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Best of the NFC 2020 Midseason

Introduction

Only because we have to, here is our best of the NFC 2020 Midseason. As mentioned in the previous article, we aren’t exactly at the halfway point. Some teams have played nine games. There’s no undefeated team in the NFC to defer to like the Steelers. Plus, I don’t have any NFC team this year that has me psyched. Therefore, we do this out of obligation.

Love, too, of course. Always love.

I don’t mean to say that there aren’t good things in the NFC. It’s just that the bad is so bad (and consequently in the east, so where I start this article) that I don’t even want to face it. I joked earlier in the year that the NFL should move the AFC South to Europe when they expand. With the way the NFC East is playing this year, maybe we should move them into the Atlantic Ocean. With that, how about that Best of the NFC 2020 midseason!

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles (3-4-1): That is not a typo. The Eagles are in first place with a sub 500 record. If I had done this a few weeks ago, the leader of the division only had 2 wins. I told you. Putrid. The best for the Eagles this year is it’s only been 2 years since they won the Super Bowl, so maybe that glow is still a bit shiny.

Washington Football Team (2-6): Yes, I will bang this drum until it snaps. The best thing about the Washington Football Team is that they are no longer nicknamed an offensive term. In true Dan Snyder douche fashion, though, they haven’t picked a new nickname and are only known as the football team. What a dumb ass.

Dallas Cowboys (2-7): I’m struggling here. The Pokes had deulsions of grandeur before the season. Those shattered spectacularly in the first game and then again when Dak went down. I guess the best thing is that their 4th string QB held his own against the Steelers. *shrug*

New York Giants (2-7): The best thing about this is that I’m done with this terrible division. On to better things.

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks (6-2): I considered calling the Seahawks my NFC team because they’ve been probably the most consistent team in the first half of the season. Sure, they’ve had some bumps in the road, but that’s to be expected. I really want a Seattle/KC Super Bowl. Also, DK Metcalf is a stone cold stud.

Arizona Cardinals (5-3): The best thing about the Cardinals is that they’ve avoided the Covid surge in their state. Seriously, though, how can you say anything other than Kyler Effing Murray. I thought he might be too short to succeed in the NFL. Shows how much I know.

Los Angeles Rams (5-3): I mean, the best thing is that if they can figure out a way to beat the Seahawks, they’ll technically be in first place. The Rams are just another of those faceless teams that could disappear tomorrow and nobody would mourn them.

San Francisco 49ers (4-5): Having suffered a bit of a curse because of their treatment of Colin Kaepernick, the good news is that it seems as if Kaep doesn’t want to play. So, the best thing is that the effects of the curse are minor and localized to selling yourself into salcap hell for a Super bowl loss last year.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers (6-2): I almost coronated the Packers as my NFC team, too. I’ve always liked Rodgers. He’s a more palatable anti-Brady than the Manning Brothers ever were. If Seattle doesn’t play in the Super Bowl, I want it to be these guys.

Chicago Bears (5-3): The best for these guys is that the pact they made with the devil or whatever voodoo magic they weaved at the beginning of the season only demanded the benching of Trubisky. This team stinks and yet, they’re in the hunt for the playoffs. I just hope Mitch gets another shot with a real coach.

Minnesota Vikings (3-5): I hate going to a well too often, but the only thing I got for the Vikings is at least they’re not the Lions. Remember when I said that the Rams were faceless? At least I can name their QB and coach off the top of my head. Not so for the Vikings.

Detroit Lions (3-5): After several years of doing this, I finally remembered that Matthew Stafford is their quarterback. That’s gotta be worth something. No? Well, then, I got nothing.

NFC South

New Orleans Saints (6-2): Speaking of voodoo magic, how the hell are the Aints in first place with noodle arm Drew Brees under center? Plus, there’s that whole controversy about him speaking out about gay rights or something? I could Google it, but I’m feeling lazy right now. Just know that I’m firmly on the Taysom Hill bandwagon.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3): You expect me to say Tom Brady. I expect me to say Tom Brady. After week 1, it didn’t look like I would say Tom Brady. After this most recent game, it might seem silly if I said Tom Brady. Seriously, though, how can I say anything but Tom Brady?

Atlanta Falcons (3-6): How do you come up with a best for Atlanta ever since their Super Bowl loss to the Patriots a couple of years ago? It has just been one nightmare after another for this team. Whatever voodoo magic they used has not ultimately paid off.

Carolina Panthers (3-6): I mean, Cam Newton is in New England stinking up the joint. That gave Teddy Bridgewater a chance to start. I wouldn’t say that’s be great, but it is probably the best thing to happen to the team. At least the future looks bright.

The Verdict

NFC 2020 midseason isn’t as much fun as the AFC was in my opinion. First off, you have the worst division in football in the NFC East. Secondly, I can’t distinguish between about a half a dozen of these teams. Third, there’s only about 2 or 3 teams that I’d actively root for as a non fan. There’s just not enough here to say that the NFC 2020 midseason report is the best of the two.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Best of the AFC 2020 Midseason

Introduction

I realize it isn’t exactly the AFC 2020 midseason. Some teams, including the Colts and Titans after last night, have played 9 games. However, the team of my childhood (and the surprising favorite team of a colleague I recently learned) the Steelers, have only played 8. While I take no joy necessarily in the fact that they’re undefeated, they are. We should show deference to that perfection.

Tried to find a humorous image using the search term “imperfectly perfect” and it was just a bunch of motivational crap. Nobody has time for that.

And, so that is how we have arrived at the “midseason” report for the AFC this year. For the quarter report, we did “awards”. This time around, because we like to focus on the positive, I’m going to do the best of the first half of the year for each team. I thought about doing best and worse, but (a) that’s twice as much work and (b) focus on the positive! So, let’s discuss the best of the AFC 2020 Midseason.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills (7-2): The best thing to happen to the Bills this year has got to be that Josh Allen finally seems to be rounding into form as a decent to good quarterback. He’s still not a top tier quarterback even though I might have him in my top 10 at this point. That’s actually an intriguing couple of questions. Maybe I’ll answer them before the end of the year.

Miami Dolphins (5-3): Anyone who has followed this page for any period of time knows exactly what I’m going to say here. Granted, it has only been two games and he wasn’t great in one of them, but Tua Tagovaiola has been my man crush since his first appearance at Alabama.

New England Patriots (3-5): I guess in a year where everything seems to be going sideways for the Pats, the best thing for them is that they aren’t “Eff the Pats” this year. I’m sure they appreciate it. The thing is, I don’t hate Brady without the Pats and I feel sorry for the Pats without Brady. It was just an unholy alliance I couldn’t allow to exist.

New York Jets (0-9): I mean, what can I say about the Jets? At least they have an inside track at Trevor Lawrence. Though, what does that mean now that the guy has had Covid-19? We’ve seen that might have lingering effects. I suppose that it is fitting that I’m having trouble spinning an 0-9 record into a positive.

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs (8-1): You might expect me to say Mahomes here. And, with reason because I considered it. After all, last year he became my main NFL man crush. But, the fact of the matter is…well, the fact of the matter is that I’m saying Mahomes is the best thing that has happened to the Chiefs this year and maybe ever.

Las Vegas Raiders (5-3): I didn’t want the Raiders to move. The Raiders are, and always will be, from Oakland. However, I’d be lying if I said anything other than “Vegas Baby!” when discussing the best for this team. It’s just perfect that there are now two teams in the gambling capital of America. It really puts a dent in the whole sports is about comradery and competition.

Denver Broncos (3-5): Denver is rapidly approaching the territory that Seattle occupied briefly a few years ago. If someone doesn’t remind me periodically of their existence, I forget. I guess the best thing I can say about them is that at least they have this year to avoid being the fourth place team in the division. Because, next year, Herbert is going to blow up and propel San Diego ahead of them.

San Diego (I know, LA, but eff that) Chargers (2-6): The Chargers don’t deserve Justin Herbert. But, they have him. And, like Mahomes, he’s the best thing to happen to this team in a long time. Sure, they had Phillip Rivers, but honestly, what kind of a life is that for a football team?

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-0): They are my childhood team. That’s a tough habit to break. However, I drift farther and farther away every year from this team. Perhaps that’s the best thing to happen to them as they are 8-0 this year. I refuse to admit their rapey helmetless motorcycle riding QB is great. Their receiving corps thogh.

Baltimore Ravens (6-2): The best thing for this team is that they aren’t the Browns anymore. Can you imagine? Having Baker Mayfield as QB instead of Lamar Jackson? Think about it. Just for a minute, Ravens fans, and tell me I’m wrong.

Cleveland Browns (5-3): I used to like Baker. I rooted for the Browns and tried to use the 538 playoff predictor to get them into the playoffs a couple of years ago. I might still like Baker. But, he’s not the best thing on the Browns this year. Then again, he just might be. I can’t think of anything better. How sad is that?

Cincinatti Bengals (2-5-1): I’d be insane to say anything other than Joe “Mothereffing” Burrow. The kid has lived up to the hype as the number one pick. Sure, the Bengals are in last place in the division and they have two games left against the Steelers and one against the Ravens. They can hang their hat on Burrow being legit and next year being better.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts (6-3): I guess the best thing about the Colts is that they’re tied for first in the division in spite of being in salcap hell because of Andrew Luck’s decision to retire at the beginning of last season. By the way, I still support it 100%. Some things (meaning pretty much anything) are more important than football.

Tennessee Titans (6-3): Having trouble coming up with a best for the Titans. Until the Steelers beat them a few weeks ago, they were also undefeated. Since then, they’ve lost 3 out of 4 including one to the aforementioned Colts. I guess Derrick Henry is a beast.

Houston Texans (2-7): The best thing for the Texans is that they’ve gone back to their annual status of most disappointing team in the AFC. I mean, that’s not really a best, but it is a superlative. Great job, Texans!

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-7): Sure the Jets are winless, but I’m not entirely sure where I was going with that. The fact of the matter is that it is best for both of these teams that American sports don’t have European soccer style relegation.

The Verdict

I’m actually more interested in the conference now that we’ve reached the AFC 2020 midseason. The Chiefs no longer look to be the world beaters. The Steelers are surprisingly playing an effective heel as the only undefeated team. Tua! is winning hearts across Florida. Justin Herbert and Joe Burrow round out the great young QBs in the league. I keep saying to Chris that we seem to be going through another golden age for QBs and I’m here for it.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Completely Ignorant 2020 NFC Preview

Introduction

Yes, in spite of the fact that this 2020 NFC preview is being written after the conclusion of the first week of games, it is still completely ignorant. How can that be possible? Well, I didn’t watch a single game this weekend. Sure, I texted with Chris and checked out a few scores and highlights, but I’ve already forgotten most of that.

Besides, as KG told us, “Anything is possible!”

In my AFC Preview, I said that I hadn’t missed sports. It turns out that’s not entirely true. Between listening to Sal’s podcast last Friday and texting a few times with Chris, I’ve come to the conclusion that I sort of missed football. Obviously not enough to watch any games or get this article out in a timely manner. Nevertheless, I will display my ignorance and finish writing this up. On to the 2020 NFC preview!

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Both Sal and his buddy were high on the Cowboys during their NFC preview. Of course, theirs actually came before the season. Then again, they are getting paid to do theirs. I’m actually paying money to do this. Think of that next time you’re concerned with the quality of the page.

New York Giants – I said in my AFC preview that it’s a shame there are no professional football teams in New York. My beloved(?) Steelers then went out and tried their hardest to make the Giants look like one in the first game. Like Bobby Boucher’s mom said, “Foosball is the debil.”

Philadelphia Eagles – I don’t have anything to say about Philly. Well, that’s not true. I have two things to say about Philly, but only one is even remotely related to their football team. One, living in Massachusetts, when I used to tell people that I’m from Pennsylvania, they’d almost universally pose Philly as their guess. Two, I have a friend who was absolutely distraught that they lost to Washington.

Washingon Football Team – I don’t have to write *redacted* anymore. Sponsors, most notably FedEx, finally pressured Dan Snyder to join the 18th century and retire the racist nickname. Snyder, of course, dicked it up an named the team as you see. Yes, that’s the official name of the team this year. I’m kind of happy that he inadvertently gave the team some European flavor by naming it similar to actual futbol teams. Hey, you take the small victories against these pricks.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – Lamar Jackson, Patrick Mahomes, and Kyler Murray. Poor Larry Fitzgerald played with stiff after stiff and had to drag the corpse of Kurt Warner along just to make it to a Super Bowl. Now that he’s an old guy, he gets Kyler Murray. Sometimes life just isn’t fair, true believers.

Los Angeles Rams – The Rams went from the hot new thing to hot garbage in almost record time. Even in a league that wants to be known for parity, this team boomeranged back into obscurity quickly enough to give us all whiplash.

San Francisco 49ers – Earlier this year, as I was planning (well, not really, and it might even make me sound worse that I planned these disastrous articles) this article, I had to look up who lost to the Chiefs in the Super Bowl. I was a few seconds away from having to Google both teams in the Super Bowl. Football just isn’t a priority anymore. Man, this whole section just revealed me as a fraud.

Seattle Seahawks – Speaking of frauds…not really, I just usually use those awkward moments as opportunities to segue into something less uncomfortable. I suppose I have by moving onto Seattle. Then again, all I have to say about Seattle is that I’m a Sounders fan and they won the MLS title last year. Go Seahawks!

NFC North

Chicago Bears – I know the name of an actual player on the Bears. Mitch Trubisky. Also, I know Khalil Mack is still on the team. So, that’s two players. Slowly digging my way out from under the pile of awkward.

Detroit Lions – So, I had my yearly, “Matt Stafford is still starting for the Lions?” realization. Seriously, it’s tradition like Halloween or Christmas at this year. I just hope that when it isn’t happening all the time, I will give it the proper somber remembrance it deserves.

Green Bay Packers – Somehow, Green Bay went 13-3 last year with little to no fanfare. Every time I hear that statistic, I am shocked anew. Seriously, if you had asked me what Green Bay’s record was, I’d have said 9-7. You might be able to talk me into 10-6. But, 13-3? That’s wild, Man.

Minnesota Vikings – Kirk Cousins in their quarterback. Hey, actual football knowledge! But, I’m about to sabotage even that much. I only know who their quarterback is because of some random dude I started following on Instagram when I first tried to promote the page that way. So, I guess I’m saying I don’t have much hope for the Vikes this year.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta is one of the weirdest teams in recent history. They have a great QB, a great WR, a serviceable RB usually, and a defense that should allow them to contend. They were just in the Super Bowl a few years ago. And yet, they usually stink on ice. Now that I’ve said that, they’ll probably win the Super Bowl this year.

Carolina Panthers – Cam is with the Pats this year. That is literally the extent of my Panthers knowledge. That can’t be good in a division that has Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, and now Tom Brady. Okay, I felt sorry for the Panthers, so I looked up their QB. Teddy B. I mean, he’s not bad, but I certainly wouldn’t put him in the same tier as those other guys.

New Orleans Saints – Some people are picking them to win the Super Bowl. I’m not falling into that trap again. This team is snake bitten. They’ll be great in the regular season and then some voodoo curse will knock them out of the NFC Championship. I suppose that’s fitting for a team from New Orleans.

The Verdict (The 2020 NFC Preview doesn’t have me as excited for the season as the AFC)

It’s two weeks late, but the 2 Guys Gaming Completely Ignorant 2020 NFC Preview is finally here. I will say that the NFC doesn’t have me as interested as the AFC. Sure, it’ll be neat to see what Tom Terrific does in Tampa. And, that might be the only story line I care about over there in the NFC. Oh, watching the Cowboys crash and burn and hearing Sad Sal every week might be cool.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Quarantine Draft: NFC Edition

Introduction

It’s the Quarantine Draft: NFC Edition! This week has been a bit weird for us here at 2GG. I’m not sure entirely why, but I haven’t been as motivated this week to get things done. It’s weird because I’ve been “off” from school for the last three days. So, it should be easy to just write two stupid articles “analyzing” the draft that happened last weekend.

Instead, I’ve been playing Minecraft with Quinn, running two kids to Urgent Care (everything is fine), and finalizing my first written D&D campaign. I mean, it’s time well spent, but I’ve been trying to keep momentum going on the web page, but that’s been neglected. Oh well, I’ve still been able to get these articles out, even if they weren’t Plan A and aren’t very good.

Sometimes you just gotta say f**k it.

In fact, I just said “F**k it” all day today and played D3 instead of writing this article. Then, I spent some time with my family. Again, time well spent, but the web page is suffering a bit this week. Oh well, There’s always next week to get back on track. For now, let’s quarantine ourselves with some NFC draft picks

AFC East

Dallas Cowboys – As I was writing this one, I had a lot of 1s and even a couple of 0s. Thinking I might already be tired of this shtick. Thankfully, this is the last one of these I have to write for at least a year. Either way, I gave them a 3 (see the previous article for the scale), because I want to get CeeDee Lamb drunk and see what’s on his phone that he wouldn’t let his girlfriend scroll through.

New York Giants – I give them a 4. I don’t even think I looked at their draft picks. I just want to stand in solidarity with their GM for wearing a mask to a quarantine draft. In a country where everything is political, I’m not sure why I’m surprised that wearing masks has become an issue, but I am. Goodness gracious.

Philadelphia Eagles – Man, the AFC did things right. In a draft of 1s and 2, every one of the teams is a 3 or 4. This time, I ranked Philly high because they took Jalen Hurts. I wasn’t a fan of Hurts necessarily. In fact, as you might know, I was on the Bama Evil Empire train until Tua took over for Hurts and led them to a National Championship, But, Hurts seems like a good kid and took it all in stride. That gets kudos from me.

Washington *redacted* – ESPN might have caved to pressure, but I refuse. They complain about not being able to say a racist nickname and storm state capitals with weapons, but I’m the snowflake? Sure, okay. In any case, they took Chase Young and he seems like he’d be fun to hang out with. They get a 3.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – I gave them a 1, only because I kind of want to Face Time the GM and tell him that 2000 called and they want their first round big TE pick back. I mean, it might work out okay. In general, having a hulking receiver will work out okay, but that’s certainly not the way that NFL offenses are trending.

Detroit Lions – Another 1. And I have nothing to really say about the Lions either, so let me tell you a story about the Cowboys. I just had to look up which division they played in. I’m a bit worried, folks, about my mental decline during this non-quarantine quarantine.

Green Bay Packers – The NFC North is starting to become like the AFC South. I probably could just send all of these teams to London to restart NFL Europe. I have little use for any of them.

Minnesota Vikings – And after saying that, I now have to admit that I gave the Vikings a 4. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. I just saw that they had about a dozen draft picks. Surely, one or two of them has to be worth hanging out with.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Jeez. I must miss baseball. I almost typed in the Braves for the Falcons. Whatever. Either way, they get a 1. After the last couple of years, I’m kind of done with the Falcons. Can we relegate them?

Carolina Panthers – I gave them a 2. That might be generous. I’m not sure. All I know is I could be convinced to bump that to a 3. They drafted two guys with hyphenated names. I mean, that’s not something you see every year in the draft.

New Orleans Saints – All I put in my notes is 0. I suppose that I wasn’t impressed. Moving on. Guess, I should say something nice. I want to visit New Orleans.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I give their draft a zero, but to be a fly on the wall of the locker room next year. As you no doubt know, Tampa Bay made some of the biggest waves (at least in terms of headlines) by signing both Brady and Gronkenstein.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – They get a 1. Moving on. No, I’m not going to say something nice. If you’ve surmised that I am sick of this shtick, then you’d be correct.

Los Angeles Rams – I have no use for the current Rams team, but I gave their draft class a 3 on quarantine hang out potential. All I wrote was Akers and Miami (OH) in my notes. I still remember when I discovered there was a Miami University in Ohio and they still screw me up on the scrawl sometimes when I don’t read closely enough.

San Francisco 49ers – They get a 0, too. Hey, at least they were runners up in the SB last year. I’m just trying to sound current with that “nice” comment. I actually had to look up who played the Chiefs in this (I almost wrote last, that’s how long this year has felt) year’s Super Bowl.

Seattle Seahawks – I put a 2, and just the word Sounders in the notes. I’m not sure if that means that I could go either way on the draft class and wanted to mention the Sounders winning the championship again. Or, if I’d pretend to want to quarantine with them and then go to the Sounders instead. Now that I see it typed, I think it is the latter.

The Verdict

Unlike the AFC Edition, Quarantine Draft: NFC Edition isn’t as entertaining. Sure, the Buccaneers got Brady, but by this time, Chris is numb to the fact that Brady is gone. In face, he’s actually been talking the last two years that they should have planned for Brady leaving. He even advocated letting Brady go. Still, it’ll be fun to see how the season plays out, if it does. I mean, Supreme Leader says it’ll happen and when has he ever lied or been wrong?

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Quarantine Draft: AFC Edition

Introduction

Welcome to my Quarantine Draft: AFC Edition. To be perfectly honest, this week was going to be dedicated to Doom because the new Doom game just came out, but that felt like too many weeks of relevant and current gaming content in a row. I am putting Doom off until June when I’ll have more time to record videos of game play.

Another truth: I forgot the draft was happening. I mean, I’ve been off and on with the NFL lately (more on than off last year because my man Mahomes and his boys beat someone in the Super Bowl) for almost a decade now, so that shouldn’t be much of a surprise. Nevertheless, Chris texted me a few times about it because he’s frustrated by Belichick’s post Tom Brady plans so far. I figured, why not do an article about the draft. It’s been a while since we’ve done sports…well, anywhere.

I suppose I told two truths, so now time for a lie? Nah I won’t do that to you. Instead, I’ll finally get to the introduction portion of the article. The basis of this article is a 0-4 scale on how much I’d like to be quarantined with the team’s draft class. 0 – Unlikely, 1 – Not Very Likely, 2 – Neither Likely nor Unlikely, 3 – Very Likely, 4 – Extremely Likely. Yes, I understand that gives me a “middle ground” cop out option of 2, but I only utilized it 4 times out of the 16 AFC teams and I might change them as I rewrite and edit here.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – Chris was so dejected when the Bills took Fromm instead of the Patriots getting him. I’m not sure if that was the last straw or if it was Eason, but he’s really down on Belichick right now. I told him, “I’ll get my kicks in while I can because they’ll probably win the AFC East again.” What does that have to do with the bills? Nothing, but I’d like to hang out with Fromm, Dane Jackson is from Pittsburgh (my original hometown), and Gabriel Davis is from UCF, which is my adopted team ever since they crowned themselves. These guys get a 3.

Miami Dolphins – This is where Chris’s spiral started last week. The Dolphins took my new man crush, Tua, after he confidently texted me that he was probably going to the Patriots. Nuff said, as far as I’m concerned. Tua alone makes this one a 4.

New England Patriots – 0, Eff the Pats.

New York Jets – I gave them a 1. The only reason I went 1 instead of 0 is because they took an offensive lineman with their first pick. I will forever remember them as the “butt fumble” team, so that just struck me as funny. I’m sure it would get old for him pretty quickly, so their answer for me would probably be a 0.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – I gave them a 1. I didn’t read beyond their first pick and that LJ called him the next Ray Lewis. I don’t need to be getting murdered before Covid-19 can get me. We got old jokes for days here at 2GG!

Cincinnati Bengals – Joe Burrow gets this to a 3. He seems like a chill dude and he played for LSU. Louisiana is, rightly or wrongly, like party city in my head. They also took an OLB from Appalachian State. I would want to ask him if they still talk about the time they beat Michigan. But, that doesn’t quite push it to a 4. I could live without the answer.

Cleveland Browns – While I’d probably give their actual team a 4, this draft class doesn’t do much for me. I gave them a 1 because I’d hope during the quarantine that maybe some of the guys like Baker and OBJ would break quarantine and come hang out with us.

Pittsburgh Steelers – My only notes for my childhood team are 2 – Eh. I guess that means I’m not impressed. I do like that they took a WR in the first round. It means that I won’t have to listen to Simmons and Sal wonder how the Steelers keep getting lucky with their late round WR picks. However, a 2 is almost more damning than a 0. It just means I don’t care that much to actually give it a rating.

AFC South

Houston Texans – They get a 0. They will forever and always get a 0. Other than Deshaun Watson, the entire team can be sold to Mexico to help pay down the national debt. You thought I was going to make another political joke, didn’t you? Well, not here.

Indianapolis Colts – Initially, I put a 2, but I’m going to bump it up to a 3. The Dolphins took Tua, Buffalo took Fromm, and the non divisional rival took Eason to complete the torture of Chris. Add to it that they took a player from my alma mater and, yeah, a 3 is probably apropros.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Like the Texans, we can get rid of the Jags. Other than the year that I won my fantasy football league with Blake Bortles as my quarterback (thus starting my UCF fandom), I sometimes forget that the Jags exist. So, how much traction am I going to try to get out of this Blake Bortles story? Well, do you have a better one? They get a 1 because they drafted a guy named Shaquille.

Tennessee Titans – Jesus, can we just get rid of the AFC South already? I couldn’t even remember what this stupid teams name was. I wanted to say Tuxedos? Whatever, they drafted a guy from Hawai’i. I don’t know the rules of this quarantine, but if I got to spend a month in Hawai’i, I’d be okay with that.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – They’re a 2, leaning to 3. They got Jerry Jeudy and a guy named Cleveland. I could ask him how he feels playing for the…oh, never mind. It’s a solid 2. But, Jeudy will be fun to watch next year.

Kansas City Chiefs – Helaire by himself is a 3. I didn’t see any other names on the list. But, just to be able to play against the guy in Madden with himself on the Chiefs to see if they could possibly go undefeated next year would be a fun exercise.

Los Angeles Chargers – Holy cow. I might have forgotten the Tuxedos names, but I forgot the Chargers were a team. Twice. The first time, I had to come back to add this section. Then, I nearly called them the Clippers. I was going to give them a 2 because I thought their QB’s name was Hebert, but it’s Herbert. So, they’re demoted to a 0.

Las Vegas Raiders – I’m not even sure that I looked at their draft picks, but the Raiders are in Vegas, baby! Similar to my wish to spend quarantine in Hawai’i, why not Vegas? It’s warm, there’s plenty of entertainment (except the casinos shut down), and it’s warm. Eff this New England spring. They get a 3.

The Verdict

Even though I forgot about it, the Quarantine Draft: AFC Edition was entertaining to watch. By that, I mean it was fun to watch Chris slowly lose his mind as Belichick passed over QB after QB in favor of, in the immortal words of one of his last texts, “They took a kicker!” Aside from that, I didn’t pay as much attention to college football the last couple of years, so I didn’t know as many of the players. Here’s hoping that Covid-19 allows us to watch football in the fall.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Noob’s Top 10: Super Bowl LIV

Introduction

First, it was nice of the NFL to name this year’s Super Bowl LIV after Steven Tyler’s daughter. I don’t think she’s been working much lately, so this will be a bit of a pick me up for her. Secondly, this Top 10 is going to be the “Top 10 reason I would actually watch the Super Bowl this year (but still won’t because my family has a tradition)” but that title was entirely too long.

Besides, I’m not sure how I would watch the game. I got rid of Hulu Live TV a few months ago to save money. Chris and I talked about maybe getting together for the game, but as too often happens with our plans, they fell apart. So, we are going to go with the usual family plan of watching movies instead. However, I will still have the Gamecast of Super Bowl LIV on in the background because I really want to watch this game. Let’s explore why.

Update: This was supposed to be posted before the Super Bowl. As happens, it was not. So, I will update it as a preview and post mortem. Hope you enjoy. Also be sure to check out my championship preview.

Noob’s Top 10: Super Bowl LIV

10. Eff the Pats – For the first time in forever, the Patriots didn’t even sniff the Super Bowl this year. Long time fans of the page will know why this makes me so happy. For those who are new here, welcome! I have always hated the Patriots for as long as I can remember. Stick around for a while and you’ll learn why. In any case, I’m so happy that the Pats lost in the wildcard round.

Update: The Patriots still weren’t in the game. In spite of my fears that they might find a way to use Tom Brady’s connection to Donald Trump to Electoral College their way in, the only connection to the Patriots was Jimmy G.

9. Schadenfreude – Don’t think that just because the Pats aren’t in the Super Bowl that I won’t be able to find joy in the misery of others. That’s my specialty. There is plenty to be happy about if Jimmy G falls on his face.

Update: Speaking of Jimmy G, he didn’t exactly fall on his face. However, he definitely wasn’t up to the challenge of out Mahomesing Mahomes. Honestly, I don’t know if anyone was up to that challenge this year.

8. Halftime Show – Gaga and Katy Perry. Then, whatever the heck happened last year. This year, another show that middle aged white guys like me will surely enjoy. I mean, Shakira and JLo on the same stage? How can you go wrong?

Update: The answer, of course, is that you couldn’t go wrong. Unless you are a bitter old racist. Then, seemingly, you lost your ever loving mind.

7. Andy Reid – I give him a lot of crap for his clock management and for good reason. However, a couple of weeks ago, Chris and I were texting. I said something about Reid letting the game plan go and allowing his coordinators to call the shots. I’m not sure how true that is, but the team has been running smoothly.

Update: Andy Reid was in the perfect position to Andy Reid the hell out of this game. He didn’t. Furthermore, it seemed like the Chiefs weren’t going to let him if he tried.

6. Go for the throat – Directly related to the last point, the Chiefs have taken a page from the Patriots playbook. They try to score at the end of the half and then bury the opposition with their first possession of the second half. It’s a beautiful thing to watch. Especially since it isn’t the Pats.

Update: The Chiefs managed to do neither of these things. I texted Chris that SF being able to prevent this from happening was huge. In fact, San Francisco was in prime position to win this game. They did nearly everything right. Uh, about that…

5. Kyle Shanahan – Remember, he was the offensive coordinator on the Falcons the year that they blew a 25 point lead. Now, I’m not saying that will have any bearing on this game, but it’s something to keep in the back of your mind as you watch.

Update: Poor Kyle Shanahan. I heard a ridiculous stat on Simmons and Sal about the last two 4th quarters that a Kyle Shanahan offense has been in the Super Bowl. It wasn’t good. Now, he goes down in history as the guy who blew it against Belichick and out Andy Reided Andy Reid.

4. Next Year – I don’t know the last time I was actually looking forward to an NFL season. It has been at least a decade. I got out of football slowly over the years, but you can see my progression if you watch my Facebook memories.

Update: I said to Chris after the game that I’m looking forward to the season, so this hasn’t changed. I want to see if Baltimore can continue their rise next year like the Chiefs did this year. I want to see if Father Time can finally defeat the Golden Boy. Chris mentioned Buffalo, who could easily win the east if so. Can’t wait!

3. Prop Bets – I’m not much of a gambler. Unlike many weekend warrior bettors, not even the amount of Super Bowl props can make me want to throw my money away. However, I like the shows about the bets and imagining myself making stupid money because someone scored a safety as the first points of the game.

Update: I didn’t make any money off the props again this year. I didn’t spend any money on them, either, so all in all, zero net gain is a win. Like the commercials that everyone enjoys watching for some reason, these things are getting out of control, though.

2. San Francisco’s Defense – Other than Patrick Mahomes, this is the sole reason to watch the game. They haven’t been historically good this year, but San Francisco’s defense is downright scary. If the 49ers win, I hope it is because of the defense and not beautiful Jimmy G.

Update: As mentioned above, San Francisco was in the pest position to win a Super Bowl that I’ve seen from a team in the last few years. They had a 10 point lead. Their defense was confounding Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs offense. Then, it all just fell apart. Or…

1. Patrick Mahomes – I had a brief fling with Lamar Jackson this year as my quarterback man crush, but Mahomes is the OG real deal. He is the only reason that I watch football at all over the last two years.

Update: Alternatively, Mahomes just did what Mahomes does. He and the Chiefs just seemed to want to spot their opponents 10+ point leads in the playoffs and then come back to win the game. I watched the last two touchdown drives when I finally realized they were streaming the game on NFL.com. They were things of beauty.

The Verdict

Super Bowl LIV was fun. Sure, the middle was a bit concerning if you were rooting for the Chiefs, but the comeback was amazing and that’s all we’ll remember years from now. The NFL will make sure of that by only playing highlights from the comeback. I’m excited for the new season and a fan of football again. However, not enough to watch the XFL.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2019 NFL Conference Championship Preview

Introduction

Welcome to my 2019 NFL Conference Championship Preview. This is getting posted during the Tennessee/KC game, so it will soon be obsolete. Nevertheless, I wanted to post the article for posterity sake. You will just have to take my word for it that I wrote it a few days ago. After all, I’m pretty good about being honest.

Speaking of being honest, I just spent the last 45 minutes playing cribbage with my wife. So, this isn’t going to post until after the Chiefs game and maybe well into the evening game. Oh well, better late than never. So, I can’t use the “Eff the Pats” scale that I used a couple of years ago. They got effed by Tennessee in the coin flip round.

Another admission. You can obviously see that this is posting on Monday afternoon, after both games were played. I mean, that’s not a huge deal since I’m not making any picks (though my picks were the Chiefs and 49ers, so 5-4-1 so far in the playoffs and improving every round). But, still, in the interest of full disclosure, I figured I’d explain. Now, on to the potential match ups.

Least Favorite (Tennessee vs. San Francisco)

San Francisco seems like the only team left in the playoffs capable of containing Derrick Henry. That would mean that this game would just end up being a snooze fest defensive battle. Once upon a time, that’s the kind of game I’d be interested in. However, this isn’t your father’s National Football League. We want offense and lots of it. Keep this boring match up in the truly worst of timelines.

Slightly More Interesting (Tennessee vs. Green Bay)

At least in this game, the possibility exists that Henry goes off and sets a Super Bowl record for rushing. Plus, Rodgers gets to go for his second. This is just a demonstrably more interesting match up than Tennessee and San Fran. I don’t want Tennessee anywhere near the Super Bowl this year, but facts are facts.

Okay, Now We’re Talking (Kansas City vs. Green Bay)

I was having a tough time ranking the last two match ups. Like Chris said when I texted him about it, “I just want KC. I’d be okay with either match up.” I’m excited for this one because I think it could just be a good old fashioned shoot out between Mahomes and Rodgers. But, Chris put a bit of a damper on it by saying that Mahomes wins hands down. He’s right. KC’s talent on offense is just ridiculous.

Strength vs. Strength (Kansas City vs. San Francisco)

Kansas City’s offense, as I just said, is ridiculous. San Francisco’s defense is downright scary. The classic immovable object vs. the irresistible force. Who wins? Unfortunately, I think that it’s San Fran’s defense, but it will still be a fun game if it happens.

The Verdict

Three out of the four match ups can be really fun. The fourth, I could talk myself into finding interesting in the two weeks of hype leading to the game. In any case, I hope that your team finds a way into the Super Bowl. Thanks for reading my 2019 NFL Conference Championship Preview. Be sure to come back for my Super Bowl Preview and Post Mortem in the weeks to come.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2019 NFL Divisional Playoffs Post Mortem

Introduction

Welcome to my 2019 NFL Divisional Playoffs Post Mortem. For the most part, things went as planned. There was, of course, the Tennessee Tuxedos destroying the Ravens. Other than that, though, there weren’t a ton of surprises. This is reflected in my 2-1-1 (I picked the Seahawks, but knew in my heart that Green Bay would win, so I’m taking a tie for that game.) record for the round. With my 1-3 in the coin flip weekend, that brings me to 3-4-1 for the playoffs so far.

That’s not a great record, of course. But, depending on how I bet the games, I could still be plus money at this point. Then again, I probably would have put a small fortune on Baltimore, so that point it moot. Speaking of Baltimore…

Tennessee at Baltimore

What more can I possibly say about this game? I was so convinced of the outcome that I didn’t bother even tuning in to see how it was going. It was only after Chris texted me several times during the beginning of the game. At least one of them was, “WTF”. So, I tuned in and Baltimore was down 14-0. Well, I thought, LJ is the MVP for this year and there’s plenty of time to come back. Well, about that. The come back never materialized and half of my Super Bowl pick was DOA. Well, both of them were actually dead, but that wasn’t official until Sunday.

Minnesota at San Francisco

This was the least surprising game of the weekend. I thought that San Francisco would roll the Vikings and they did. Sure, Minnesota stayed close for the first half, but eventually, San Fran’s talent just took over and won the game. There’s a reason that they were my close second to make it to the Super Bowl from the NFC.

Seattle at Green Bay

This was probably the other least surprising game from the weekend. I know that makes no sense in a couple of contexts. First, I picked Seattle to go to the Super Bowl. Second, how can you have 2 least surprising victories? Well, technically, you can’t. However, my original statement made even less sense, if that makes, er, sense. I mean, all you have to do is look at that last run on sentence to see where my brain is today. I mean, it was a bit surprising when I saw that Seattle was starting to come back, but not really. Russell Wilson is known for those come backs. So, ultimately, not terribly surprising.

Houston at Kansas City

I went for a walk through the Quabbin with Christine. I came home to no less than 5 texts from Chris again. Again, at least one of them read, “WTF.” So, I went to check the score of the game and it was 28-24. I thought that was the final. Nope, halftime. KC continued to pour it on after halftime and Mahomes seems to have finally reached his final form. We will see if Andy Reid can prevent himself from Andy Reiding all over the AFCC, but I’m excited for the prospect of Mahomes in the Super Bowl. Doesn’t even matter who they play. But, that is a discussion for the next article.

The Verdict

Thanks for reading my 2019 NFL Divisional Round Post Mortem. I texted Chris the other day that 9 times out of 10, Baltimore wins that game. We just live in the worst timeline. Oh well, at least Mahomes is still alive and chucking it. As long as that’s true, I’ll pay attention. So, hopefully, the timeline is fixing itself as we speak and I’ll get to see him in the Super Bowl.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend

Introduction

Note: Welcome to 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend. I thought that I had already pressed publish on this post. However, it would seem that I never even saved it. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but it disappeared from page. So, I will attempt to recreate it now. Also, you know that I’m not lying because I admit to picking both the Bills and Pats last night. Also, I know I promised New Year’s resolutions in my previous article. They are coming, faithful fans. Be patient.

A few years ago, I started this “completely ignorant” shtick by picking the playoffs. I don’t remember my record, but I remember that it was good enough to continue the shtick even into this year, a year that I’ve been interested in football more than any time in the last 5 or 6. I dubbed Wild Card weekend coin flip weekend because that was the only time I lost games due to the crazy nature.

AFC Coin Flip Games

Buffalo at Houston – Those of you who have been reading the page know that Buffalo has been my darling since about week 4 or 5. Others more in the know have finally admitted what I’ve known all year. Buffalo’s defense is very good. Their offense is a rag tag group of nobodies and that will eventually catch up to them. But, I think their defense can carry them in this game. It all ends next week against Baltimore, but it will be fun for another week.

Tennessee at New England – I was talking to a friend the other day and he reiterate what I’ve believed for most of my adult life. Sports are scripted. Sure, the outcomes of games might be more or less “random”, but leagues work heavily to push certain narratives. One of those narratives for the last decade or so has been that the Patriots always start to look mortal towards the end of the year and then suddenly, three weeks later they are in the Super Bowl. I honestly don’t think that’s going to happen, but it is possibly Brady’s last year in New England, so maybe he rides off like so many others have been able, too. Plus, the game is in Foxboro and the dynasty doesn’t end there.

NFC Coin Flip Games

Vikings at Saints – I really like Drew Brees. I know that he’s been “cancelled” or whatever by Twitter, but who gives a crap what the shut ins and bots at Twitter have to say? I’m sure there’s a good reason and I will do more research over the offseason to see what the ballyhoo is about. For now, though, I will live in my bubble of ignorance and root for the Saints. Plus, maybe they can finally put that stupid Minnesota Miracle nonsense behind them.

Seattle at Philadelphia – I find it personally offensive that the records of these teams are nearly identical to the Pats/Titans and yet, the team with the decidedly better record and resume are the ones on the road. Also, I picked Seattle to go to the Super Bowl a few weeks ago. I know that I’m allowed to change my pick, but I really don’t want to. I want to see Baltimore/Seattle, so I’m staying stubborn on this one.

The Verdict

The games this weekend aren’t bad. I’m worried that the Pats will survive another week to haunt me like the zombie movies of my youth. Other than that, I would be fine with any outcome. Oh, no Philadelphia, either. 9-7 division winners can get effed. Hope you all enjoy 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend and see you next week when the playoffs really start.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2019 NFL Season Review Part 2

Introduction

Welcome to our 2019 NFL Season review part 2. Yesterday, we did the first part of the review by playing Santa Claus and giving each of the AFC teams a late Christmas gift. Today it is time for the NFC. Then, at some point during the week, I will do New Year’s resolutions for each of the teams.

Apologies for all of the NFL content. It’s my way of trying to get back into the swing of things for the new year. I promised myself and the page that I would do something. Then, life got busy again. Yes, that is a bit of a convenient excuse. But, it’s also true. Okay, enough about me. Let’s give out some more gifts.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys weren’t quite the horror show that the Browns ended up being. However, they did underperform once again after a promising previous year. Jason Garrett, as much fun as it is to watch him on the sideline, needs to go. Since I gave Urban to the Browns, enjoy Lincoln Riley, Dallas.

New York Giants – I give them a peaceful and painless Eli Manning retirement. He wasn’t as historic as big brother. However, he did give you two Super Bowl victories over the Patriots. For that, he has my undying gratitude. God speed, Eli.

Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles fans are a miserable bunch. They went 9-7 this year and limped into the playoffs. But, they’re happy as long as Dallas isn’t and Dallas isn’t happy. So, the Eagles have everything they need. Please, just lose in the first round and go away.

Washington Racists – I will forever wish only one thing on this disgusting organization. Get a new name. I know that will only happen if Dan Snyder is gone, so draw your own conclusions.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals

Los Angeles Rams – I grant the Rams the ability to go back in time a few months and not hamstring their entire organization with the Jared Goff contract. That guy stinks on ice. Oh, and wunderkind Sean McVay? Yeah, about that.

San Francisco 49ers – I appear to have already given the 49ers one of the best gifts I possibly could. I picked the Seahawks to win the division and, ultimately, the Super Bowl. Apparently, that went right up on the billboard in 49ers locker room. You’re welcome.

Seattle Seahawks – I give the Seahawks a healthy running back that doesn’t have one foot in the retirement home. Beast Mode coming back is wonderful and heartwarming. However, it isn’t going to do much to erase the demons of Super Bowl 49.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – Last year, Da Bears got eliminated from the playoffs due to the “double doink”. This year, the wheels just fell off. I’m giving them a lucky rabbits foot, a four leaf clover, and a horseshoe. Hopefully that counteracts whatever bad mojo has been rising.

Detroit Lions – Earlier in the year, I was again surprised to learn that John Matthew Stafford was still a starting quarterback in this league. This has been an annual epiphany for at least the last three years. He is a gift unto himself.

Green Bay Packers – I give the Packers a peaceful week off and plenty of snow next week for the Saints to come into town. If things go the way I expect, that will be next week’s game.

Minnesota Vikings – I give the Vikings a pat on the heads and an “Atta boy” for making it into the playoffs. I just have a feeling the Saints are gonna steamroll them. No chance at a “Minnesota Miracle” this time.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Another team that grossly underperformed this year. I give you and your fans some time off to think about what you did to the league and other fans this year. It wasn’t a kind thing that you did and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Carolina Panthers – Chris told me the other day that Josh McDaniel was being considered as the head coach of Carolina. I replied with an “LOL”. Please, for the love of all that is holy, I give you any coach but him.

New Orleans Saints – I grant New Orleans the greatness of my presence this summer. I know that sounds conceited and it just might be. I’m just saying that I visited South Carolina last year and now Clemson is in the championship. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I give Jameis Winston LASIK surgery. I don’t know if he actually needs it, but he did become the first 30/30 man in the NFL. Sure, it’s entertaining as hell, but it had to be frustrating for TB fans. Both of you.

The Verdict

All 32 teams have been given their gift. Man, I don’t know how Santa does this every year. I’m spent after only 2 days of writing these articles. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed my 2019 NFL season review part 2. Join us the rest of the week as we do NFL resolutions.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).