In the past, I’ve done a “completely ignorant” preview of the NFL. Sometimes I branch off into college football, too, during the bowl and championship season. This year, the beginning of the season came and went and I never wrote my preview. Well, inspired by my text chain with Chris and Jason, I bring you my NFL Week 1 Wild Overreaction.
And, yes, I realize that one game of week 2 already played last night. Several people asked me if I watched the game. Apparently, I look like a football guy again. Either that, or people just start their conversations with questions about the NFL now for some reason. In any case, no I didn’t watch the game. I saw the score was something like 27-14 and checked again this morning to make a smart assed comment about the Vikings still sucking, but laid off because they came back and lost only 34-28 with Kirk Cousins throwing 4 TDs. Oh well.
Even without Aaron Rodgers (or maybe they rally around his injury because he was that great of a leader in his short time), the Jets run the table and enter the playoffs 17-0 and the #1 seed in the AFC. Rodgers comes back to lead them into the Super Bowl as only the third team in history to enter that game undefeated. They play against the Green Bay Packers. You see where I’m going with this. Needless to say, Miami still pops their champagne. Tua stays on the field and challenges Peyton’s single season touchdown record. He has to settle for 50 and the Dolphins record. Bill Belichick placed a voodoo curse on Foxboro during Brady’s celebration that transferred his mojo into Mac Jones and the Patriots will start another dynasty next year. Josh Allen, after a career low year, signs with the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL. This causes a merger of them and the Bills and eventual merger of the NFL and CFL. America is forced to adopt the metric system and 110 yard football field.
The Raiders hold on to their division lead for the entire year. Raiders fans get excited about being the first team to have a home Super Bowl and purchase all the tickets. They scalp them for record amounts when the Raiders get eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. Kansas City misses out on the playoffs for the first time in 8 years. Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes make 17 State Farm commercials during the playoffs. I finally remember that the Chargers moved to Los Angeles from San Diego. This is the most unlikely scenario in this whole article. When they fail to turn around the Broncos, Sean Payton and Russell Wilson found a women’s soccer team in Denver.
Deshaun Watson keeps his hands to himself and the Browns win the division. This is probably equally as unlikely as me remembering the LA Chargers. The Bengals celebrate not having to face the Chiefs again in the playoffs a little bit too much and flame out in their first game in the playoffs. The Ravens surprise and confuse everyone by wearing Browns throwbacks in their game against the team they used to be and take on the old losing ways of that team. The Pittsburgh Steelers hold a funeral for Kenny Pickett in week 3 after the Browns and Raiders follow up the 49ers and sack him a total of 20 times in the first three games. Even Tru believers need to admit at the end of the season that Mitchell needs to just retire.
AFC South/NFC South
Both divisions move to Europe to start the NFL expansion to that continent. Brady buys the Buccanneers, who become one of the German teams. The move proves surprisingly popular among American fans and several fan bases lobby for their teams to move, as well.
The Cowboys don’t allow a single point all season. However, they tie 3 games 0-0, two against Philly and one shocker against a quarterbackless Washington Football Team. In spite of the sale of the Commanders by Dan Snyder, the fans are so disgusted with the play of their “quarterbacks” and eventual demotion of all of them in favor of running a T-formation/wildcat hybrid offense that they are the first to petition to send the team to Europe. The Eagles, elated by their two ties against the undefeated Cowboys, try that strategy in the playoffs. After 5 overtimes, their patented 4th down play fails them and the Cowboys take the game. The Giants play 17 games. While you might not think that’s much of a stretch, after that first game, I fully expect them to announce they’re folding the franchise any minute now.
The Rams only win two games, both against the Seahawk by a score of 30-13. When asked about the anomoly in a post season interview, coach Sean McVay disappears. Nearly a hundred years later, they tell the tale of a football coach that came from the past to dominate the game for a decade with a strategy he calls a “running back”. The 49ers, in deference to fallen Steelers quarterback Kenny Pickett, record exactly 5 sacks in each game. They say, “We feel bad for the kid. After week 1, we knew he had no offensive line and could have petitioned the league. Instead. Rest in power, number 8.” In spite of the petition by Washington fans, Seattle announces a move to Europe shortly after the South divisons. “We are mostly European anyway, so it won’t be much of an adjustment for us or our fans.” Climate change ravages Arizona and when the Cardinals realize that nobody cares that they won 5 in a row, they shift their focus to combatting the destruction of our environment. The billions put into the fight helps to slow and eventually reverse the damage.
The world mourns a second gentle football soul, Justin Fields. He’s not dead, just not very good at football and Chicago continues to search for answers. Turns out the kids just misses Matt Nagy and follows his old coach to Kansas City. Mentored by Mahomes, he turns his career around and leads the Barcelona football (real football, not soccer) to a European championship. After realizing that the Madden curse leaked some of its bad juju to the Netflix documentary, only Kirk Cousins returns for the second season. As a result, during filming in week 5, a sink hole opens and swallows the entire Minnesota team. Nothing of value is lost and they are later found wandering the Amazon. Detroit raises a banner after defeating the defending champs and declares, “The king is dead. Long live the king.” They are eventually devoured by a pack of hyenas.
In all honestly, this NFL week 1 wild overreaction started with good intentions. I quickly lost the thread and became more and more unhinged. Even so, I enjoyed writing the article and made myself laugh a couple of times. I hope you feel the same. See you next week for Dungeons and Dragons.
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