2019 NFL Season Review Part 2

Introduction

Welcome to our 2019 NFL Season review part 2. Yesterday, we did the first part of the review by playing Santa Claus and giving each of the AFC teams a late Christmas gift. Today it is time for the NFC. Then, at some point during the week, I will do New Year’s resolutions for each of the teams.

Apologies for all of the NFL content. It’s my way of trying to get back into the swing of things for the new year. I promised myself and the page that I would do something. Then, life got busy again. Yes, that is a bit of a convenient excuse. But, it’s also true. Okay, enough about me. Let’s give out some more gifts.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys weren’t quite the horror show that the Browns ended up being. However, they did underperform once again after a promising previous year. Jason Garrett, as much fun as it is to watch him on the sideline, needs to go. Since I gave Urban to the Browns, enjoy Lincoln Riley, Dallas.

New York Giants – I give them a peaceful and painless Eli Manning retirement. He wasn’t as historic as big brother. However, he did give you two Super Bowl victories over the Patriots. For that, he has my undying gratitude. God speed, Eli.

Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles fans are a miserable bunch. They went 9-7 this year and limped into the playoffs. But, they’re happy as long as Dallas isn’t and Dallas isn’t happy. So, the Eagles have everything they need. Please, just lose in the first round and go away.

Washington Racists – I will forever wish only one thing on this disgusting organization. Get a new name. I know that will only happen if Dan Snyder is gone, so draw your own conclusions.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals

Los Angeles Rams – I grant the Rams the ability to go back in time a few months and not hamstring their entire organization with the Jared Goff contract. That guy stinks on ice. Oh, and wunderkind Sean McVay? Yeah, about that.

San Francisco 49ers – I appear to have already given the 49ers one of the best gifts I possibly could. I picked the Seahawks to win the division and, ultimately, the Super Bowl. Apparently, that went right up on the billboard in 49ers locker room. You’re welcome.

Seattle Seahawks – I give the Seahawks a healthy running back that doesn’t have one foot in the retirement home. Beast Mode coming back is wonderful and heartwarming. However, it isn’t going to do much to erase the demons of Super Bowl 49.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – Last year, Da Bears got eliminated from the playoffs due to the “double doink”. This year, the wheels just fell off. I’m giving them a lucky rabbits foot, a four leaf clover, and a horseshoe. Hopefully that counteracts whatever bad mojo has been rising.

Detroit Lions – Earlier in the year, I was again surprised to learn that John Matthew Stafford was still a starting quarterback in this league. This has been an annual epiphany for at least the last three years. He is a gift unto himself.

Green Bay Packers – I give the Packers a peaceful week off and plenty of snow next week for the Saints to come into town. If things go the way I expect, that will be next week’s game.

Minnesota Vikings – I give the Vikings a pat on the heads and an “Atta boy” for making it into the playoffs. I just have a feeling the Saints are gonna steamroll them. No chance at a “Minnesota Miracle” this time.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Another team that grossly underperformed this year. I give you and your fans some time off to think about what you did to the league and other fans this year. It wasn’t a kind thing that you did and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Carolina Panthers – Chris told me the other day that Josh McDaniel was being considered as the head coach of Carolina. I replied with an “LOL”. Please, for the love of all that is holy, I give you any coach but him.

New Orleans Saints – I grant New Orleans the greatness of my presence this summer. I know that sounds conceited and it just might be. I’m just saying that I visited South Carolina last year and now Clemson is in the championship. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I give Jameis Winston LASIK surgery. I don’t know if he actually needs it, but he did become the first 30/30 man in the NFL. Sure, it’s entertaining as hell, but it had to be frustrating for TB fans. Both of you.

The Verdict

All 32 teams have been given their gift. Man, I don’t know how Santa does this every year. I’m spent after only 2 days of writing these articles. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed my 2019 NFL season review part 2. Join us the rest of the week as we do NFL resolutions.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

2019 NFL Season Review Part 1

Introduction

Here we are at both the end of the year and the 2019 NFL Season Review part 1. As Chris and I have both said numerous times, it has been an interesting season and the playoffs should be fun this year. I’m, personally, pulling for Buffalo. But, I realize this is just their “sneaky” year and we have to wait until next year to see if they are for real.

Also, my pick a few weeks ago was Baltimore and Seattle, but injuries have hit them hard. I know it is boring, but I’m amending that to Baltimore and San Francisco for the “Big Game”. (Super Bowl, there I said it. Please see my note at the end of the page, NFL.) As in the past, I will do actual previews for the playoffs. That’s where this little gimmick started, so it’s only fair that we pay homage to that. But, that’s later in the week.

Now, we wrap up the 2019 NFL season with a few more cheeky articles. The first one was supposed to happen before Christmas. I was going to get a gift for each of the 32 NFL teams. So, even though it’s about a week late, let’s play NFL Santa. On with the 2019 NFL season review part 1.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – Two weeks ago, I would have said that the Bills didn’t really need anything. They were a game out of the division lead and playing the Patriots. Then, they lost a close one against the Pats and took this week off against the Jets. Now, I will give them a playoff win to get into the second round.

Miami Dolphins – Now, this is the team that needs nothing. They got their annual final week victory against the Patriots to knock them out of a first round bye. I read that Ryan Fitzpatrick has now beaten the Patriots as a member of every other AFC East team. That’s a great stat.

New England Patriots – I normally don’t like the Patriots, as you all know. However, as I’m still in the Christmas spirit, I will give them one of the best presents I can think of. With Brady decidedly on his way out, I will follow up on a rumor I heard a few weeks ago. New England Patriots, I give you Tua Tagovailoa. Treat him right.

New York Jets – I will get them a DVD review of the year of the Super Bowl III win. That might be the last time this franchise had a serviceable quarterback.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – Sure, this was a forgettable season, but they live in Denver, where both weed and mushrooms are legal. They won’t have any trouble forgetting. Merry Christmas, Broncos.

Kansas City Chiefs – All I want for the Chiefs is bubble wrap armor to keep Patrick Mahomes healthy. Sure, Lamar Jackson has taken over and become the darling of the league, but Mahomes was my OG QB man crush from last year. Keep that man on the field.

Las Vegas Raiders – All I want for the Raiders for Christmas is that they find a forever home. Los Angeles, Oakland, Las Vegas, London. It simply doesn’t matter. Just pick a place and stay there, Raiders. You’re embarrassing yourselves.

San Diego Chargers – I want to give the Chargers something similar and I think you can figure out what it was by my “typo”. Regular readers of this column know that isn’t a typo. The Chargers belong in San Diego and there’s no reason (other than blatant money grab) that they are in LA).

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – This has been a year of reconciliation for me and the NFL. First, I’m willing to give the Patriots my college QB man crush in the draft. Now, I’m 100% rooting for the Ravens to win the Super Bowl this year. There, I said it.

Cincinnati Bengals – Okay, now this is a team that needs Santa. Or, maybe Jesus. Hell, probably both. I’m just granting them and their fans merciful end to this nightmare of a season. I told you I was feeling generous.

Cleveland Browns – I grant the Browns a new coach! What? Freddie Kitchens has been fired? Well, I am the most efficient Santa ever. Maybe they’ll be able to snipe the Cowboys for Urban Meyer.

Pittsburgh Steelers – At the end of last year and the beginning of this one, I would have given the Steelers a new coach. Only a couple of weeks ago, I texted Chris with the hot take, “Tomlin is the coach of the year.” He calmed me by reminding me that Buffalo was guaranteed to make the playoffs. So, this year, I give the Steelers my undying affection once again. I’ve always liked an underdog.

AFC South

Houston Texans – I give the Texans a slight chance of beating my Buffalo Bills in the playoffs. I know it is in Texas and that the Bills offense hasn’t quite lived up to the defense, but I think the Bills are good for one more win this year. Aren’t I feeling generous? Well, yes, but usually I say the AFC South just shouldn’t exist, so this is a plus.

Indianapolis Colts – The best thing for this team would be for Tom Brady to pull a heel turn and come to Indianapolis at the end of his career to bring them a Super Bowl. He’s obsessed with being the best and erasing part of Peyton Manning’s legacy would be fun.

Jacksonville Jaguars – I give them their continued existence. Just move them to London with the Raiders so I don’t ever have to watch them again.

Tennessee Titans – I give them my full support against the Pats. Yes, I’m still in the generous mood, but that only extends to the regular and offseason. I can’t take another year of watching the Pats stumble their way into the damn Super Bowl. Just end this next weekend, Tennessee.

The Verdict

The 2019 NFL Season review part 1 is done. All of the AFC teams will find their late Christmas gifts under the tree just in time to celebrate the new year. Thanks for reading and join us tomorrow to play Santa again with the NFC teams.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 15 Preview

Introduction (Holiday Edition Part 1)

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 15. Yes, I wrote holiday in the title. Please, please, boycott my page. Boycotts of “holiday” themed things seem to make them go viral. Given how work is going I would love a little bit of monetization from this page. So, bring on the boycott.

Last week’s page was a bit hit or miss. Because I didn’t plan properly, it was mostly miss. So, live and learn. In spite of my slightly passive aggressive earlier paragraph, I do love the Christmas season. I always have. This year I was able to get Christine on board, but we lost Liam a bit because of a decision to get a fake tree. Oh well, can’t please them all. Real tree folks, boycott us, too!

This week, I will try to come up with a Christmas movie that reminds me of the of the game in question. Again, this isn’t terrible well thought out. So, it might fail spectacularly. We are nothing if not resilient around here. Let’s preview 2019 NFL Week 15

Almost Classics

Miami at New York Giants – “Earnest Saves Christmas”. The two teams will somehow bungle their way to a heartwarming finish.

Jacksonville at Las Vegas (In London?) – “Klaus” Two teams that have no business playing football in this country represented by a “foreign” movie that suspiciously sounds American.

New England at Cincinnati – “Rudolph” A game that will be watched by a ton of people for some reason, but I have no interest whatsoever. Rudolph fans, boycott us!

Philadelphia at Washington – “Frosty the Snowman” Slightly annoying and a bit too long, do we really have to do this game twice a year?

Cleveland at Arizona – “Noelle” Similar to Noelle, I just discovered a love for Cleveland’s and Arizona’s quarterbacks. Also, similar to Noelle, I expect this game to be surprisingly fun and to be left wanting more.

New Classics

Tampa Bay at Detroit – “The Santa Clause” I feel safe in ignoring this game for large portions in the same what that I can ignore the movie without missing major plot points.

Minnesota at Los Angeles Chargers “Home Alone” See the previous paragraph. Also, if the game goes like I think it might, the Vikings are going to beat up the Chargers like Kevin did the burglers.

Indianapolis at New Orleans – “The Grinch (the new animated one)” Both of these teams make be grumpy for very different, but ultimately the same, reasons. They have just been really whiny this year. Kinda like the Grinch.

Seattle at Carolina – “Polar Express” I’ve had a tough time matching this one to a proper movie. Polar Express works because like the movie, I tend to forget that the Seattle football team exists.

Classics

Chicago at Green Bay – “Peanuts Christmas” For some reason, like Frosty, we have to do this game twice a year. Likewise, for some reason, we watch this movie every single year.

Atlanta at San Francisco – “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” This year, Atlanta is the douche neighbors and San Francisco is the Griswolds constantly sticking it to them.

Denver at Kansas City – “The Grinch (old animated one)” Patrick Mahomes is Cindy Lou Who constantly keeping me entertained and interested in the NFL in spite of my growing disinterest.

Buffalo at Pittsburgh – “Christmas Story” The Steelers have made me say “Oh fudge” more than once. Meanwhile, Buffalo has been a nice surprise this year, a la the BB gun at the end.

The Best

Houston at Tennessee – “Scrooged” This one almost hurts. I couldn’t justify any other game as this one is a fight for first place. But, Scrooged holds a special place in my heart and I’ve often said that we could eliminate the two southern divisions with no consequence. Oh well, can’t win em all.

The Verdict

While I’d not call this a complete success, it definitely went better than last week. Like I say, live and learn. There are still things to improve, but I have a couple of weeks this year and all of next year to try to figure it out. As always, thanks for joining us for 2019 NFL Week 15 and we’ll see you next week for Holiday Edition Part 2.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 14 Preview

Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 14. The only football I watched last week was the Bills handing it to the Cowboys and I kept a close eye on the Patriots getting manhandled by a subpar Houston Texans team. That gives me some hope for this year. The Patriots have trouble with mobile quarterbacks and right now that’s pretty much all that the AFC has to offer. Either Houston, Baltimore, or KC if Mahomes is 100% will absolutely destroy the Pats in the playoffs this year. Happy birthday to me?

A few weeks ago, I decided to do away with the picks for this particular column. Instead, I’ve decided to do something slightly different with my previews. First it was what you should watch instead of each game, then in keeping with the sentiment, what each game made me thankful for. This week, inspired by a single such stat, I’m going to come up with a weird stat/fact for each game. So, without anymore fanfare, on with 2019 NFL Week 14.

Toilet Bowls

Miami at New York JetsFun Fact: Miami could have been the first team with a winless and undefeated regular season. They screwed that up by winning a couple of weeks ago and now it looks like they might actually be trying.

Cincinnati at ClevelandFun Fact: The rivers in Ohio and Pennsylvania used to be so polluted that they would catch on fire. I have no idea what about this game made me think about that particular fact.

Washington at Green BayFun Fact: Follow the link for the Wikipedia page for the top 50 wealthiest senators. Consider that at least 50% (and the list stops at 8.6 million or something) of senators are millionaires. Now, consider that they are supposed to be your representatives. Someone worth over 100 million dollars surely understands and legislates on behalf of the struggle to pay my water bill on time.

New York Giants at PhiladelphiaFun Fact: I just ran the ESPN Playoff simulator because I noticed that all of the teams in this division could finish 6-10. In that case, I was hoping that the Giants, at 2-10 could run the table and win the division. Unfortunately, Dallas would win. But a 6-10 division winner would go a long way to exposing this farce of a league, so let’s hope for the worst.

Tennessee at VegasFun Fact: I know that the Raiders don’t play in Vegas yet. But, they might as well. Would anyone in Oakland, Los Angeles, or London miss them if they moved today?

Indianapolis at Tampa BayFun Fact: Jameis Winston is quite possibly the best bad quarterback or the worst good quarterback in the league. Either way, the NFL is so desperate for QBs that he will most certainly make 100s of millions of dollars this offseason. Think about that the next time you cash a paycheck.

If they’re on, you’ll watch

Los Angeles Chargers at JacksonvilleFun Fact? Speaking of teams living where they don’t belong and aren’t wanted, the Chargers are the kid who was granted to the father. The father is having a midlife crisis. He moves in with a younger girlfriend. She doesn’t respect him. She just wants his money. But, he stays because he also thinks it impresses his friends. It doesn’t.

Denver at HoustonFun Fact: Denver is the Mile High City. Denver is in Colorado. Colorado was one of the first states to legalize weed. That’s the set up. You can fill in the punchline.

Detroit at MinnesotaFun Fact: Barry Sanders was a featured guest on the Detroit Thanksgiving Day game. Frank Gore recently passed him on the all time list. Never mind how surprised I am that Frank Gore is still playing. It took him 222 games to get there. Sanders did it in 153. Simply amazing.

Carolina at AtlantaFun Fact: I don’t even know who Carolina’s quarterback is at this point. Oh, okay. I just looked it up and now I understand the “Allen #2” reference on Simmons and Sal. I guess you do learn something new every day.

Now You’re Interested

Pittsburgh at ArizonaFun Fact: Once upon a time the Steelers and the Cardinals had to merge teams. I don’t remember the exact circumstances. However, as a sometimes Steelers fan, I wouldn’t mind doing so this year just to have Kyler Murray.

Seattle at Los Angeles RamsFun Fact: Once upon a time, I was talking to a friend and he said something about Seattle’s football team. I looked at him, in all earnestness, and said, “Seattle has a football team?” It isn’t that bad, but I’m much more invested in the Sounders than the Seahawks.

Kansas City at New EnglandFun Fact: Chris is a New England fan. You’d think that with my “Eff the Pats” routine, there might be some friction. However, he’s a genuine fan. Not a “you hate us if you ain’t us” guy. So, we get along. Also, he texted me, without prompting, “KC will destroy NE.” I didn’t agree 100%, but it would be nice to throw Pats nation into a panic with 2 losses in a row.

San Francisco at New Orleans: Fun Fact: Chris and I both have either San Fran or Seattle in the Super Bowl this year against Baltimore. I think we are both leaning harder to Seattle, but either team would be fun. Just as long as it isn’t the Pats. Eff the Pats.

Game of the Week

Baltimore at BuffaloFun Fact: This is the only fact that I actually came into this article with an idea of what to write. Hopefully it is was worth the wait. Buffalo, in second place, currently has a better record than half of the division leaders. That second place makes them a 5th seed in the AFC. Tell me more about how the NFL is America’s favorite because it’s a meritocracy.

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 14 isn’t too bad, actually. I’m all in on both the Bills/Ravens and SF/NO. It will be fun to see if KC really can effectively end the Pats season. Pittsburgh and Arizona will hopefully extend the farce that is the Steelers for this season. The rest of the games are the usual poop fest that the NFL has become.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).