Introduction
After my interview with The First Goomba and contact from The Blue Shell Brigade, I wanted something a little lighter. When my editors pitched a piece visiting some of the prominent residences in the Mushroom Kingdom, I jumped at the chance. We made several calls to the big players in the Kingdom. Only two returned our calls. Unfortunately, neither The Man himself nor his brother were among them. But, often, those who answer are the ones worth discussing. This is Mushroom Kingdom Cribs.
Peach’s people got back to us almost immediately. Bowser took three days, a follow-up interview, and a very loud screaming match with his assistant before that interview.The stipulation that led to the argument was that Bowser demanded that a local guide, a Green Toad be assigned to lead me around. After the interview, Bowser’s assistant assured me, “He’s the best. Nobody knows the castles better than Green Toad.” When asked, Peach’s people agreed.
Peach’s Castle
Green Toad met me in Center Square after a long, but comfortable carriage ride from the airport. We hoped to be able to relax in our hotel room but Toad insisted that we adhere to the schedule that he shoved into my hands before I even fully exited the carriage. “Yes. Yes. Your bags will be attended to at the inn.” He replied excitedly when I asked. “But, really, we must be going. They can’t be left waiting.” He pointed out some of the more prominent landmarks while we made our way to the castle. Miyamoto Motors, NintenDonuts, a place to get the best coffee at 8-bits, the Wii Sports Resort, where Mario learned to play tennis, and the birthplace of The First Goomba. He gave me a knowing look when we passed that one.
Two Lakitu guards stood sentry near guard houses at the gate to Peach’s castle. Green Toad explained that we would not be there for the changing of the guard during our visit, but I was welcome to come back later if I wanted.
I told him I’d consider it.
“Uh, Green Toad, here with the reporter for the tour.” Neither Lakitu guard moved but the gates slowly swung open. Green Toad’s ceaseless chatter stopped as we crossed the threshold into the garden. He became suddenly serious. “Okay, here are the rules. No wandering. No touching. And absolutely no mention of–well, you know. She’s very sensitive about that subject. And, she’s always watching.” His voice trails off. “Always watching. It’s normal. It’s, you know, princess stuff.”
He clears his throat. The manic energy returns and he rushes me past the garden fountain and into two circular gardens. One path leads three quarters of the way around a topiary Yoshi. The other was split into three separate gardens, one with rows of miniature piranha plants, another with a single muncher surrounded by 4 fire flowers, and the third looked to hold only an empty green pipe. Toad excitedly explained that led to the lair of a Chain Chomp in the castle’s dungeons. Almost as if on cue, the familiar bark of the creature echoed from the pipe. Green Toad jumped slightly and backed away from the pipe and into the fence of the piranha plants. They nipped at the air and he hurried back down the path. Turning back, I saw the faintest haunted look cross his face before he smiled. “Come. The castle awaits.”
Ground Floor
From the courtyard, we enter the castle into the courtyard corridor. It continues and also branches off on either side to lead to the lower East and West Wing corridors. Green Toad promises to take me on a full tour of the castle, but some rooms will be off limits. I nod. He leads me straight. We pass the theater room on our right and Whomp’s Fortress Gallery on the left. He continues past Cool Cool mountain gallery before stopping at the Bob-omb gallery. With a wry smile on his face, he opens the door. He continues to watch me, gauging my reaction. Clearly, I disappoint because the smile falls quickly into a scowl.
“I expected a different reaction. Don’t you recognize it?” I nod. “Yes, I remember it fondly.” He smiles again and starts speaking rapidly. “Have you heard the story about how Mario once spent three days in that painting?” I shake my head. “He, uh, he doesn’t like to talk about it.” I make a note to follow up on that if I ever get a meeting with Mario. Across from the gallery is Toadette’s workshop. She’s busy in the middle of a project. Welding sparks fly and reflect off of her mask. She stops, lifts the mask to inspect her work, and notices us. “Oh, hey Green Toad, come see what I’m working on.” Toad, flustered, stammers. “No, uh, no, we’re on a tour. Uh, we must be going.” “Okay.” She giggles. “I’ll see you later.” He mutters a good-bye and turns to the next door.
It reads “Toad Lounge”. He explains. “The princess made a deal with us Toads. She’d give us this lounge. No staff. No princess. Just Toads.” He opens the door. The stale smell of cigar smoke and loud chatter. “So, I says to her, I says–” one particularly loud voice says. The speaker, a Blue Toad with an eye patch, stops talking and looks at us. The rest of the Toads around the table look up from their card game to do the same. One red toad sports a nasty scar that runs across his mouth. Another wears a bandage wrapped around his head. The last, a yellow toad, has his arm in a sling and a cast around one leg.
“Hey, Green Toad.” Blue Toad says. “Hey, Patch.” “Princess said no staff.” Patch grumbles. I respond. “I’m not staff. I’m press.” Green Toad chuckles. “Tour. Sorry. I should have started with that.” Patch ignores him and they go back to the game. “Close the door on the way out.” As Green Toad closes the door, Patch finishes his statement, “–I says, if you want those piranha plants fed, do it your damn self.”
“One more stop,” Green Toad promises, and rushes off down the hall. It’s all I can do to keep up. We stop outside of a glass walled Aquarium. A variety of fish swim by. A trainer stands on a platform. When he sees us, he waves. Green Toad waves back. “The princess comes here to think.” An unseen device beeps. Toad says, “Come. See the throne room and the library.
First Floor (Throne Room) and Second Floor (Library)
We take a stairwell in one of the parapets to the next floor. He rushes past all of the doors, pointing them out quickly. Chapel, Toadette’s storage, more storage, still more storage, the princess’ drawing room, the salon, another guest room, the ballroom, and the Aquarium’s trainer’s room. We wind up in front of two large doors covered in gold leaf. “The throne room.” he says.The two doors shudder and then start to open. They look to be automatic until I see two Goombas chained to the doors pulling them open. Green Toad explains. “The princess, she–” He stops, considering his words. “–it’s an honor to serve the princess.” He smiles. The Goomba on the left stumbles and falls. The chain goes slack. The door stops. Green Toad looks around, uncomfortable. After a few seconds, the Goomba stands back up, the chain tightens, and the door opens. Green Toad sighs. “They don’t mind. Really. They’re used to it. It’s all they’ve known.”
Inside, the throne room stands as a testament to the princess. Both walls are lined with various portraits of Peach illustrating her as the hero of the story. No sign of Mario or Luigi. Not even a single picture with Yoshi. Just Peach. Green Toad notices me looking. “The princess, she’s done great things.” He hurriedly explains. We all appreciate her benevolence.” We stop at the bottom step of the dais. Above sits only one throne, upholstered in pink velvet and bearing Peach’s seal. “She’s not here.” Green Toad says. I can’t tell if he’s relieved or disappointed. His device beeps again. “Oh my. We must be going. You can see the library next time.”
The Exit and the Hotel
We leave the throne room. The Goombas ceaselessly pull the door closed behind us. Toad rushes me down the central staircase. “No time to dawdle,” he says. He leaves me at the gate with the Lakitu guards. “Thank you for coming.” He says abruptly and then runs back towards the castle. I look at either guard, trying to see any betrayal of emotion. Neither shows me anything. I take one look back at the castle. On the roof, in the center, I finally see her. Watching.
I walk back to the hotel, considering how I will frame this issue of Mushroom Kingdom Cribs. Back at the hotel, I look through my notes and then write and file the story. My editor loves the expose, but I can’t help but wonder what reaction the story will bring from the princess herself.