Finding the Blue Shell Brigade, Part 2

Introduction

Last time, I covered the manifesto that showed up on Reddit, received about a dozen upvotes, one or two shares, and a cross post to /r/invincible. That last part was no doubt a mistake. In any case, both the original post and the cross post were removed by mods within hours. Many in the community thought it was a joke. I agreed. At the very least, an elaborate troll. Then, things started to fall into place. You know how when you buy a new car, you start to see them everywhere? It was like that. A comment here, a username there, someone with a blue turtle shell as a PFP. All of this brought me to a weird place. I didn’t know if the Blue Shell Brigade was true. But, I started to think that someone really wanted me to think that they were. That’s how I set out about finding the Blue Shell Brigade.

The Dead Ends

I cataloged these clues in a LIbreOffice spreadsheet. Before long, it started to resemble the Charlie Day conspiracy theory meme.

My first serious attempt to make connections involved following a posted and tagged Tik Tok that disappeared after I watched it. Luckily, I wrote down the message. It appeared to be a set of coordinates in 1337 speak with a date and time. I showed up for the meeting, in the parking lot of an abandoned Chuck E Cheese and waited. Waited. And waited. When it became obvious that someone was either testing me or trolling me, I left. Internet 1, Me 0.

The second attempt came in the form of a random Discord user with the username BStheR, which they unnecessarily explained meant Blue Shell the RIch in their first message. I should have known something was wrong right then and there. But, they seemed so earnest at first. In that first message, they also talked about being led to an empty parking lot, this one in front of an empty Best Buy in a strip mall. They waited almost three hours, kept there by what appeared to be messages being sent via flashlight. We talked for about a week. I suggested a meet up. They went silent. Internet 2, Me 0..

I nearly lost all hope after the third attempt. Three degrees deep in one particular thread, I found a link to a YouTube video that promised to explain everything. RIghtfully skeptical, I clicked the link. At this point, they weren’t even trying. I logged off for a bit. Internet 3, Me 0.

First Contact

Several messages came through in that time. Those in the first week went right into my read pile. Gradually, they became more urgent and potentially legitimate. I started organizing them in the spreadsheet again. Loose connections led to clear and obvious clues. This time was different. Late one night, exhausted after a long week of work, I entered one more message. Ready to close the program, I paused. Flipped through the pages in the spreadsheet, mouthed the word, “Holy…” My phone dinged. No return number. A simple message. “You’ve finished in last place for the last time. We can help.” Unable to respond, I waited. Several minutes later, another message. “We’ve been watching. Meet us at the abandoned tunnel. Rainbow Road. Midnight. Tomorrow.”

The Journey to Rainbow Road

Nothing can prepare you for a trip to Rainbow Road at night. No music plays. The pale white light of resting Lumas cast the rainbow in an otherworldly pall of various shades of gray. The item blocks hang suspended in the air and blank. No amount of force will release their bonus items. I know that for a fact because I saw several Goombas make a tower and hammer away at one, desperate for the validating ding of a coin being added to their inventory. I quickly shuffled past them, following the directions to this supposed abandoned tunnel. As I walked, I wondered, what if this is just another hoax. Admittedly, a much more elaborate one than the previous three, but the thought crossed my mind. Have you ever seen this tunnel? But, it exists. Tucked behind one of the elevated track sections just before the last turn. I feel comfortable telling you that because I’m sure it changes every time. I waited, as instructed, until two people exited the tunnel. They wore pain blue racing uniforms and fat baby cheek masks. Neither spoke. They only motioned for me to follow.

The Hidden Space

I stepped into the tunnel. The racer on the right handed me a blindfold. I wrapped it around my eyes as they led me into an old abandoned race car. It looked vaguely like the one driven by King Candy in Wreck It Ralph. “Wait, I thought, this makes no sense.” Before I could have another thought, the car zoomed off, twisting and turning its way through the tunnel. I even felt the car turn upside down once or twice on the journey. It stopped just as abruptly as it started, throwing me forward in my seat. “Remove your blindfold”, a mechanical voice demanded. I did. A door with only a blue shell adorning it opened as I exited the car. A blinding light obscured any details in the room. Another voice, this one decidedly human, said, “You’ve been asking questions. We want to give you answers. Enter.” I walked into the room. It took several minutes for my vision to adjust to the light. I saw ten figures, all dressed in the same racing uniform and baby face masks. In the center of the room was a Gamecube connected to an old CRT television. “We need to know if you are ready.” “Ready for what?” “To believe.”

The Test

“Sit.” As soon as I do, the familiar jingle and cubist G showed up on the screen. They hand me a controller. The game starts, a race already in progress, shows on the screen. “The item box is coming. You know what to do.” My hands shaking, I race through the box. The blue shell appears in my inventory. I know what must be done. I press the button. The blue shell launches. I watch the shell arc through the air, a bead on the leader. “Good.” the ten all say. “It is time.”

Next Time: Inside the Blue Shell Brigade

Finding the Blue Shell Brigade proved more difficult than I anticipated. But, they proved to be much more welcoming once I did. My editors are still in talks with the Brigade to determine what we can and can’t share with you. Once the particulars are worked out, I will release the final part of this expose. Until then, know that the Brigade fights for you.