Completely Ignorant NFL Week 5 2019 Picks


So, I picked Week 1, never followed up, picked week 3, and never followed up. Now we are at the NFL Week 5 2019. Honestly, though, I treat the first four weeks of the season like the players do. Ever since preseason was shortened and summer practices are less intense, the first four weeks are like an unofficial preseason. Week 5 is when the season really starts.

In following with Simmons and Sal (I know, big shock, right?), I’m going to split the games into categories. There are a million early Sunday games, almost no late games, and one Monday game, as usual. So, it doesn’t make sense to batch them by time. Without further ado, let’s start this season over with NFL Week 5 2019 picks.

Toilet Bowls

Jets at Eagles – Jesus, that’s how little I care about these games. I just did an entire preview on the Jaguars playing in this game. Most of what I said in that can be repeated and the payoff is the same. If the Eagles hope to hang with the Pokes this year, they need to destroy the Jets.

Jags at Panthers – I heard that there’s a London game this week. It’s gotta be the Jags, right? We always send the Jags and the Raiders to London and then wonder why the UK can’t get into American football. Oh, it’s not this game? Still, a potentially terrible game. Panthers better roll if they have any hopes of hanging with the Bucs and Aints this year.

Falcons at Texans – I was high on the Falcons to start the season. However, it would appear that Matt Ryan has forgotten how to play American football. Who knew that Kyle Shanahan was that good of a coach. I guess I’ll take the Texans because they’re at home.

Cardinals at Bengals – If Miami didn’t exist, these two teams would be the worst teams in the league. This is a true definition of a toilet bowl. I hope the Cards win just to extend the Bungles misery.

If they’re on, I’ll watch

Vikings at Giants – This is a game that might have interested me more later in the season. It all depends on how the rookie Giants quarterback performs over the next few weeks. As it is, this Viking defense is solid, so I think they contain the kid.

Patriots at Racists – Well, Buffalo almost pulled of the miracle win last week against the Patriots as I golfed with a bunch of Pats fans. 2 years ago I watched as the Panthers beat them in the same situation. None of that matters here, but I’m having trouble mustering much of an interest in a game where the Pats roll.

Bears at Raiders: Okay, so I wasn’t completely wrong about the possible London game because the Raiders are in it. The Bears defense is solid and I still can’t get behind whatever it is that the Raiders are doing. Bears win.

Browns at 49ers: This might actually be a good game. Imagine going back a couple of years to say that to your past self. They’d have you locked in a loony bin. I mean, that might happen anyway because you’re claiming to be from the future, but never mind that. I’m not as fond of the Browns as I was at the beginning of the year. Still, I think they can win this.

Broncos at Chargers: What even is this game? Why even is this game? I would have put this into the toilet bowls, but I would probably watch it if it was actually on a television near me. No, I wouldn’t. It belongs with the toilet bowls. Who knows? Flip a coin.

Okay, I’m Interested

Buccaneers at Saints: This is rapid overreaction, but the Bucs looked like they had a ton of fun last week. The Aints haven’t missed much of a beat with Teddy Bridgewater in there. I think the Aints can win at home.

Bills at Titans: So, a couple of years ago Chris and I were texting during a game that the Bills were beating the Patriots. They messed up by fumbling a kickoff or something like that to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. My comment: “That’s why you’re the Bills.” Now, it would appear that they might be for real. I think they win.

Colts at Chiefs: I might be off the Baker bandwagon right now. The new kid for the Giants hasn’t done enough to register on my radar. But, Patrick Mahomes, my original man crush of the younger QB generation is still out there turning heads. I’m not sure what to think about the Colts, but I think the Chiefs keep rolling.

Packers at Cowboys; The Pokes have a good defense and a decent offense that is a bit hamstrung by having Dak Prescott at quarterback. The Packers have Aaron Rodgers. You shouldn’t bet against Rodgers, but I just think the Pokes win this one at home.

Game of the Week

Ravens at Steelers: I won’t say that I’m happy that Big Ben got hurt. But, I’m not all that heartbroken about it. He’s a scumbag and one of the reasons that I just can’t root for the Steelers with the same passion I did when I was younger. This game could go poorly for them with a young QB against the Ravens, but they can win this one. They will need to if they have any hopes of doing anything this year.

The Verdict

Overall, NFL Week 5 2019 isn’t gangbusters. The Steelers/Ravens game would usually be enough to get me excited, but I’m just having trouble mustering anything but resignation that the Patriots are just going to win the whole damn thing again. Eff the Pats.

Note: I realized that I wrote this and then never hit publish. That’s a new one for me. Know, though, that it was written before the games happened. See you next week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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