisional Round 2022: Good, Better, Best

Introduction

Welcome to our NFL Divisional Round 2022 reaction post. It’s been a while before since we did one of these. I intended to write this post earlier in the week. I should just name this page “I intended to…” since that’s how most posts begin lately Then, I spend some time explaining why I never wrote the post. It almost always boils down to being busy at school. So, if you’ve heard it all before, feel free to skip to the actual post.

This week grades closed. I needed to grade, try to inspire kids to get caught up, and still advance my lessons. In addition, I promised to go see a boy’s basketball game, a girl’s basketball game (I missed this one because of car difficulties), a girl’s hockey game, a UMass hockey game, and a boy’s hockey game (it got cancelled because of the snow today). As my Facebook memory said, “Being a teacher who gives a shit is exhausting.”

But, I finally get to give my thoughts on the games from last weekend. I apologize in advance because I can’t describe these games without cursing. Let this be your only warning.

Liberal use of the “F” word coming up.

Fucking Aaron Rodgers/Fucking Jimmy G

As one of my students put it, Jimmy G is the luckiest quarterback in the league. As several of the hosts on the podcast I listen to put it, Jimmy G is the most mediocre quarterback since Eli Manning to be this close to going to a second Super Bowl. As I put it in a text to Chris, I guess Jimmy G has part of Brady’s golden horseshoe shoved up his ass. Whatever the case, it’s dumb that I am going to have to mention his name tomorrow in my preview post.

What can I cay about Aaron Rodgers? Keep it simple, Stupid. I replied to a friend from Chicago on Instagram. “Aaron Rodgers is a bum.” Seriously, I fell for the narrative about him being better than Brady, but stuck on less talented teams. He fell far this year, not only on the field, but as a person, too. His goofy gold old boy image melted into that of an out of touch boomer.

Fucking Joe Burrow

It made no difference to me who won this game. I said several times over the week that Bills/Chiefs looked like the AFC Championship. So, I defaulted to rooting against the Titans simply because Matt Tannehill (stupid joke between me and Chris) insults football fans by being a starting quarterback. I hate him almost as much as Jimmy G. I regret that a bit now because the Bungles are one miracle game away from infesting the Super Bowl. C’mon Chiefs.

Cooper Fucking Kupp

We now move to the positive. You can tell it’s now positive because I moved the expletive to the middle. That’s my way to show respect instead of derision. It’s also the first of three texts I sent to Chris throughout the day on Sunday. It followed, “I don’t want to say this too loud, but it looks like no Super Bowl for Brady this year” and “Holy shit, Brady still has part of that golden horseshoe after all.” Author’s Note: I just got news that Brady retired. As I wrote on Instagram, I had fun hating you for 22 years. Enjoy retirement, old man.

Josh FUCKING ALLEN!!!

As you guessed, the second of three texts sent to Chris on Sunday. What an end to that game. Allen secures himself as a top notch quarterback and gets one up on Mahomes. Better luck next year, Patrick. It’s just the Bills year. What’s this? There’s 13 seconds left? I watched the live odds on Fanduel all game and right about now, I saw the Chiefs at +188. I heard they got to 16 to 1, but I never saw that. Honestly, if I did, I’d have figured out a way to put my mortgage on the line at those odds. As weird as it sounds, I knew Mahomes would pull out the win. 13 seconds is too much time.

Patrick Fucking Mahomes

And, just like that, we get more of this game. Really, just more of the Chiefs. Honestly, just more of Mahomes. So high off the end of this game, I text to Chris, “Cincy won’t stay within 3 TDs of KC.” He agrees. Luckily, the students bring me back down to earth on Monday. “They beat KC a couple weeks ago.” Good point.

Also, people both complaining about the overtime rules and telling Buffalo to just stop someone. I see the argument about defense being part of the game and I wanted to see more of that, too. However, if they used college rules, as I (yes, again) texted Chris, “…they’d still be playing.” My original man crush is back and fucking Joe Burrow better not fuck this up for me.

The Verdict

Some said the NFL Divisional Round 2022 was the best weekend of playoff football, maybe ever. I hate when we fall into recency bias like that. I also hate nostalgia bias. What I will say is that Chiefs/Bills game was the most fun I had watching football in a long time. I posted the following picture on my Instagram and I meant it.

I would watch the fuck out of this.

Instead we get the possibility that the Bungs bungle their way in and the 49ers carry Jimmy G’s corpse into the Super Bowl. If that happens, it just follows the crappy narratives of the last two years. But, it has to change eventually, right? Maybe LA and KC are just what we need to exorcise all of these demons. As the NFL Divisional Round 2022 showed us, faith is sometimes rewarded.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).