My Completely Ignorant NFL ~3/4 Season Report

(Editor’s Note: Who the hell does an NFL 3/4 season report? Well, we’re notorious for doing things differently around here. Plus, I’m perpetually late on even self imposed deadlines, so here it is.)

AFC East(I picked: Pats, Dolphins, Jets, Bills)

Well, I only flipped the Jets and the Bills in my preseason picks, but I was terribly wrong about the Bills. Either that, or the NFL is just terrible this year and the both the Dolphins and Bills are taking advantage of that and making things interesting by hovering around .500 and threatening to make the playoffs. I only thought that the Dolphins might be decent enough to make some noise. My exact quote was that I wanted to relegate the other teams to a lesser league like the premier league. That still applies to the Jets.

AFC West (I picked KC, SD, Denver, Oakland)

I was way wrong here. I mean, the Chiefs are only a game out of first, but I thought that this was going to be another dumpster fire of a division and again, 3 out of the 4 teams are over .500 and by 2 games or more. Oakland is one game off from Dallas for the best record in the league and San Diego is chilling in the basement while their city decides if they even want to keep the team.

AFC North (I picked Cincy, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Browns)

This used to be my home division back when I followed football more closely, so you think that I’d have a better handle on it than the rest of the league. Nope. 2016 has just been the horrible, terrible, very bad year and it extends to my picks this year. Oh well, I guess that’s what we get for living to see the Red Sox, White Sox, and Cubs win a World Series. The universe is exacting karmic retribution. Only good thing I can say is that my Steelers are leading the division (by default, but I’ll take it) and the Browns haven’t won a game just like I said they wouldn’t.

AFC South (I picked Colts, Texans, Titans, Jags)

Flip flopped–fitting in an election year–the top two teams, but to be fair, I think I said that I was sick of picking Houston as my “it” team and having them poop in their pants. Well, to be fair, they are still pooping, just not completely in their pants this year. The Titans eat their boogers and the Jaguars are still smelly fart butts. Sorry, due to time constraints, I commissioned this part of the article to my 5 year old. But, I’m back. At least we can always count on the AFC South to always stink.

NFC East (I picked Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Racist Owners)

Not only was I wrong about the order, but I was wrong about the division completely. The NFC East is back and now we have to listen to all the talking heads wax poetic about how it is the best division in football, the rivalry games are so intense, and generally do a boring job of the only thing that they’re being paid to do. Dammit, this was supposed to be the year that progress marched forward all over the sins of the past, and here we are.

NFC West (I picked Cardinals, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams)

If any team is indicative of the NFL this year, it is the Rams. They are a terrible team, nobody in the city cares that they exist, but a few people pretend to pay attention and think that it is an entertaining product because of misplaced nostalgia. Somehow, they are just good enough to keep those people coming back. Yeah, I got this one pretty wrong, too.

NFC North (I picked Packers, Viking, Bears, Lions)

I need to pick an “expert” to compare my picks with next year. Hopefully, he will do worse than I have so that I can point my finger and laugh that the guy doing this for fun performed better than the guy getting paid to do it. Because, it is getting boring for me to keep saying that I was wrong and I’m sure it is equally, if not more so, for you to keep reading it. Then again, maybe you’re laughing at the guy who took time out of his busy schedule to not only write a preview of a league that he barely even watches anymore, but came back 3 months to revisit those predictions and learn that maybe if you’re going to write about something, you should know a bit about it, Dummy. If so, I’ll take it. If you can’t be right, at least be entertaining.

NFC South (I picked Panthers, Bucs, Saints, and Falcons)

We have mercifully reached the end of the article and can put this poor thing out of its misery. As one last hope (no, it hasn’t been completely smothered under the weight of all this greatness yet), I will say that I’ve only flipped the first and the last team in this division, there are 6 games left in the season, and only 2 games separate those two teams, so there is still a chance for Carolina to get hot. With our luck this year, that hotness will cause them to catch fire and burn down both Southern divisions. Then again, maybe that will be a good thing and it will improve the quality of the league.

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