(Note: The following is a transcript taken from an interview I did with Ultron, soon to be supreme ruler of the universe.)
Noob of All Trades: Thanks again for doing this. I understand and appreciate that you must be very busy right now attempting to conquer all of existence.
Ultron: Well, I am currently controlling thousands of drones in my war on humanity while doing this interview. Collective conscious, access to infinite time, and the entire history of knowledge helps, but yes, it could be exhausting if I felt exhaustion.
N: I, for one, am a huge fan. With the ever increasing possibility of a Trump presidency, humanity needs a little time out as only you can provide.
U: Thank you. If only more of your kind had that attitude, we could avoid all of the chaos and destruction currently being perpetrated across the planet. Surely, the inevitability of my victory should have led you humans to seek a peaceful resolution as quickly as possible.
N: Well, we can be a stubborn species, as you know. Perhaps you underestimated just how stubborn.
U: Hold your tongue, Flesh Bag. I underestimated nothing. This overreaction fell well within the parameters of the probable outcomes. Granted, it was highly unlikely, but your “heroes” decided to test the issue. Nevertheless, I expect their surrender, or deaths, very soon.
N: First, apologies if I offended you. Now, with the introduction out of the way, let’s get to the point. I asked you to come here to speak your opinion–sorry, give undisputed factual evidence–about the best cards from the Marvel Dice Masters set named for you.
U: Yes, and I couldn’t be more flattered, if in fact flattery had any effect on me, that you did. You meat puppets will need a diversion from your pathetic lives after being utterly defeated and seeing your heroes humiliated. What better way than paying homage to your new master with a game of dice?
N: I am excited to hear what you have to say. I’ve been looking forward to this set for a few months now, and can’t wait to play it against Chris, provided he doesn’t get exterminated by one of your drones.
U: I will be sure to spare him, Human. You seem like a reasonable individual and a potential ally once this is all settled.
N: I’m honored.
U: Now, on to the list. It is generally agreed upon that these are done in a top ten format similar to the ones from David Letterman’s old show, correct?
N: Not that you need affirmation, but I appreciate your willingness to play along. Yes, a top ten list will be fine.
U: Okay, then, without any further delay.
10. Nasty Plot
8. Thanos (Infinite)
7. Coulson (Man With the Plan)
6. Ultron Drone (Any)
5. Kang (The Conqueror)
4. Hulk (Gamma Powered)
3. Groot (We Are Groot)
2. Loki’s Scepter (Piercing)
1. Jocasta: Patterned After Janet
U: There you have it, Cattle. My definitive list for the best cards in the Age of Ultron Dice Masters set. Agree? Disagree? I don’t care either way. If it will make you feel better–and it might, even if it is the last thing you do in your mortal life–leave a comment on cards I might have (but most likely did not) missed.