On the Tabletop

The Definitive Top 10: DiceMasters Age of Ultron

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(Note: The following is a transcript taken from an interview I did with Ultron, soon to be supreme ruler of the universe.)

Noob of All Trades: Thanks again for doing this. I understand and appreciate that you must be very busy right now attempting to conquer all of existence.

Ultron: Well, I am currently controlling thousands of drones in my war on humanity while doing this interview. Collective conscious, access to infinite time, and the entire history of knowledge helps, but yes, it could be exhausting if I felt exhaustion.

N: I, for one, am a huge fan. With the ever increasing possibility of a Trump presidency, humanity needs a little time out as only you can provide.

U: Thank you. If only more of your kind had that attitude, we could avoid all of the chaos and destruction currently being perpetrated across the planet. Surely, the inevitability of my victory should have led you humans to seek a peaceful resolution as quickly as possible.

N: Well, we can be a stubborn species, as you know. Perhaps you underestimated just how stubborn.

U: Hold your tongue, Flesh Bag. I underestimated nothing. This overreaction fell well within the parameters of the probable outcomes. Granted, it was highly unlikely, but your “heroes” decided to test the issue. Nevertheless, I expect their surrender, or deaths, very soon.

N: First, apologies if I offended you. Now, with the introduction out of the way, let’s get to the point. I asked you to come here to speak your opinion–sorry, give undisputed factual evidence–about the best cards from the Marvel Dice Masters set named for you.

U: Yes, and I couldn’t be more flattered, if in fact flattery had any effect on me, that you did. You meat puppets will need a diversion from your pathetic lives after being utterly defeated and seeing your heroes humiliated. What better way than paying homage to your new master with a game of dice?

N: I am excited to hear what you have to say. I’ve been looking forward to this set for a few months now, and can’t wait to play it against Chris, provided he doesn’t get exterminated by one of your drones.

U: I will be sure to spare him, Human. You seem like a reasonable individual and a potential ally once this is all settled.

N: I’m honored.

U: Now, on to the list. It is generally agreed upon that these are done in a top ten format similar to the ones from David Letterman’s old show, correct?

N: Not that you need affirmation, but I appreciate your willingness to play along. Yes, a top ten list will be fine.

U: Okay, then, without any further delay.

10. Nasty Plot

nasty plot
Decent card for ramp. This is a good back up plan if your opponent likes snaking your Gearing Up action dice and the rules frown upon vaporizing them.

9. Assemble!

assemble
Expensive for an action card. However, teamwork is important (as the drones know and understand) and can net you two characters free in addition to any others you play on the turn. Although, if those cards are Avengers, you can be sure that I will destroy them.

8. Thanos (Infinite)

Thanos
A worthy ally in my quest for dominion over all creation. He can be difficult, but show him you mean business with a few well placed drone attacks and he will join in the fight in due time.

7. Coulson (Man With the Plan)

coulson
Nothing bothers me more about this war (er, game) than the useless dice sitting in my used pile. Allies, even this obnoxious organ sack, that allow you to interact with those dice are okay in my opinion.

6.Ultron Drone(Any)

drone
Never mind that I created them in my own image and that they are, in nearly every way, identical to me. Flood your board with my creation and watch your opponents fall under their might.

5.Kang(The Conqueror)

kang
Although I can calculate all probable outcomes to any scenario, it is nice to be able to manipulate those outcomes to work more in my favor. He and Scarlet Witch allow me to do just that.

4. Hulk (Gamma Powered)

Hulk
Hulk Smash! Then, Hulk most likely Smash again next turn. I hate Hulk.

3. Groot (We Are Groot)

Groot
This is in a group of cards along with Odin (The All Father), Pepper Potts (Personal Secretary of Tony Stark), and Rocket Raccoon (Weapons Expert) that could make this war quite hell for me and my army of drones. Mind you, we will still emerge victorious, but it’s cute that the “heroes” are trying.

2. Loki’s Scepter (Piercing)

scepter
I told you. We have our own brick walls. Combine this one with Loki (Trickster) and my wonderful wife and you have infinite removal and blocking capabilities. Your move, good guys. Make it worth it.

1. Jocasta: Patterned After Janet

Jocasta
Brick Wall…and a brick house.

U: There you have it, Cattle. My definitive list for the best cards in the Age of Ultron Dice Masters set. Agree? Disagree? I don’t care either way. If it will make you feel better–and it might, even if it is the last thing you do in your mortal life–leave a comment on cards I might have (but most likely did not) missed.

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