Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 13 Preview


Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 13. Last week I tried something different with my preview. Instead of picking the games, I picked something that I’d rather watch instead of each of the games. I’m not sure how well it reads, but I like the concept, so I will expand on it and try to figure out how to make it work better for the rest of this season and next.

I do know that it would get boring to continually read about my plans to watch things other than football games. Therefore, and because it is Thanksgiving week in the NFL, I will discuss the things that I’m thankful for because of the games. Again, who knows how it will read, but I’m nothing if not persistent.

Also, there is another new category for this week. It is a special one that will only happen during this week in the season. I don’t use the word necessarily as a judgement (even though the games are pretty terrible this year). I just like that we can use “turkey” in so many contexts. Yay for English!

Finally, I have replaced the heading names with more gastronomic terms. Sorry in advance. It’s just all these games are crap. Now, on to 2019 NFL Week 13!

The Turkeys

Chicago at Detroit– You may think there’s not much to be thankful about this game. You’d be right. But, given my history with the Bears defense and fantasy football, I guess I’m thankful that I don’t have to pay attention to any of these games because I’m not in a league.

Buffalo at Dallas – This game makes me thankful for Thanksgiving dinner. By the time this game rolls around, I’m in a gluttony induced state of immobility on the couch. Lying in front of a fire and thinking about leftovers.

Atlanta at New Orleans – Simmons and Sal said that this game happened last year, too, on Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for our crack research team here at 2 Generations Gaming that has been able to confirm that, in fact, this game happened at the exact same time last year. Whoever’s running this simulation is getting lazy.

The Sewer

Washington at Carolina – What is there to be thankful for here? The racist nickname? Oh, we went to South Carolina last summer and that was an amazing trip that our kids still talk about. Oh, and we stopped in DC and had great ramen for dinner.

New York Jets at Cincinnati – I had a difficult time ranking these games from most to least objectionable. They are all terrible. I’m thankful that I don’t have to travel to work on this game. Those poor people. All they wanted was a job in show business and this is their reward.

Tennessee at Indianapolis – I swear to God this game is on the schedule every week. I’m thankful for the South divisions. I know that sounds weird after I called for their abolition last week. But, at least the fact that this game happens once a week reaffirms that we are living in a simulation.

Los Angeles Rams at Arizona – I’m thankful for Kyler Murray. Thanks to him, Lamar Jackson, and Patrick Mahomes, the NFL might start to become slightly less conservative and more fun to watch.

Toilet Bowls

Green Bay at New York Giants – I’m thankful for snow in November. I know the game is in New York and I don’t think that there is snow in the forecast, but Green Bay always makes me think of snow. Wasn’t this the Ice Bowl? At least Green Bay was there.

Philadelphia at Miami – I’m thankful that Miami has a nice climate (for now until it sinks into the ocean because of climate change), so that it takes their minds off of their terrible football team. Their city sinking into the ocean would do that too, I imagine. So, it’s all aces in southern Florida

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville – Once upon a time, Christine and I were planning to move to Tampa Bay. More accurately, it was St Petersburg. Either way, I’m thankful we didn’t. I don’t know if I’d make a proper Florida man.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh – I’m thankful for my family and friends back in Pennsylvania. I’ve often said that I never felt at home until I got to Massachusetts. I know that might sound rude towards them, but I mean no disrespect to them. I wish they could all move up here.

The Bowels

Minnesota at Seattle – I’m thankful that the Sounders won the MLS Cup this year. I became a huge fan of MLS this year and for my favorite team to win the cup was pretty amazing. Add to it, Liverpool is 8 points clear in the lead. It’s a great year for real football.

New England at Houston – I’m thankful that I have more or less been able to avoid Patriots fans this year. Sure, they are 10-1, but the Golden Boy has been less than stellar. Plus, there are rumors that he’s going to leave at the end of the year. Pats fans aren’t sure what to do with that so they’ve been mostly quiet. Hope the Ravens destroy them in the playoffs and really drive that stake in.

Las Vegas at Kansas City – I’m thankful for Cousin Sal. He is the only reason that I even listen to Simmons podcast every week and most weeks I enjoy Sal’s podcast even more. Also, Patrick Mahomes. I don’t want him to get jealous of my Lamar Jackson man crush.

The Stomach (Game of the Week)

San Francisco at Baltimore – I’m thankful for Chris. He’s trying his hardest to keep me invested in the NFL in spite of my increased disinterest in the league. This week, he used the ol’ Lamar Jackson trick. He knows exactly what to say. <3

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 13 is a stinker. It isn’t as bad as some weeks and I will actually end up watching some football through my eyelids after eating too much turkey. However, I doubt that I’ll see any of the weekend games. Have a great Thanksgiving weekend, all, and hope to see you next week for some Pokemon talk.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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