All posts by Noob of All Trades

Shawn Lucas is the self identified "Noob of All Trades". He is married and the father of three boys, two of whom help with their own podcast every couple of months. Raised on Atari, Nintendo, and Sega, he enjoys all games and will play all of them to the best of his ability, which is often average at best. Currently, he is most interested in Magic, Heroclix, and other games that he can play with Chris and his sons.
Digital Playground

The Legend Grows

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(Editor’s Note: Join us in our second installment of Mario Monday!)

Last week on Mario Monday, we explored his evolution from supporting Jumpman to main character of his own line of successful games. This week, we continue with an analysis of some of the games from other genres that star everyone’s favorite plumber.

Oh, jeeze. Oh, Luigi, I didn't know you were there. Oh, Man, this is getting awkward.
Oh, jeeze. Oh, Luigi, I didn’t know you were there. Oh, Man, this is getting awkward.

maybe we will talk about how innovative, inventive, or inspirational the games were. Perhaps we will discuss how the games either created or changed their respective genres. We can explore some of the other games that owe their existence or success to Mario offshoots. Because, honestly, this real reason we’re doing all of this is to play more games.

Dr. Mario
Dr. Mario

My first experience with Mario outside of his strange platforming universe was Dr. Mario. I bought (or got it for Christmas) a Game Boy to play the more traditional Super Mario Land. not a bad version of the game, but the limitations of the system are painfully evident. The Game Boy came bundled with Tetris. Thankfully, that is one tradition that has come back into favor. Who the hell wants to buy a game system just to stare at it? Give me some games, you cheap asses. But, as usual, I digress.

Innovative, inspirational, inventive? At the time, and only having really played Tetris in comparison, I don’t know that I’d call Dr. Mario any of these things. It follows in the footsteps of Tetris by dropping puzzle pieces from the top of the screen and it still revolves around groups of four to take things off the board.

Genre changing or creating? Seeing as how I compared the game to an earlier game in the genre (Tetris, still the most well known and arguably the best puzzle game ever), Dr. Mario did not create a genre. I don’t even think it can be argued that it changed the genre all that much. They changed the game a bit by making the pieces pills and involved clearing certain elements from the board, but as we saw earlier, even that owes it’s existence mainly to Tetris.

The Verdict: A fun, if not necessarily new game in the genre that offered me and my friend Kevin endless entertainment when in high school. If you are looking for more genre defining games, check out any number of the mobile match three games available.

 

Mario Party
Mario Party

I don’t remember if Christine got me a Nintendo 64 for my birthday or if it was just the last time I remember her being interested in video games. Lately, she seems to have infected with the “MOM” virus when it comes to video games and thinks that they just serve the purpose to rot people’s brains. Either way, I picked up Mario Party because it was one of the multiplayer games that interested me and we played it a few times but ultimately decided that it would be more fun with even more people. Being only mildly interested in interacting with society, we didn’t have those people in our lives, so Mario Party hasn’t been a big part of our lives. Maybe now that we have kids, we can help to cure her of “MOM”.

Innovative, Inspirational, Inventive? As much as Mario followed in the footsteps of Tetris to become a doctor, the same cannot be said in any way for Mario Party. The concept of trying to market board games to a younger audience is not new. However, Mario Party put a new spin on this old genre by almost folding the elements that make Mario unique into a board game to create a weird amalgam that works in spite of the fact that it probably shouldn’t.

Genre changing or creating? I wouldn’t say that it changed the board game as video game genre, since most of them still basically just take the board game and try to recreate it as a video game. Sure, they add new animations and sounds, but that was most likely inevitable. I will say that this game and the more narrowly focused Wario Ware are almost a genre to themselves.

The Verdict: If you have a bunch of people over and want something other than Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, toss in Mario Party whatever number they’re up to and, not to put too fine a point on it, have a party.

Mario RPG
Mario RPG

I don’t think that I ever played that version of Super Mario RPG. I remember it being released and thinking that it was a cool idea at the time. For some reason, though, that never actually translated to playing the game. I think at the time, I was more interested in the Sega Genesis because it offered Mortal Kombat with blood. Ah, to be young and dumb again.

Innovative, Inspirational, Inventive? Having not played the original, I can’t speak as to how different that one was from traditional games in the genre. I have played the GBA version of the game, which I guess isn’t quite the same game, but uses elements from the RPG game and Paper Mario (thanks again, Wikipedia!). In that regard, the game succeeded much like Mario Party. It blended elements from traditional Mario into a different genre of game.

Genre changing or creating? Given such a diverse collection of games in the genre, it is difficult to change the genre as a whole. With that being said, Super Mario RPG and its official and unofficial sequels are different from most of the games that came before. They still have the traditional level system and powers as those games, but the addition of Mario mechanics, at least in the version that I played, add to the game and make it more fun to play in some ways that traditional RPGs.

The Verdict: the Super Mario RPG version of the games offer a new enough experience that they definitely have a place alongside some of the greats like Final Fantasy. I’m not saying the games are as the Final Fantasy games. If you want an introduction to RPGs and love Mario, definitely play these games.

Mario vs. Donkey Kong
Mario vs. Donkey Kong

I think that I’ve mentioned before that the Game Boy Advance is still my favorite mobile platform, even with all of the amazing games available on tablet and phone. What can I say? I think I’ve also said that I’m a “things were better in the old days, get off my lawn” old guy when it comes almost anything, but especially gaming.

Innovative, Inspirational, Inventive? Definitely innovative and inventive, possibly inspirational? The main game has similar game play to the original Donkey Kong, but they tweaked it and added a puzzle element to the game. By itself, that would be enough. They also added new enemies and traps to the game to make it feel like an entirely new game. I don’t know if I can say inspirational because I don’t know of another game like it.

Genre creating or changing? I’m not even sure what genre to classify this game. I suppose it is a puzzle game and that’s what I called it up there, but it also has elements of platformers, too. So, I guess it created the platforming/puzzle cross genre, but it might be the only game in that genre. We oldbies remember Lemmings. Also, is Braid similar? I’ve never played that one. Oh, Toki Tori, too, but I might be the only one that played that game. So, maybe it did create a genre after all.

The verdict: Of the offshoot games (other than the best for last next game to be discussed), this one is the most fun and entertaining as a single player experience. Sure, Mario Party offers a better multiplayer mode, but if you’re only in the mood for a party of one, then this is your game.

Mario Kart
Mario Kart

True story confession time: I might be a filthy casual when it comes to gaming, but I do have my moments of hardcore (or at least semi-hardcore) every now and then. I rented Mario Kart Wii. It might have been from Gamefly, but I think it was actually a legitimate game rental store because we got at least one of the steering wheels. I was playing the game against Liam and I put some oil on the stove to heat up. You may know where this story is going. Well, the oil reached the flash point, caught on fire, and started melting the microwave. We freaked out, called the fire department, and lived with my in laws for 2 weeks while they cleaned our house of the mess.

Innovative, Inspirational, Inventive? Well, it’s not really any of these things necessarily. At the same time, it is all of these things. Does any of that make sense? Of course not, but neither does almost burning down the house while playing the game. The game is a back view racing game similar to Pole Position, but it does add the elements of multiplayer, power ups, and the ability to mess with your friends. All of those things add enough to the game to make it a unique game.

Genre creating or changing? Mario Kart did not create the racing game obviously. It did change the genre in a significant way. It gave rise to the “Kart” subgenre of racing game. Terrible game after terrible game came after Mario Kart with a variety of characters and settings that never lived up to the promise of this one.

The verdict: Mario Kart stands alone (more or less, there are some clones that are actually decent) as the defining and best Kart style game series. After all, no other game ever caused me to burn down the house. Though, I did ignore a “emergencies” to finish defeating a WoW boss once or twice.

On the Tabletop

Out of the Shadows

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(Editor’s Note: Haven’t we done this dance before?)

In addition to my absence from the web page ( for which I have no excuse), I have also been absent from Magic. Chris and I have not gotten together for a couple of months because it is hard being a grown up with kid hobbies. He has other magic contacts that have more or less kept him in the game, but I haven’t made those contacts. Again, it’s rough out there for a grown up kid. Especially one that is a bit antisocial. However, even with his involvement with the game, he still felt the same way about going back to the Eldrazi as I do. We were both completely underwhelmed by both sets in the block. I skipped the second set completely and didn’t even buy a token fat pack.

Signs that things might be different with the latest set showed up early in the spoiler season. We both expressed that, even though it seemed strange to have another repeat visit to a plane, we were both excited to go to Innistrad. I’ve always loved vampire and werewolf lore (except for the more recent strain of Twilight garbage), really enjoy the concept of flip cards, and couldn’t wait to see what new cards and mechanics would be introduced with the set.

I shared a few of the early spoilers with Chris. We discussed others, including the planeswalkers. We joked that everyone whines that the new Jace is crap until some blue mage figures out a way to abuse it. Honestly, though, I’d be hard pressed to tell you anything about this set other than there’s a new Avacyn, a new Jace, and a potentially neat flipwalker. As I said to Chris last night when he joked that I wouldn’t even open the product that I ordered, “I’m just so out of the game right now.”

It scries, it draws, it bounces creatures. It does what Jace does. Is it a bit expensive? Sure, but that's exactly what they said about JTMS when it released.
It scries, it draws, it bounces creatures. It does what Jace does. Is it a bit expensive? Sure, but that’s exactly what they said about JTMS when it released.

Those of you who are regulars to the page (shout out to the two of you who stick through our random disappearances!) know that this is not a new sentiment. I obviously go through phases in the game where I love it and others when I’m moderately disinterested. This time is different, though. Usually when I take one of my breaks from the game, I’m still engaged through conversation or watching Twitch streams. The conversation has been only the minimal ones mentioned earlier and I haven’t watched any Magic streams except for Vintage over the last few months. As I said, completely out of the game.

Cue the (probable mis)quote from a famous movie, “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.” Later today, I’m going to hang out with Chris and another friend that we played against a few times a couple of years ago. Armed with nothing but a couple of Tiny Leaders decks and a proxied Vintage deck with no purpose other than to fulfill my fantasies of being a Vintage guy, I’m going to wade into Chris’ new Magic frontier with tournaments and actual meta strategy. Wish me luck.

Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Africa anymore. I know I nailed that one.
Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Africa anymore. I know I nailed that one.

I may revisit this adventure in a later article. For now, I’m boarding a plane (train? time machine? How do you get there?) to Innistrad to see what the set offers filthy casuals like me. I’ve been thinking about buying into the game again. Should I? Let’s explore together, shall we?

Angels and werewolves and vampires (Oh my!) Do you love tribal decks? I know that I do. If you have read, or search for, my deck lists, you will see that my decks are almost always constructed around a theme. More often than not, I also try to choose a tribe. I’ve done goblins and elves (who hasn’t?), zombies, merfolk (not the good kind), minotaur, and the aforementioned angles, werewolves, and vampires (Oh my!) Hell, I think I even got the crazy idea once to build a Homonculus deck. It didn’t go anywhere.

Heck, what can possibly go wrong?
Heck, what can possibly go wrong?

Flip Cards (that aren’t Delver). Chris has expressed disinterest (and even outright disdain) for the idea of flip cards. Nevertheless, the cards persevere in spite of his irrational hatred and prejudice against them. One has even risen above it all to become a Modern and Legacy staple. But anyone can win with Delver. Can anyone build a deck around Arlinn Kord? Yea, probably, but it won’t be one of my signature terrible decks.

I mean, just look at her, won't you? She's beautiful.
I mean, just look at her, won’t you? She’s beautiful.

Graveyard shenanigans. Both the delirium and madness mechanics allow you to interact with the graveyard–as far as I know–in new and different ways. One of my first decks was an annoying zombie mill deck. Additionally, I have been eyeing a dredge deck online to dip my toes into Vintage without having to take out a second mortgage. So, graveyard shenanigans are right in my wheelhouse. Can’t wait to build my delirium or madness (why not both) deck.

Well, the trip to visit Chris last night was successful. I won both games that I played. When combined with my newly discovered excitement about the new set, I’m right back in. really, though, did you expect any other outcome? Once Magic sticks its hooks into you, you can never truly be free.

I love you, too, Magic the Gathering.
I love you, too, Magic the Gathering.
Digital Playground

Humble Beginnings

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(Editor’s Note: As part of our relaunch and month long celebration of all things Mario, on Mario Mondays we will be taking a trip through the history of everyone’s favorite plumber.)

Sorry, green guy.
Sorry, green guy.

Every week, we are going to explore a different era as defined by us, of the Mario Games. Maybe we will compare them to their contemporaries of the time. Perhaps we will try to dissect the magical formula that allows such a simple formula to endure for over thirty years. Mostly, we will just use it as an excuse to play all of these great games in a misguided attempt to recapture our youth. If recent cinematic history has taught us anything, it is that we fall hard for sentimentality and nostalgia here at 2 Guys Gaming.

This week, we start in the most logical place, the beginning. That may seem obvious, but when I write, I often don’t begin at the beginning. It’s more fun to drop your reader into the middle and make them travel back to the beginning. Nevertheless, when assembling a chronology, it is probably best to start at the beginning.

Perhaps we went back a bit too far.
Perhaps we went back a bit too far.

Mario started his journey as Jumpman in Donkey Kong, so that’s where we begin our journey, too. Before we do, though, I find it interesting that many of those early video games were –man games; Jumpman, Mega Man, Puckman. You probably remember that last one by a different name because they feared immature kids and teenagers might alter the title to something offensive. Having been an immature teenager, I understand the concern because it is something that I might have considered in my dumb youth. I’ve never defaced property, but I did chuckle when they had to change the name of the Public Dock in my old hometown because people kept stealing the “L”. I certainly would have referred to the game by the offensive name in conversation. I might have even though they changed it to avoid that calamity. How about that? A Mario history lesson and a Pac Man etymology in one article. We are learning you good.

Donkey Kong (1981)
Donkey Kong (1981)

How did it compare? Donkey Kong released during what many consider to be the first Golden Age of video games. The aforementioned Pac Man, Q Bert, Galaga, Dragon’s Lair, Tetris, Xevious, 1942, Zaxxon, Dig Dug, Pole Position, Burger Time, Joust, and many more I’m probably forgetting in spite of some very helpful Wikipedia pages. If faced with an arcade full of those classics, I doubt that Donkey Kong would be where I chose to spend my quarters. In fact, I know that it wouldn’t, because when faced with those games in collections, I choose other games over Donkey Kong. Verdict: It’s a fun game, but not even in my personal top 10 when complared with other games of the time.

Does it endure? In spite of my feelings about the game, it does still hold a place in the history of Mario and video games. During one of the peaks of popularity, Donkey Kong more than held its own as a favored game. Yes, that does endure to this day. How? Well, it has been shown time and again that if there are at least two people interested in an activity, they will turn that activity into a competition. While I have always thought that competitive gaming is a bit silly, DK owes much of its popularity and success to several people trying to beat each other’s high scores. Verdict: Because of Fistful of Quarters, the legacy of Donkey Kong is still very much alive.

Really, that whole previous paragraph was just an excuse to show this sweet picture of Billy Mitchell again.
Really, that whole previous paragraph was just an excuse to show this sweet picture of Billy Mitchell again.

Nostalgia factor: Since I wasn’t a huge fan of Donkey Kong as a kid, the game does not conjure warm and fuzzy memories for me. Still, I think that we’ve show that it has a place in the Mario Pantheon and probably offers some gamers a time machine to rekindle the gaming glory of their youth. Verdict: I suspect that a take it or leave it poll might be split right down the middle.

Mario Bros (1983)
Mario Bros (1983)

How does it compare? Released in the same stacked era as Donkey Kong, Mario Bros matches far more favorably against the competition. It doesn’t make sense as the overall game play is essentially the same. You run and jump, but instead of avoiding barrels, you flip and knock off enemies. Why the heck am I telling you this? We’ve all played these games. If you haven’t, find a friend and play some Mario Bros. I’ll wait. That–that illustrates the primary advantage that Mario Bros. has over Donkey Kong. The coop two player mode meant that you and a buddy can just hop onto the machine and wreck bugs together until you run out of quarters. And that’s really all you can ask for a game. Verdict: Two player mode makes this game much more fun, but still really boring as single player.

Does it endure? This game may not have been the topic of a movie documenting the quest for the high score, but id did spawn several cartoons and a terrible live action movie adaptation. When offered as a mini game, I will always gladly take the opportunity to relive my introduction to Mario Mario. Verdict: This game still lives on my computer and sees more frequent play than Donkey Kong.

Nostalgia Factor: This is the first game to identify the character as Mario, so that has to be worth some points. Unlike Donkey Kong, I have actual fond memories of Mario Bros. I played the game in the arcade and at home with friends. I’d venture a similar guess that many others share my opinion of this game as when they fell in love with the moustache. Verdict: If this one doesn’t take you back, you need to go back to video game history class. And, do the homework this time.

Trust me, this is homework you won't mind doing.
Trust me, this is homework you won’t mind doing.
Super Mario Bros. (1985)
Super Mario Bros. (1985)

How does it compare? Super Mario Bros is quite possibly the best game of its time. I can say this with confidence because it still finds a place in top 25 and top 10 lists to this day. Some of that is obviously nostalgia (but this isn’t the nostalgia section, so more on that later) but mostly it is just because it is a great damn game. It was revolutionary. It helped to advance the idea of games with finite length that could be finished. It was innovative. Even as a completely linear adventure, it encourage exploration by scattering secrets throughout. It was challenging. Everyone wasted a quarter their first time playing by running directly into that first Goomba. Above all, it was fun. Verdict: This is one of the best games of all time, not just the era it was released.

 

A game where you do the same thing over and over and it is still fun? Modern games could take a hint from Mario.
A game where you do the same thing over and over and it is still fun? Modern games could take a hint from Mario.

Does it endure? In a word, yes. Any time I download the questionably legal (Most likely very illegal, but I calm my conscience by adding the questionably. Hey, it’s all about casting that shadow of doubt.) MAME, I always test it with Super Mario Bros. first. I always die at that first Goomba, too. I used the game to test streaming possibilities and it is one of Liam’s favorite games. Verdict: Can I envision a day when it falls out of favor for more modern games? Sure, but Super Mario Bros. is here to stay and will continue to delight gamers for generations.

Nostalgia Factor: This is the game that started it all for so many of us. By us, of course, I mean me and I’m projecting from that very small sample size. Hey, I’m might be a mathematician, but I’ve always struggled with Stats. My parents bough us an NES for Christmas one year and I was so happy that I could finally die to that stupid Goomba in the privacy of my own home. Really, though, this game and others bring me back to the arcades with friends. Throwing away our birthday money one quarter at a time in between rounds of mini golf or waiting for our movie to start. Verdict: My generation misses the arcade era so much that we’ve invented barcades to take us back. Games like Super Mario Bros. are the reason why.

Super Mario Bros. 3 (1988)
Super Mario Bros. 3 (1988)

How does it compare? What happens when you take one of the best games of all time and improve it in all possible aspects? I know that I am prone to exaggeration and hyperbole, but think about it. It has better graphics, bigger levels, more innovative power ups, and trickier secrets. Verdict: It is the reason that I owned an SNES adn the best game of its time.

What other game lets you jump in a boot to hop on enemies?
What other game lets you jump in a boot to hop on enemies?

Does it endure? The legacy of Super Mario Bros. 3 lives on every time I purchase a new Nintendo system to play the latest and greatest (Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. In my estimation, the greatest game in the series has yet to be eclipsed and, for once, I will adhere to no spoilers.) in the series. And, yes, I have bought them all. Heck, I didn’t have to go through that whole previous paragraph to answer the question. Verdict: Not only have I bought all of the new Mario games, I’ve bought Super Mario All Stars 3 times on three different systems simply to be able to play this game.

Nostalgia Factor: Just as the original Super Mario Bros. brings me back to the arcades of my youth, this game reminds me of great times with my brothers playing on the SNES that I bought with money from my job at Toys R Us. Now I get to share those types of memories with my kids. Verdict: Nintendo continues to improve and impress.

Super Mario World (1990)
Super Mario World (1990)

How does it compare? I don’t want to say that the games took a step back when this game released. That wouldn’t be entirely accurate. It wasn’t exponentially better as SMB and SMB3 were over their predecessors. It wasn’t worse, either. It just didn’t add enough over SMB3 to make it a universally better game. Verdict: This gamerepresents more of a lateral move but is still one of the best games on the system.

Does it endure? Not as much as either of the two previously discussed games. I will play Super Mario World every so often, but I haven’t bought it multiple times as I have SMB3 and it isn’t a got to game as the original SMB. Additionally, Liam played it for a few weeks on the Wii, but it hasn’t grabbed his attention like some other Mario games.Verdict: It might be unfair to compare to the other two games, but this one definitely doesn’t stack up, even years later.

Nostalgia Factor: I don’t have any special connection to this game. No time spent in arcades. No memorable games with my brothers. Not even the new style of nostalgia of playing the game with my boys. It just doesn’t have the aalure of the earlier games because it didn’t make that quantum leap and was just good enough, in terms of Mario games, to ultimately be forgettable. Verdict: Sorry Super Mario World, you just don’t fire up the Way Back Machine in any meaningful way.

Well, there it is. Our triumphant return with the first installment of Mario Monday. Be sure to come back next week when I discuss five of the off shoot Mario games; Dr., Party, Kart, RPT, and vs. DK. I’ve spent the better part of the past few weeks putting together a schedule and a plan to stay on that schedule. We’re back, and I hope it is for goot this time. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy all the new content. To steal a quote from Hearthstone, “It’s good ta see ya again!”

Digital Playground

We Built This City (on Minecraft)

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(Editor’s Note #1: Rock and roll is just a terrible foundation upon which to build a city.)

(Editor’s Note #2: Minecraft? You mean that Lego rip off game? I don’t understand the appeal.)

My thoughts on Minecraft mirrored those in the second editor’s note. Admittedly, they came from ignorance, but that’s how I felt. I couldn’t understand why anyone, let alone tens (or even hundreds) of millions of people, could play the game for hours on end. Heck, I even watched my kids play and joined in on a few games in my attempt to understand. Hey, not every game is for every gamer. Maybe it’s just a kid thing. Still, it nagged at me. There has to be something.

Turns out that, as with most things that are hugely popular, there are many somethings. As cheesy as it might sound, Minecraft is what you make it. (That’s not really a pun, but it was fully intended to invoke the crafting element of the game.) So, what caused this change of heart? As with most wars of ignorance, knowledge won the battle.

Though, to be fair, red or blue lasers would be nice to have in a battle, too.
Though, to be fair, red or blue lasers would be nice to have in a battle, too.

A couple of weeks ago my youngest asked me to play Minecraft again. Irritated, as I often am, with the mind numbing gameplay of Hearthstone, I figured “why not” and joined him in a game It was during this session that I finally learned that there are multiple modes in the game and that we had mostly played “Creative”, which is exactly how it sounds. There is no danger of dying and no objective in the game other than to build.

There’s nothing wrong with that and many people have built amazing things in creative mode. I guess that I am just more of a survival Minecrafter because once I learned about that mode, I was hooked. In survival, you have to mine for your resources, you can die, and actually offers a challenge other beyond recreating your favorite skyline or college football stadium.

Neither my favorite stadium, nor my own work. Grudgingly paying respect to the best college football program in recent history, I suppose.
Neither my favorite stadium, nor my own work. Grudgingly paying respect to the best college football program in recent history, I suppose.

My middle, youngest, and I have since created a survival world that has given us hours of entertainment. We planned our first house by building a moat in the desert to keep out monsters. We laughed when Quinn refused to leave the house and spent his first MInecraft week mostly sleeping. I explored to find a mountain range full of resources for our second, and now main, house. We cheered at mining our first diamonds in that mountain range. We found obsidian, used that to create a nether portal, and now make regular trips into that horrifying plane for supplies. We even researched “The End” and battling the Ender Dragon, but we need more time to plan and collect resources to make that a successful adventure.

Like I said earlier, the discover and subsequent adventuring through Survival mode has me hooked. I bought the game on my tablet (hey, it was only 7 bucks) and recently bought it for the PC, too. We now own the same game for XBox 360, mobile, and PC. There is precedent for me buying the same game more than once, but there usually has to be a special reason. Like it is my favorite game of all time or there was a steam bundle that includes the game.

Those are totally the reasons that I bought Portal 2 more than once. It has nothing to do with GladOS and her plan, with the help of Skynet, to destroy humanity. No, GladOS didn't tell me to say that last part. *nervous look off camera*
Those are totally the reasons that I bought Portal 2 more than once. It has nothing to do with GladOS and her plan, with the help of Skynet, to destroy humanity. No, GladOS didn’t tell me to say that last part. *nervous look off camera*

i don’t think Minecraft is available on Steam. If it is, don’t tell me, because I might just buy it again. That’s only partly a joke. So, what about this game has made me buy it three times? It is a good-great, even-game that offers hours of entertainment.It’s not my favorite game yet. That still goes to Portal 2. Well, why, then? Just tell us, Man!

Well, if you’re going to be impatient about it, I guess I have no choice. The squeaky wheel always gets the grease. Why are metaphors always so gross? Skinning cats, beating dead horses, greasing wheels. Okay, last diversion.

As if that previous statement could possibly be true.
As if that previous statement could possibly be true.

Okay, now for the reasons as to why I bought each version of the game and what they offer so you don’t have to buy them all. You can, of course, and even knowing what I know, I would to support a great company and game. If you are more frugal or con’t care about the fine people at Mojang feeding their families (you monster!), then keep reading.

I bought the XBOX 360 version as the second half of a Groupon (or some other such email marketing gimmick) deal a couple of years ago. Having heard of the game, but not respecting it, I got the game because “The boys will have fun with it.” For the record, Forza something or another was the other game and I have not played more than an hour on that game, played far more Minecraft, and maybe have even played more Minecraft than the kids.

The XBox 360 (and other console versions, I assume) offers a good introduction to the crafting system. Granted, there are FAQs and video guides galore these days to discover the recipes for any item in the Minecrft world, but if you’re more of a traditionalist, the PC version can be a tough nut to craft. Hey, terrible puns and non sequitirs. You get both in spades here at 2 Guys Gaming. If you’re a strict traditionalist, I believe that you can set the options to the classic crafting system and besides, that, there are still plenty of secrets to find in the game even if you play with the assistive crafting system. Besides, there are still plenty of secrets to find in the game even if you play with EZ mode crafting on. One final word of warning before continuing. The console versions lag slightly behind in terms of updates to the game, so you’re not necessarily playing the latest version if you’re only playing on console.

Look at Steve. He looks so happy to be going on an adventure. Little does he know that, soon enough, he will be dropped off of cliffs, blown up by creepers, eaten by zombies, doused in lava, and much, much worse. Let's not tell him. The surprise is half the fun.
Look at Steve. He looks so happy to be going on an adventure. Little does he know that, soon enough, he will be dropped off of cliffs, blown up by creepers, eaten by zombies, doused in lava, and much, much worse. Let’s not tell him. The surprise is half the fun.

I bought the mobile version next. It was the cheapest version and I wanted to see if was faithful to the big boy versions. SPOILER ALERT: At first glance, it is the same game. You mine blocks, you place blocks. You craft things. You kill zombies, skeletons, and creepers. It’s the same game. Well, not quite. On closer examination, there are things missing. It’s not a huge deal, but the mobile game is not the complete game. Even so, the mobile version also uses an easier crafting system and fairly intuitive controls. If you don’t want to pay full price for the game or want to get an overview before buying the full game, mobile Minecraft is a good place to get your feet wet.

If you’re like me, and Minecraft speaks to you on a deeply personal level, then you want the PC version. It is the most expensive, but allows you to install on an unlimited number of computers. That alone makes it worth the price if you have a bunch of Minecraft fans in the house like we do. There is another reason to invest in the PC version (the best reason, IMO) that I will discuss briefly, but I want to talk about the major drawback first. Unlike the XBox version, or even the mobile version, which both allow multiplayer at an affordable price, you need to spend $27 for each account to play multiplayer on the PC. That restriction even applies to LAN games, as we discovered this past weekend. That was a huge bummer.

Oh well, we still have split screen on the XBox 360 and cross platform support on mobile. What neither of those allow, and this leads into the best reason (in my opinion–and really, this is my article, so what else but my opinion) to own the PC version of the game. As far as I know, the PC is the only version to allow you to play mods that alter the way the game acts and, in some cases, alters the game in almost unrecognizable ways. So far, we have tried Pixelmon and Thaumcraft and have enjoyed them both. I have to say that I’m completely addicted to the study/minigame aspect of Thaumcraft as that one introduces a kind of wizardry to the game. Aiden has played much more of Pixelmon, which is to be expected, but I’ve had some fun with that one, too. That’s how we learned that you need separate accounts to play multiplayer on the PC. I wanted to join in on Aiden’s Pixelmon world, but coudn’t. I’m not willing (yet?) to pay for the multiple accounts. Hopefully, they offer a family account in the not too distant future.

What introduced me to mods and got me hooked to the game was I really wanted to find a mod that allows for Obsidian armor and found one that supposedly introduces technology to the game, but I haven’t gotten that one to run. I am always on the lookout for different mods, though, so if you know of any, send an email or leave it in the comments.

portalcraft
Portal in Minecraft? That might just be the way to get me to spend absurd amounts of money on this game.

Regulars at the page know that I’m perpetually behind the times in all things pop culture. I have no excuse for being this late to the Minecraft party other than ignorance. Nevertheless, if you have missed the boat for as long as I have (or, more likely, if you have children who are just now growing into the age of Minecraft) then I hope that this article serves as a good introduction into the pros and cons of each version so that you can make a more informed decision. Finally, if you do buy the game, give it a try. I can almost guarantee that you will find it entertaining.

On the Tabletop

Happy Little Elves

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(Editor’sNote: There are no mistakes. Just happy little accidents. Except that paint that I got on the base of the model. That’s a mistake.)

Over the last few years, mainly because of the web page and podcast, I have become interested in new games and even new types of games. Before starting the page, Chris and I mostly just played Magic the Gathering for our tabletop entertainment. Since then, though, we’ve branched out into Dicemasters and Heroclix as diversions. Heroclix, in particular, will be the focus of the next two articles.

Heroclix, as we’ve discussed, is a more cost efficient introduction into miniature games. I will talk more about it in my next article, either tomorrow or Wednesday. Today, I mention Heroclix because it has brought my interest in miniature games back to the front. I haven’t actually taken the leap into any of the games, but I did sign up for a learning how to paint miniatures class so that when I do finally take the plunge, I will have a quality army to present at games.

(Note: Image Missing. I looked for a picture of the unpainted model, but I can’t seem to find one. I found some terrible paint jobs. I’m not saying that I’m a professional by any stretch, but these ones looked bad. The best that I can do is my primed model from the first class shown below.)

model
Not the best picture because my tablet has seen better days, but you get the idea.

As mentioned above, the first day was all about getting used to the process. We chose a miniature (either one that we owned or one that they provided), assembled it, and primed it. I looked over the models provided by the instructor and found one that required the least assembly and looked to be the easiest to paint since I’m a total noob and I just didn’t want to screw it up too badly.

To be honest, I wondered how we would spend an hour and a half doing just those steps, but the in between time allowed for questions and general chat among the class and the instructor. As I wrote on my Facebook, they are an eclectic bunch. One works at Old Sturbridge Village during the summer making pottery and another is a PhD student in polymer engineering at UMass. I learned about the different types of glue, paint, and models available and I am much more informed now when I go to make a purchase.

The second class was actual painting and I have to admit that I was very overwhelmed by the process. I even asked at one point, “Is anyone else paralyzed by choice?” after staring at my model for over 45 minutes. I looked at the paint choices. I searched online. I found nothing that helped until one of the other participants said something about looking at the model in pieces instead of a whole. Then, someone else suggested that I take a piece of the model with a large surface area. Both of those ideas got me on the right track. I grabbed one of the greens because I wanted to make him more of a wood elf than a high elf and I didn’t want to go crazy with the color scheme. I painted his cape that green color and was off to the races.

Back view. The cape that started it all. I also matched the color of the bow to the shafts of the arrows. It's the little touches that can really make a difference.
Back view. The cape that started it all. I also matched the color of the bow to the shafts of the arrows. It’s the little touches that can really make a difference.
20160208_212358
Front view. You probably can’t tell because of the quality of the potato that I used to take the picture, but the green is slightly different. Also, I got a bit adventurous with the trim and mixed some brown in with the orange to give it a more autumn feel.
Digital Playground

Noob’s History with Mario

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(Editor’s Note: The boys and I are trying to get on a regular recording schedule for the podcast. Chris also came up with the idea of going to a quarterly schedule for the main show, so I’m inspired and ready to tackle this thing full force again. )

Relaunching our brand over the holidays proved to be a bit of a mistake, but we are nothing if not ambitious here. One of the topics for January’s episode, which will now become an early February episode, is Mario. Last time, the boys and I talked about Luigi, so this time we’ll discuss his slightly more famous brother. A month or two ago, I wrote an article about my history with Pokemon to coincide with that episode that hasn’t been released, but may later in the month. It was a fun article to write, so I had the idea to do the same with Mario to coincide with this one that will be recorded this weekend to be released next week.

My history with Mario is much longer and much more consistent than Pokemon. I’d say that it is the game franchise that I have played the longest without any extended breaks. I often make the half-joke that all Nintendo has to do is release a Mario, Zelda, and Metroid game and I will buy the console. The truth is that Mario always hooks me back in and then I play the other games once they’ve reached my price point. You may be asking two questions right now. Even if you aren’t, there are two main points that I want to make with this article. What is this lengthy history with a video game that is longer than any personal relationship other than family? What keeps a person so dedicated to one franchise for so long?

It's a me, Mario! I'd like to play a game with you, Shawn. You may notice that your hands and feet are bound together with cuffs and chains. The key is hidden somewhere in that room. You have 2 hours until the vents open and release a poisonous gas. Good luck.
It’s a me, Mario! I’d like to play a game with you, Shawn. You may notice that your hands and feet are bound together with cuffs and chains. The key is hidden somewhere in that room. You have 2 hours until the vents open and release a poisonous gas. Good luck.

First, the actual history. I’ve been playing Mario themed games since Donkey Kong. Back then, though, he was known as Jumpman and I didn’t know–nor really care–about his rich history as a plumber. I never asked, “Why does this guy jump?” Does he have a, as of now unfound and unnamed, brother from whom he is trying to steal the attention of gamers similar to how I and my own brothers vie for the attention of our parents? Clearly, no. Jumpman’s troubles start, as they often do, with a woman. I didn’t actually play that much Donkey Kong. I preferred Donkey Kong, Jr. and the greater variety in gameplay from level to level.

So, while you could consider Donkey Kong as the start of my Mario history, I don’t. I actually started playing Mario when I would sit at the Super Mario Brothers vs. machine when neither Mortal Kombat nor Street Fighter were available. Between the arcade version of the game not being very forgiving and having to plug a quarter in every time I wanted to lay, I don’t think that I ever beat even level 1-2. Don’t laugh. Unless your name was Steve Wiebe or Billy Mitchell, you know you were in the same boat.

There's a lot that can be said for not being Billy Mitchell. Saving a fortune in hair care product and American flag ties, for example.
There’s a lot that can be said for not being Billy Mitchell. Saving a fortune in hair care product and American flag neck ties, as two examples.

Eventually, our parents bought us an NES. The place where my mother worked sold their rental games at a cheap price, so we also got a ton of games with it. One of the games was the NES version of Super Mario Bros. Either much less difficult or I was able to practice more without the restriction of 25 cents per play or both, I got much father in the home version of the game than the arcade. I still did not beat the game until I learned of the warp zones much later, but I made it to world 4, no small accomplishment for me at the time. Later, came the Game Boy version (the first Mario game that I beat), and after a brief flirtation with the Genesis and Sonic the Hedgehog, I bought an SNES. That system has two of my favorite Mario games ever, the remake of Super Mario Bros 3. and Super Mario World. I bought both of them again on the Wii Virtual Console. There aren’t many games that I will buy more than once for the exact same game. Heck, I don’t even buy game series in which the sequels don’t stray too far from the formula. I’m looking at you, Call of Duty.

The game that solidified my fandom and proved to me that the series can do no wrong was Super Mario 64. Like many others, I bought a Nintendo 64 for that game and happened to get a few other games that I played a few times and ultimately pushed to the side for the gloss and glamour of my newly purchased Playstation (that’s one for you youngins). That gloss wore off very quickly once that Playstation dripped in price a week or two after I bought it.

There it is. The last video game product that I ever paid full price. Not that I'm bitter. Nope, not at all. If Donald Trump can do all that he's done with just a small loan of one million dollars, imagine what I could have done with the $100 I'd have saved by waiting just a week. I could be running for President of the condo board of Del Boca Vista right now.
There it is. The last video game product that I ever paid full price. Not that I’m bitter. Nope, not at all. If Donald Trump can do all that he’s done with just a small loan of one million dollars, imagine what I could have done with the $100 I’d have saved by waiting just a week. I could be running for President of the condo board of Del Boca Vista right now.

Sony kept me hooked through a variety of great games, but I did still load up the N64 every day until I beat SM64 to 100% complete. It’s the first game that I ever did so, though I had to cheat a few times for some of the trickier stars. In between the N64 and Wii days, I played a ton of GBA. Thankfully, that system had a ton of Mario titles. From SNES remakes to new titles in the platforming series, to entirely different genres, the GBA is one of my favorite consoles ever and it is due in no small part to Mario.

I also owned a Gamecube, exclusively for the three games mentioned earlier in the article. Nintendo trie something different with Super Mario Sunshine. As with most fan bases, people reacted negatively to the change. Remember New Coke? Generally, I don’t mind change and, more often than not, embrace that companies are willing to try new and different things.

Except for New Coke. Seriously, eff New Coke.
Except for New Coke. Seriously, eff New Coke.

Clearly, I’m in the minority and when Mario debuted on the Wii, he did so with some new gameplay mechanics, but mostly just as SM64 with a shiny new coat of paint. Look, I’m not complaining. It continues to be a fun game enjoyed by my kids today. Liam had to buy a new copy because our old copy got scuffed. However, the game didn’t exactly push Mario forward.

The most recent Mario game that we’ve played shows that Nintendo is joining many other pop culture franchises and trying to capture the magic of the past with 2D platform games meant to remind us of where it all started. Not content with merely releasing those first games again (though they’ve done that plenty, too, through the virtual console), they have added new levels, enemies, power ups and, perhaps best of all, support for up to 4 players. Now, similar to Star Wars, I can share all of the Mario fun with my kids by playing these games. Sure, the more cynical part of my brain understands that it is about hooking that next generation to ensure sales into the future, but I ignore that part as I’m eating Aiden’s Toad character with my Yoshi and throwing him gleefully off of a cliff.

Mario has spanned the transition from 2 dimensional side scrolling zero (not really, but it works for literary purposes) to 3 dimensional galaxy exploring hero. He has survived a countless imitators, complete shifts in video game philosophy, and a terrible movie. He’s crossed generations from my father to me to my children and hopefully their children. Not bad for an Italian guy with a shady past that may or may not have been altered to protect his identity.

I could make a mob joke, but it would probably be considered insensitive. Plus, I have Italian friends and you never know who might be connected.
I could make a mob joke, but it would probably be considered insensitive. Plus, I have Italian friends and you never know who might be connected.
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Good Morning, Dagobah!

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(Editor’s Note: We have no idea if we are officially out of spoiler range for the new Star Wars movie. To be perfectly honest, we don’t care all that much about spoilers here. We are of the opinion that if you can’t enjoy entertainment that’s been spoiled, then perhaps it wasn’t all that entertaining. Besides, the movie has been out for more than a month now. If you haven’t seen it by now and care at all about spoilers, then you get what you deserve. With all of that being said, if you continue to read from this point forward, there are major spoilers to the movie.)

Kylo Ren, real name Ben (most likely named by his Uncle Luke Skywalker in honor of Obi Wan Kenobi) Solo (because he is the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa) kills his father in an attempt to complete his transformation to the Dark Side. I warned you. Enjoy the following funny SNL bit as a peace offering. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can talk about the rest of the movie. Don’t worry, we’ll come back to Han and his angry, angry son later.

I already gave my first impressions of the movie right after we saw it. If you read that article, you know that I enjoyed it very much. Half of it was nostalgia, half of it was watching it through the eyes of my own children, and the most important third half of it was being able to introduce this universe to my father in law. I’ve since had some time to ponder the movie more. You probably think that means that the glow has since faded and that I’m now going to write about how the movie is not as good as I first thought. Well, you’re partially right. As time passes, the glow naturally fades and it might sound like I’m bashing the movie, but I’m not. The internet has just created this environment in which you can’t criticize anything without being a hater. Know, then, that I still enjoy this movie, want to see it again and thank it for saving the franchise from the better taste of the prequels. And, I’m one of the few who kind of enjoyed Episodes I-III. Imagine the people who thought the movies were the cinematic equivalent of being warmed inside of a Tauntaun and how relieved they are that a good Star Wars movie was made before they died.

Or, should I say, remade. How’s that for a segue into my first criticism? As with all of them, it is a minor complaint and one that can be easily explained. Nevertheless, I should discuss the good and the bad. Maybe I should take a bad news/good news approach to the article. Seems like the best way to write it. That way I can avoid the inevitable internet accusation of drinking the haterade. Besides, honestly, no matter how much I complain, I did enjoy the movie very much.

Honestly, though, I'm not even sure who drinks this stuff. It tastes like burning.
Honestly, though, I’m not even sure who drinks this stuff. It tastes like burning.

Still, always bad news first. From the opening scent of the movie, when the giant star destroyer flew across the screen, I felt that there was something familiar about this movie. It’s not just because they decided to bring everyone back, either. We all knew that was going to happen. Also, I’m not the only one who thought this. I’ve spoken to several friends who had the same reaction. Okay, enough rationalizing, let’s look at the evidence.

  • The aforementioned star destroyed sets the stage for nostalgia. I thought, “Wow, that’s just like the beginning of Episode IV.”
  • A cute droid carries information that is vital to the good guys.
  • A black masked and cloaked villain with an altered voice. This one is explained in the movie through storytelling, but still suspect at first. Kylo Ren idolizes his grandfather and wants to be just like Darth Vader, so there’s your explanation.
  • An unspectacular protagonist from a desert planet ends up being extremely important to the fate of the galaxy.
  • There is some mystery regarding this protagonist’s life story.
  • This progtagonist becomes the protege of a former scoundrel turned wiser old man who clearly knows more than he’s saying.
  • The past catches up to the old man on several occasions forcing him to reconcile with that past. He still does not reveal the whole truth, however.
  • There is a power struggle for the second in command of the dark side army.
  • The good guys have a critical meeting inside of a cantina on a planet in the far reaches of the galaxy. At least this cantina is not on the same planet that the protagonist lives.
  • This group, known as the New Order, have built a planet sized space vessel capable of destroying planets.
  • The good guys are a rag tag bunch that happens to have some of the best pilots. They destroy the so called “Starkiller” by finding and exploiting it’s single weakness against impossible odds.
  • The wise old guru is murdered by someone close to him in front of his friends who are all powerless to help him.
  • The protagonist and antagonist fight to a stand still as the battle to destroy “Starkiller” rages around them, concluding as the vessel begins to tear itself apart.
  • The protagonist finds a wise old Jedi master on a remote planet surrounded by water. Okay, so this one is more Episode V, but movies are also slightly longer on average than in the late 1970s/early 1980s.

In case all of that wasn’t obvious enough, my main complaint is that the movie is nearly an exact retelling of Episode IV. Okay, now for the excuse making. I will rebrand it as the good news after the bad news. First, they had to reintroduce the series for several reasons. One, I mentioned that I mostly enjoyed the prequels. Many others, to put it mildly, did not. In less sugar coated terms, most, by a wide margin, fans hated it with the fire of a thousand Starkiller beams. There is so much more for nerds in pop culture these days that fans might have abandoned Star Wars altogether for Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, or any one of the Marvel series on TV or Netflix. What better way to get fans back into it than by going back to where it all started and reboot the story as well as support.

solo-foot-1
I know, Captain Solo. I’m just as shocked as you that Star Wars nerds would turn their backs on the movies. But, it’s not the 1970s and 1980s anymore and the prophecies have come true. Nerds rule and jocks drool.

Two, those of us who have been there all along are getting old. It is harder to get us to buy the tie in merchandise, other than the video games. If those old farts are anything like me, they brought family and friends to the movie. My kids have already seen the original movies, but my other guest hadn’t. Perhaps by introducing them with a proper introduction, they are more likely to get hooked and revisit those first movies. Even if they don’t, they’re in now. They finally have a Star Wars that they can call their own. See, it’s a legitimate complaint, but one that makes sense if you just think about it.

Back to bad news. I talked about the final battle in the list of similarities Kylo Ren battles against Rey (the lead protagonist mentioned in that same list) after fighting against Finn (who I haven’t even mentioned yet and it’s not because I’m racist, which is exactly what a racist would say. Damn. Moving on.) and mortally wounding or killing him. After having just watched the movie, I discussed it with my cousin. I brought up that I felt it a little strange, and even a little convenient, that someone who had studied as a Jedi and then in the dark side for who knows how long lost to a woman who only hours earlier picked up a light saber for the first time. True, there is some ambiguity surrounding Rey’s history and parentage, but I still made the point to him. He replied, “Well, Kylo was shot in the side.” which is a plot development that I had overlooked in my excitement. That is actually a great explanation, Skywalker spawn or not. There are other inconsistencies like that, but that one bothered me the most.

Okay, Kylo, I guess you get a pass. Being shot in the side might prove to be a bit of a distraction from your epic lightsaber battle.
Okay, Kylo, I guess you get a pass. Being shot in the side might prove to be a bit of a distraction from your epic lightsaber battle.

Even so (good news), the inconsistencies aren’t as glaring as the original trilogy that could have been explained by the prequels, but were actually made worse in many cases. Add in the silly tinkering that he did when rereleasing the original movies and those things are an absolute mess now.

Other than those two minor complaints–that can honestly be made about any movies and especially sequels that have made it to the 7th movie, I enjoyed it and cannot wait for the next one. As soon as we left the theater and sat in the restaurant waiting for our pizza, I searched on the tablet to find the release date for Episode VIII. I was genuinely upset that we would have to wait another year and a half (now moved to two years) for the movie to be released. In our video on demand, binge-watching society, that is an eternity. Hopefully spoilers start showing up soon and I can at least find out if my theories are correct.

Until then, I suppose I still have some Clone Wars to watch. There is also the new series Rebels and I have to show my father in law the first six movies. There is the machete order to try there. Maybe I will see this one again. There is plenty of Star Wars fun to keep me busy until Christmas 2017.

Good news? There’s less than 700 days as I write this.

Bad news? There’s almost 700 days as I write this.

I feel the same feels, Pepe. That's why you always lead with the bad news. It's better to end on a good note.
I feel the same feels, Pepe. That’s why you always lead with the bad news. It’s better to end on a good note.
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My Completely Ignorant NFL Picks (Division Round Weekend)

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(Editor’sNote: Even though the divisional round is far less random than the wild card, due to popular demand, I’m bringing back the coin from last weekend to pick the games. Heck, I kind of like the gimmick. I’ll call him George McQuarter.)

TLDR:

Went 3-1 last week, but 1-3 against the spread. George went 4-0 and 2-2. This week I have all 4 home teams; Pats, Cards, Panthers, and Broncos. George picks Chiefs, Cards, Panthers, and Steelers.

[collapse]

Well, I didn’t make 50,000 dollars in stupid Fantasy Football. I didn’t even make it past the first round. I did learn some valuable lessons about daily fantasy football and I’m now obsessed with the math of betting sports. My father gave me the advice to never bet on a sport where the ball bounces funny and I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m a math guy and the math intrigues me.

I went 3-1 straight up last week. The Green Bay Rodgers came to life for one game as the Washington team turtled and that game was hopeless. I was also 1-3 against the spread. I’m not sure how all that translates to betting possibilities, but I’d probably have put together a moneyline parlay with Kansas City and Seattle. I don’t think it would have paid much, but I’d have made money, so there’s that. Maybe I’ll do this column weekly next year with 200 fictional dollars (enough for 10 dollars each week leading to the Super Bowl and then if I have money at the end, I can use that for the Super Bowl) and see where I end up. I could do the same for George, who was 4-0 and 2-2 against the spread, but I’d have to figure out a way to rank George’s confidence without intentionally sabotaging him.

Rare picture of George. After getting this shot, he shouted, "No paparazzi!", and then jumped up, smacked me in the forehead hard enough to leave a mark, and rolled off. I haven't seen him since. He's been texting his picks to me. It's a strained relationship right now.
Rare picture of George. After getting this shot, he shouted, “No paparazzi!”, and then jumped up, smacked me in the forehead hard enough to leave a mark, and rolled off. I haven’t seen him since. He’s been texting his picks to me. Needless to say, It’s a strained relationship right now.

Okay, enough silliness, on to the picks. I honestly did no research this week other than look up the lines. I didn’t even listen to Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal. So, this week might be ugly. However, the Divisional Round is traditionally where the playoffs settle back into form after the craziness of the Coin Flip Round. This year’s Coin Flip round was especially crazy with all 4 road teams winning, so I see a possible overcorrection happening this week.

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-5): There are a lot of people who are high on Kansas City, especially after they thrashed a very terrible Houston Texans team last week. I’m not as high on them because all I keep thinking is Andy Reid on the road against Bill Belichick. I don’t care how many Patriots are injured. I don’t care that Kansas City is coming off of a huge win in the Coin Flip game. I just don’t care. Nothing can convince me that the Patriots won’t win this game. The Chiefs might, might cover if all of those Pats are actually hurt, but the Pats will win this game. George likes the Chiefs 59-41.

Green Bay Packers at Arizona Cardinals (-7): The Packers whipped the Washingtons, but that’s not saying much. The Washingtons are slightly better than the Texans because they actually have a quarterback. Arizona has been the team to beat almost all year and they’re my NFC pick for the Super Bowl. The Packers are my crazy pick, so this is the game. I can’t pick against Arizona at home. They’ll shut down Rodgers and just win. George likes Arizona, too, but he’s less confident, 52-48.

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers (-3): Seattle escaped by the skin of their teeth last week in awful conditions in Minnesota. I’m not as high on Carolina as some seem to be, but I’m pretty sure they can win this one. The NFC seems far less wonky this year than the AFC and I have much more confidence in their top seeds. George picks the Panthers, too, 57-43.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos (-7): The following is a transcript of a text conversation with my friend. I had been texting him the night before with updates on my fantasy failure and also grumping about the Steelers/Bengals game and what a terrible game it was. I had shut it off when the Bengals intercepted the ball with 1:36 left or whatever.

Him: Do you like NFL any better today?
Me: Nope. (Steelers lost and I’m out of the fantasy running)
Him: Steelers going to Mile Hile????
Me: How? Bungs picked it off with a minute left. (I gave up on the game and went to bed).

After that, I went to check the score, saw that the Steelers won and went on to discuss with him that this terrible Steelers team is now two improbable wins from the Super Bowl. I don’t think that this Steelers team is any better than they were before, but weird things happen in these Steelers/Broncos playoff games. Of all of the games, I’m least confident of this one. I’m picking the Broncos, but I’d love to be wrong to see this awful Steelers team playing for a chance to go to the Super Bowl. George has the Steelers 51-49, so he’s just as shaky on this one.

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My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview (Coin Flip Weekend Edition)

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(Note: I swore off the NFL, and especially the Super Bowl, about 6 or 7 years ago. I cheated a couple of times by watching the second half of Steelers/Cardinals and the last couple of drives of Pats/Giants II for the schadenfreude.)

TLDR:

Pats/Cards in the Super Bowl. Steelers/Packers in the Crazy Bowl. Chiefs, Steelers, Seahawks, Redskins for this weekend. Hopefully I win 50,000 dollars in stupid fantasy football.

[collapse]

Last year, I started what I hoped would be an annual tradition. As with most of my plans, this one got lost somewhere between planning and implementation. I wrote an article called “My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview” to basically show that the blowhards on TV and the internet every week have no better idea than anyone else as to how the NFL is going to unfold in any particular season. I picked how each team would finish in their division and then made a Super Bowl prediction. The division picks were a mixed bag. Then again, I never thought to check how I did compared to the “expert” (Dr Z? Is he still a thing?) I fashioned my article after, which would have been a good follow up. Oh well, good intentions and all that. However, I came within 5 seconds and a crazy sequence of events from winning my Seahawks over Patriots pick.

If I was a gambling man, this would have been me. I would have specifically asked my bookie to deliver the money in this fashion. He would have most likely responded to this request with a pair of cement shoes.

If I was a gambling man, this would have been me. I would have specifically asked my bookie to deliver the money in this fashion. He would have most likely responded to this request with a pair of cement shoes.

I also only lost two picks in the entire playoffs, including that stupid Super Bowl. Eff the Patriots. Nevertheless, emboldened by that success and my fantasy football championship, I present to you the second annual “Completely Ignorant NFL Playoff Picks”. Before I pick the Coin Flip, er Wild Card, games, I’m going to talk a little about the Super Bowl. Obviously, I didn’t get to make preseason picks and I can’t go back in time–not even virtually–to make them, so I’m limited to doing it now. In keeping with tradition, the only research that I’ve done is listening to Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal discuss the NFL from a degenerate gambling point of view, so I will follow their lead in this article. In that spirit, here are the Super Bowl odds for all of the playoff teams as of 1/8/2016.

Super Bowl Odds
Panthers, Patriots, Cardinals (9/2)
Seahawks, Broncos (5/1)
Steelers (8/1)
Bengals (20/1)
Chiefs (25/1)
Packers (30/1)
Redskins (40/1)
Texans (60/1)

As you can see, there is no clear favorite this year. Usually, by this time of the year, everyone has jumped on the Patriots bandwagon. They’ve looked so bad over the last month or so that people (well, not technically people, gamblers) are spooked. The biggest surprise to me is that the Steelers are so heavily favored, but that might be because I’m a Steelers fan and they are a terrible team that passes for decent in today’s watered down National Football League.

If you want to sound like a professional commentator, you have to say things like "National Football League". Also, by including this picture, I may now be sued by the National Football League. Whatever. Maybe my bad boy image and devil may care attitude will finally lead to my big break as a writer. Hey, it worked for others in "The Biz".
If you want to sound like a professional commentator, you have to say things like “National Football League”. Also, by including this picture, I may now be sued by the National Football League. Whatever. Maybe my bad boy image and devil may care attitude will finally lead to my big break as a writer. Hey, it worked for others in “The Biz”.

With all of that being said, they are my outside pick for the AFC team in the Super Bowl. More on that in a moment. i’m calling this the Coin Flip round. That’s only partially a joke. Like almost everyone else (or maybe more so given my absolute ignorance on the subject), I am clueless as to how this playoff season will unfold. I honestly have no good feeling, even, about any of these games ore team. How, then, am I supposed to pick two teams from this hodge podge of 12 as a proper Super Bowl match up?

Well, then, to be safe and increase my odds, I’m going to pick four. I will pick an obvious match up and I will also make an “off the rails” pick that could conceivably happen if things go just right for the teams involved. Let’s start with the obvious picks and build suspense on the NFC “outsider” pick. To be fair, I’m also putting that one off because I don’t have a good one yet.

I really need to stop getting my crystal balls at Wal*Mart.
I really need to stop getting my crystal balls at Wal*Mart.

Sure, they’ve looked terrible lately, especially over the last two games, but they might have just been playing possum. Plus, I always lead with eff them, but until someone proves that they can eff them, I have to pick the Patriots. Many think that Carolina is Cinderella and they’re all waiting for the coach to turn back into a pumpkin. (Oh, come on, that was a good pun and I didn’t even mean to do it.) I am among them. I have no faith in the Panthers, so I’m going with the Cardinals in the NFC.

If I understand how odds work (and there’s no guarantee of that) and my math is right (there’s a much better chance that is true), then that gives 29.25 to 1 odds of this happening according to what Vegas says. And, that’s the sure thing this year. There’s just no rhyme or reason in today’s National Football League. If I had more of a production budget, I could have made a cool graphic like the robots fighting or helmets crashing into each other, but all we have is the image below. Enjoy.

There's your Super Bowl 50 (because the National Football League presumably didn't want Super Bowl Large to come 10 years after Super Bowl Extra Large) match up. Place your bets now. Or, probably don't, because, honestly, who the hell knows?
There’s your Super Bowl 50 (because the National Football League presumably didn’t want Super Bowl Large to come 10 years after Super Bowl Extra Large) match up. Place your bets now. Or, probably don’t, because, honestly, who the hell knows?

I’ve already told you that I think the Steelers have an (extremely) outside shot of going to the Super Bowl this year, but that requires beating the Patriots and that’s something that they’ve never been able to do reliably. Especially this year, of all years, they have a crap defense and the Patriots are susceptible to the rush due to a patchwork offensive line. Oh well, here’s how I see it happening. Steelers beat the Bungles, which is possible because the Steelers hurt another Cincinnati quarterback earlier in the year. First Carson Palmer and now Andy Dalton. It is slightly less likely now because D’Angelo Williams is hurt. Look at how smart I look at missing my own deadline. Anyhow, if that happens, they’d play the Broncos. Peyton Manning usually folds against both the Steelers and Patriots, but again, this isn’t my father’s Pittsburgh Steelers. Finally, the Steelers would have to beat Patriots, who would easily dispatch of the Chiefs or Texans. Highly improbable, and that is why I don’t understand how they are only 8 to 1.

In the NFC, the Packers could beat the Redskins. That would put them against the fraudulent Panthers in the second round and then they’d have to defeat the Cardinals in the Championship to get to the Super Bowl. Both of my outsider teams would have to beat my sure thing teams and that’s insanity. It shows in the numbers. The sure thing was about 30 to 1. This one is nearly 10 times that at 278 to 1. Both of these logos have letters in them, so they look weird when flipped. My Steelers bias would rather have the Packers look weird.

Your Super Bowl 50 match up in an alternate universe where I am a gambling savant and a gajillionaire.
Your Super Bowl 50 match up in an alternate universe where I am a gambling savant and a gajillionaire.

Okay, now finally on to the picks for those of you who didn’t take advantage of the TLDR. Since this is coin flip weekend, I will give you the coin’s take on it first and then my own.

Chiefs (-3) at Texans: The coin picks the Chiefs by a score of 59-41 in 100 coin flips. I have to agree with the coin on this one. The Texans have limped through the season as the best team in the worst division in football. The Chiefs aren’t a sexy team, but they are a great team to be fodder for the rejuvenated Patriots in the next round.

Steelers (-3) at Bengals: The coin is fairly certain of this one, too. Steelers win 58-42. I’m less certain. As I said, so many people love the Steelers, but I think that is fantasy football bias. The Steelers have sexy fantasy guys and that doesn’t always translate. Even with Williams out, I think the Steelers have enough to beat AJ McCarron and the Bengals again.

Seahawks (-5) at Vikings: The coin thinks this one will be closer, but it picks the Seahawks 51-49. I’m more confident in this pick. The Seahawks tend to turn it on in the playoffs. Like the Steelers, their defense has taken a step back and their running back is injured, but it’s the Seahawks. Like the Patriots, you can’t count them out until they’re out.

Packers (-1) at Washington: Well, the coin thinks it is going to be a road sweep this weekend. Packers win this one 52-48. I didn’t want to pick all road teams and I think this game is the one that will be most wide open. The Packers are Aaron Rodgers and a bunch of other guys right now and Washington might have finally found a quarterback in Cousins.

I don’t think that I will come close to my record from last year and this weekend could be a disaster picks wise. Oh well, thankfully I’m not a gambling man, but I did take a free entry into Yahoo Sports daily fantasy playoffs contest, so maybe I’ll somehow luck out and win $50,000 dollars to help heal the pain of looking completely foolish. I’m pretty sure that’s how the pros deal with that aspect of the job.

Digital Playground

Looking For Magic…

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(Editor’s Note: …in all the wrong places? Okay, clever (?) title aside, here’s a TLDR. Do you like Magic? Do you like Puzzle Quest? If your answer is yes to both of these, then give the game a try.)

I’ve discussed the Puzzle Quest line of games on the page. For those of you who are new and don’t want to sift through other articles, I will offer a recap of my history with the games. I started with the titular game of the series on the XBox360 because it was being sold for 5 or 10 bucks. I don’t remember the exact price, but it was cheap enough that I didn’t hesitate to buy it. I’ve also discussed that I have the same problem when Steam has a sale. It didn’t hurt that I’m a sucker for the match-3 type puzzle games. Heck, I’ve been a fan of puzzle video games since I got Tetris with the Game Boy. The match-3 have the same appeal as Tetris without the marathon matches–unless you binge, as I sometimes will. Nevertheless, it is comforting to know that you can pick the game up, play a few rounds, and be done with it in less time than it takes you to—well, I’ll leave it at that and let your imagination take over.

It looks like a demon...on the toilet...playing Candy Crush...and he is on a higher level than I am.
It looks like a demon…on the toilet…playing Candy Crush…and he is on a higher level than I am.

I’ve played all of the big names. Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, the original Puzzle Quest on the XBox360, and I even finally discovered Candy Crush a couple of years ago. That one has occupied my free time more than any other game over the last few months. It’s just the way that these games work. They feel dumb and easy. Then, the difficulty ramps up and you’re playing them as much as you can to get that “one more level”. They show you how your friends are doing and it ramps up the competitive spirit that much more. I’ve even done something that I never thought I’d do. I’ve spent real money on these games. Candy Crush, especially, hooks me with their weekend “deals” about once every two months. I have since found other games because I’m stuck on one of the Candy Crush “hard” levels and have been for as long as I can remember. I’m not going to spend money on extra levels or anything because I’ve learned that lesson. My high–or is that low–point came during my Marvel Puzzle Quest playing days. I spent more money on that game than I care to admit. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Marvel and have not thrown my money away on comics for the better part of a decade and a half. Might as well turn that good money into ultimately useless characters for this silly game because, #YOLO

Okay, Sam, I get the point.
Okay, Sam, I get the point.

Enough of that silliness. Time for some on topic silliness. The reason that I mention my history with puzzle games in general, and Puzzle Quest in particular, is that a new one has been released. Most likely several have been released. One, in particular, caught my attention. I’ve written about it before on the page because I’ve been excited about it since it was announced. I write, of course, about Magic Puzzle Quest. They’ve done such a great job with Marvel Puzzle Quest that I couldn’t wait to see if they could capture that “Magic” again.

Pun not intended, but not exactly discouraged, either.
Pun not intended, but not exactly discouraged, either.

I should know by now to temper my expectations. I’m not saying that it is a bad game. It just feels…incomplete. The story mode in Marvel Puzzle Quest is deep and rich. I would say that is because it is based on recent comic storylines, but even the original Puzzle Quest had good, if generic, lore. In both cases, many levels are introduced with dialogue that helps to keep you immersed in the fantasy of a game that quickly gets boring otherwise. Given that precedent, I expected the newest version to follow, if not surpass, that standard. It falls well short. Most disappointing is that Wizards has stated that they want to be more committed to story and lore. That commitment showed in the latest iteration of the Duels series, but definitely took a step back in Magic Puzzle Quest. The only “story” is a single sentence, most likely just the flavor text from whatever card you happen to be battling. It’s a phenomenal disappointment. Really, though, that’s my only complaint. For someone like me, it’s a big deal. Your mileage, as usual, may vary. The gameplay is the same lame match-3 of all the others. Without an interesting story, the game is simply Candy Crush with Nissa or Liliana instead of the annoying little girl as your protagonist. What, then, keeps me logging in to this one instead of the candy filled cuteness?

That vile, vile cuteness. I see a demon...on the toilet...leading candy minions against me in a war for my soul. It is a war that I am losing...badly.
That vile, vile cuteness. I see a demon…on the toilet…leading candy minions against me in a war for my soul. It is a war that I am losing…badly.

Well, it is a Magic property. The familiarity of the characters and lore make this a more desirable destination if I’m going to be blowing up gems. Add the dimension of being able to summon creatures, play spells, use planeswalker powers, and better freebies to make Magic Puzzle Quest undeniably the choice for match-3 on mobile for me. Let’s talk about those freebies. In Candy Crush, there is a wheel of fortune that may or may not give you something useful. More often than not, the prize is nearly worthless. Magic gives guaranteed prizes every day. Sometimes it is in game currency. At the end of each week, you get a booster pack. I haven’t made it yet, but if you log in each day for a month, you get a fat pack of boosters.

I still prefer Marvel Puzzle Quest for the reasons outlined, but I only have that one on Steam and I don’t trust that my progress will carry over if I download the game onto my tablet. So, whenever I need to blow up gems while I’m…busy…I’ll log into Magic Puzzle Quest and collect cool stuff while I’m at it. I’ll also hope for a better story.